Bears = Broncos

By substituting QB for RB, you arrive at the above equation. The Broncos can plug in whatever running back they want into their offense, and that running back will inevitably get lots of yards. The Bears can plug in whatever third-rate QB into their offense, and that QB will inevitably throw back-breaking interceptions and generally screw over the defense. Also Cedric Benson must secretly be a woman. Don't get too down Pat, at least the Cubs made the playoffs!

I would also like to personally thank Donovan McNabb for his 3 point performance last night. "May his hat fly as high as his dreams"

I hope Chad caught them mentioning how Cutler beat Zionsville in the RCA dome for the state championship, I thought it was a good touch.

I would also like to congratulate myself for winning both of the Fantasy Baseball leagues I played in this year, despite drafting players that I had literally never heard of before. Congratulations self, you are now richer than you were before yesterday. I can now completely ignore baseball again, just as the world was intended to be.

The Bears...got an Offense?

The word around the NFL is that the stumblin’ Bears got themselves an offense that “experts” are predicting to rank in the top 8 of the league. Apparently Devin Hester is a natural at wide receiver…who would have thought it? Rookie, tight end, Greg Olson has also been impressive snagging everything within his vicinity. So now the Bears have an impressive set of skills players that includes, Muhsin Muhammad, Bernard Berrian, Desmond Clark, Olson and Hester. The only problem…the Gunslinger is still the QB who sometimes just says, “Fuck it…I’m going deep”.

Grossman may not be the QB for long though, and Griese isn’t the one who could unseat Sexy Rexy. The Chicago Tribune is reporting that a new and improved Kyle Orton has been amazing in workouts so far.

Apparently Orton has ditched his party boy lifestyle (guess he isn’t a true Pike….pussy), and is in the best shape of his life*. We all know about the Bears defense, and who knows, if their offense plays like some are predicting; they could be back in the Super Bowl.

My pick for the NFC is the rebuilt** city of New Orleans and their Saints. With an improved defense, and one of the best offenses in the league that is lead by Brees, Bush, Colston, and McAlister, looks to me like they are the best team in the NFC this year.

* Reportedly there has also been a white male in his early twenties stalking Orton, and wanting to touch him non-sexually…could it be Fandle?
** Do you think they will rename the city of New Orleans, now that it has been rebuilt? I hope they go with the laundry detergent style name….New Ultimate Orleans….now whiter then ever!

Blackhawk Down

Headlines -
"All Rhodes Lead to Win!"
"That Was Gross, Man."
"Dennis Green Instructs Media to Remove Crown from Bears' Ass"

Random Thoughts
Glad I was downstairs for the Halftime Show, Poppe's Prince Boner may have been awkward to be around...
That Colbert Kid has some issues when he drinks...(Kidding Colbert, but you're still in the box)
Glad to see that they can finally ship those Colts AFC Champion shirts to First-World Countries(Is that a thing?)...
For some reason I can't help but wonder if Doug is gay...
Pat's penis was not getting the crowd response it normally does...
Poppe's Hole in the wall > Dick in a Box...
OK, I'm out for now, Might add some more later...

Position Breakdown, Jello Wrestling Style

We'll see who really is going to win the Super Bowl....

Peyton v. Rex
We all know that the Cumslinger is gonna be throwing rockets in the ring, but if the internets are correct, Peyton already knows how to deal with cum slung his way.
Winner: Peyton

Dallas Clark v. Desmond Clark
Too tough to pick
Winner: Clark

Tank Johnson v. Booger McFarland
Well, tanks are good in fights, but jello could mess up the treads. Can't think of anything grosser than a booger in jello...
Winner: Booger

Tony Dungy v. Lovie Smith
Lovie's got the weight edge, but he's no Samwise, so there's no way he's taking out Gollum in fight.
Winner: Dungy

SIDENOTE: Girl's phone just went off in the library. Her ringtone: "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." AWESOME

Gary Brackett v. Brian Urlacher
Gross, Urlacher got herpes in the Jello.
Winner: Urlacher

Jim Sorgi v. Kyle Orton
I'm pretty sure Sorgi's still scared of just about everything after that hit he took in college. Orton mistakenly thinks it's Jello-shots.
Winner: Orton

