Why Can't We Be Friends?

... I blame it on The Sports Guy.

Position Breakdown, Jello Wrestling Style

We'll see who really is going to win the Super Bowl....

Peyton v. Rex
We all know that the Cumslinger is gonna be throwing rockets in the ring, but if the internets are correct, Peyton already knows how to deal with cum slung his way.
Winner: Peyton

Dallas Clark v. Desmond Clark
Too tough to pick
Winner: Clark

Tank Johnson v. Booger McFarland
Well, tanks are good in fights, but jello could mess up the treads. Can't think of anything grosser than a booger in jello...
Winner: Booger

Tony Dungy v. Lovie Smith
Lovie's got the weight edge, but he's no Samwise, so there's no way he's taking out Gollum in fight.
Winner: Dungy

SIDENOTE: Girl's phone just went off in the library. Her ringtone: "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." AWESOME

Gary Brackett v. Brian Urlacher
Gross, Urlacher got herpes in the Jello.
Winner: Urlacher

Jim Sorgi v. Kyle Orton
I'm pretty sure Sorgi's still scared of just about everything after that hit he took in college. Orton mistakenly thinks it's Jello-shots.
Winner: Orton

Adam Vinateiri v. Robbie Gould
It's hard to kick in Jello. Plus Vinateiri is so dreamy.
Winner: Ladies

Sharpe v. Diesel
Can't argue with history. And history says Pat pins him with or without Jello.
Edge: Sharpe

Jesus v. (Muhsin) Mohammed
Jesus has no trouble with footing on Jello.
Winner: Jesus

Marvin Harrison v. Bernard Berrian
Berrian simply touches Harrison for the pin after a fan throws Harrison football and he immediately downs himself to avoid contact.
Winner: Berrian

Mike Doss v. Mike Brown
Both tear other ACL's upon entry.
Winner: Doctors

Jeff Saturday v. Olin Kreutz
Jeff Saturday has a concealed weapons permit. I will not pick against that.
Winner: Saturday

Welp, I added up the winners in my head....and it's a draw. Something like 4-4-4.
This is assuming Jesus is neutral in the manner. We haven't talked about it yet. But I hear he's been spending alot of his time split between watching over Raiders fans and counseling Lions fans.



ENDNOTE: I thought briefly about doing this as a post about players favorite "positions", but I didn't want to offend our large U-12 crowd. In case you were