Adam Vinateiri v. Robbie Gould
It's hard to kick in Jello. Plus Vinateiri is so dreamy.
Winner: Ladies

Sharpe v. Diesel
Can't argue with history. And history says Pat pins him with or without Jello.
Edge: Sharpe

Jesus v. (Muhsin) Mohammed
Jesus has no trouble with footing on Jello.
Winner: Jesus

Marvin Harrison v. Bernard Berrian
Berrian simply touches Harrison for the pin after a fan throws Harrison football and he immediately downs himself to avoid contact.
Winner: Berrian

Mike Doss v. Mike Brown
Both tear other ACL's upon entry.
Winner: Doctors

Jeff Saturday v. Olin Kreutz
Jeff Saturday has a concealed weapons permit. I will not pick against that.
Winner: Saturday

Welp, I added up the winners in my head....and it's a draw. Something like 4-4-4.
This is assuming Jesus is neutral in the manner. We haven't talked about it yet. But I hear he's been spending alot of his time split between watching over Raiders fans and counseling Lions fans.



ENDNOTE: I thought briefly about doing this as a post about players favorite "positions", but I didn't want to offend our large U-12 crowd. In case you were wondering, Jeff Saturday's is "anything where he can just lay there." Apparently he's never in been in bed with a Martin Scorcese "type."

Super Bowl Drinking Game

For the purposes of this game, a drink will be a normal pull of whatever you have in your hand. A shot is a shot, if you have questions about that see Chad.

Colts Fans
1 drink:

• Shot of Peyton on the only corded(cordful?, concorde[spanish with a accent on the e]) phone left in America.
• Marvin catches ball, runs straight out of bounds, avoids shots from deer hunters.
• Defense that was terrible all year makes hand gesture to celebrate ordinary play.
• Vinateiri makes field goal.
• Hunter Smith Punts.
• Colts go three and out.
• Bears returner goes for more than 30 yards on kickoff, 15 yards on punt.
• Archie Manning shown.
• Tarik Glenn false starts.
  

1 shot:

• Peyton throws to guarded receiver on 4th down in vain attempt to get pass interference call; doesn't.
• Terrence Wilkins fumbles football on obvious fair catch situation.
• Vinateiri misses field goal.
• Peyton throws interception.
• Lineman scores touchdown for/against Colts.
• Dallas Clark suffers 8th hideous leg injury.
• Dirty thoughts about Tony Dungy(see picture)
  

FINISH DRINK(3 shots):

• Peyton Manning scores on 80 yard run, taunts Urlacher, does flip into endzone.

You keep those mental images of naked Tony Dungy to yourself. SHOT!
Click this link http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/2006/06/uhhwtf.gif to actually see it working.

Bears fans
1 drink:

• Rex Grossman makes bad throw.
• Bears run 3 straight times for first down.
• Bears defense holds for 3 and out.
• Hester returns kick for over 30, punt for over 15.
• Bears receiver drops catch.
• Kyle Orton shown on sidelines.
• Grossman does something stupid and Muhsin Muhammad tries his best to not look like he wants to kill him. [sharpe]
• Tommy Harris or Mike Brown get hurt somehow on the sideline. [sharpe]
• 1985 team is mentioned.[sharpe]
• Thomas Jones goes thug and tries to start a fight after a legal tackle.[sharpe]

1 shot:

• Rex Grossman overthrows receiver by at least 10 yards.
• Grossman's QB rating after quarter is less than mine.
• Robbie Gould misses field goal.
• Kyle Orton plays.
  
• Bears intercept Peyton.
• Lineman scores for/against Bears.
  

FINISH DRINK

• Tank Johnson gets sack, 21 gun salutes.
• Ditka saves Miami from a natural disaster.[sharpe]

Brother! You look terrible...

That's all I could think of for now. Suggestions for more are encouraged in the comments, especially from Bears fans since I haven't actually watched them play this year. I'll add the good ones to the lists. I've been itching to put up that little animation of the guy checking out Dungy forever. I don't care if you've already seen it. It's from Deadspin.

This Is What It's Like When Worlds Collide

Wow. That was a lot of fun. However, I can only imagine the shit storm that will be Illinois and Indiana during the next two weeks. I also noticed that there were a lot of weird things that happened today. My favorite? Dan Marino having to give a very forced congratulations to Peyton Manning and the Colts for winning. I'm sure he is not liking the fact that in future years my kids, (God help me if that happens) will most likely ask me, "Isn't that the guy from Ace Ventura?" when they see him on TV. Of course, Dan would probably be ok with it and just be the cool, calm, collective Dan we all know...



Or not.

Anyways, i thought, in true Barely Breathing fashion, I would list some of what I thought were the weirdest moments of the day.

Bears vs. Saints

• Reggie Bush taunting Brian Urlacher. Ok, so you are a rookie. There might be some things you may not know. Hell, you may not even know that Testeverde still plays. (I didn't till I accidentally spotted him as Brady's backup.) But I would hope you know who Brian Urlacher is. I'm pretty sure he could be a bouncer for Hell. I can only imagine what would happen if these two were to meet in an alley. My fantasy is that it would play out like that time when Rocky chased the chicken to train. Only Rocky would look more like Magnus Vermagnussen, have the man power to fuck Paris Hilton and NOT get an STD, and the chicken would be able to dance. (Nice endzone dance Bush).

• The Bears scoring offensive points. I kept looking at the score thinking, man, that Chicago D must be having a hell of a day to put up those points. But no, it was the gunslinger himself putting up a couple long balls in his true, "Fuck it" fashion. Still though, I probably won't buy Devon Hester a present next year for christmas... because he will probably return it. Ba da Ching!

• Lovie Smith actually made facial expressions. I think, and yes I'm going to repeat myself. I THINK I saw Lovie Smith maybe smile and even attempt to raise his hands after the game to celebrate. However, I still think he managed to answer his, "How do you feel, you are going to the Super Bowl?!" question with, "We are 13-3 and Rex is our quarterback." Anyways, congrats. Here's to two full weeks of hearing about two African American coaches in the Super Bowl.

Colts vs. Patriots

• Shannon Sharpe picked the Colts in pregame coverage. Once again, I may have been fooled, but I think I heard him say, "Imma godda go wida Codes on dis awone." This from the guy who two years ago said, "I would have a better chance hitting a snowball out of Yankee Stadium in Hell with a toothpick than the Colts have of reaching the Super Bowl." Yea, I remember that. And today, even though you picked us, I can finally say, FUCK YOU! Why? Well, my Colts are headed to the Super Bowl and you still talk like a retarded kid who has been eating glue and then trying to lie about it. "I pwahmid dadda diddida eadda gwoo." I'm sorry God, I really am.
  

• The Patriots have a reciever with bigger eyes than Marvin. Oh my god. And then one more time. OH. MY. GOD. Reche Caldwell, do you even have to hold your eyes open when you put in your contacts in the morning? I think the uncovering of this phenomenon is the ultimate find in my life. I now have the power to create the ultimate Trinity of Peripheral Vision...

Well, I would write more, but that picture just made my night. Anyways, regardless of what happens in two weeks, I think it is safe to say that there may be fisticuffs by the end of the Super Bowl and if I know anything about a good fight it's, Always make sure there is someone big to back you up. DAN KLECKO WHERE YOU AT!!!!!

Big Man Love.... You Gotta Love It!

Sex Cannon > You

Rexy gets em' young.

I have been unable to blog this week due to the lingering, painful erection from the Bears playoff victory and I'm sorry to all two of you who actually read the blog. Thankfully, my penis has finally fallen down to its normal 10 inches and I'm now ready to defend my friend, teammate (in Madden), and man crush, Rextacy. The media has been malicious to this American hero and I feel it is up to me, Sexy Patsy, to get behind this man (ding). Colts fans abound have decided to take this week and bash the Cumslinger, but I think the problem may just be they have just yet to be intimate with this lovabull (hey, just like the Chicago Bulls dance team) character. The information from Rexy's life is not only fun but it could save your life and since life is at stake I will now begin part one of "why everyone should love Rex."

1. He is a bonerfide Cumslinger. What is there not to love about a guy who can, at any moment, break up your parents marriage?

Rex giggling after the bad kind of six-way.

2. He turned down IU. This is a fact that any loyal Boilermaker should take to heart immediately after reading. The Sex Cannon's father even played at IU. That is a cock slap to the face of an institution that I would love to slap with my penis. Helicockter anyone?

3. He has a connection to the Colts. His grandfather played for the Colts and prolly would have been their gunslinging qb if the forward pass had been invented. The Grossman family are also personal friends of the Mannings. Imagine the father pride fights going on as to who's son is better. This argument of course can only occur if old Manning is talking about Eli.

Go horses!

4. He spends his money in Indiana. The dude still has a house in Indiana. The guy is the starting QB of a team in a huge city. I know some of you aren't the big Chicago fan that I am but COME ON! The guy could cheat on his wife all the time without her ever finding out. Instead, he decides to live in the bustling state that is Indiana.

5. He is cocky, but fails. Rex has actually tied your QB rating in an NFL game. Feel good? Does it feel as good as that one night when you were sleeping and I rubbed your back until you sleep smiled at me? Not quite for me.

Rexy on the ground laughing at the fact that he actually just threw that.

6. The Peyton Manning Effect. Do other teams get scared when they see they are playing the Colts or the Bears in the playoffs? You have to know that there is a 50% chance in the playoffs that these guys will mess up. Huge. The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you would let a Dr. Manning or Dr. Grossman give your girlfriend an abortion. That is total crunch time. I can't be a father.

7. The articles. Has anyone ever had better articles written about him. No. Stop. Please don't argue this point. Examples-
F-ck it.
Inside me.
Fantasy.

There are many more points why I personally love the kid but I'm afraid to keeping thinking so deeply about another dude. I do understand some people don't enjoy the Sex Cannon, including some Bears fans, but I think you need to open your heart and let in some Rex.

Since I'm 13 and made a comment about my penis size...

Smoothies thus far: 1 (thanks Adam)

The Apocalypse Is Near

Goddammit. Thats how this post is beginning. Because when you start something with a curse word, you know it is serious. Sort of like when Jack says DAMMIT!, only I added a little blasphemous tone by putting god before my dammit. Cursing aside, I just realized something today. This is possibly one of the dumbest post seasons in NFL history. Look at the teams that could possibly be in the Super Bowl, and keep in mind I just said Super Bowl, not playoffs. Quoting the immortal Mora Sr., Playoffs?!? Don't talk about playoffs, we're talking about the superbowl. How on earth are the Saints even in the running? Are you serious? They were the second worse team in the league last year. How the hell do you turn a team around that fast. Sean Peyton for coach of the year??? After this season I wouldn't question you if you said he could turn water into wine. I only hope to God though that they don't make it because if I have to hear about "America's" team and how the Saints have had to struggle through all the tragedy of New Orleans and that shit again, I might kill myself.


Also, on a note of annoying things in the post season, I shall list them in order because we all know how much BAC loves lists.

1. New England/Indianapolis - I am an outright Colts fan, but if I have to hear any more fuckin stories about how many games which team has won where and when and under what circumstances and playoff monkeys, I might kill myself.
2. Bears/Saints - If I could come up with a more boring story line, I would be writing this blog about the WNBA. I just hope something neat happens like Urlacher misses a sideline tackle and takes out a waterboy. That would be worth seeing.
3. Rex Grossman - If I have to hear, "Which Rex Grossman will show up this week?" again, I might kill myself.
4. Peyton Manning - If I have to hear, "Can Manning outsmart the Patriots?" again, I might kill myself.
5. Tom Brady - If I have to see his smug little smile when he talks about how much he respects the Colts when in the back of his head he is thinking, "I could beat the fuck out of these guys and then make dreamboat love to Gisele after this" again, I might kill myself.
6. Drew Brees - If I have to look at his birthmark again, I might kill myself.

Dammit, I'm pissed now. This sucks. I'm not left with many options. Here's hoping that I can make it out of the playoffs.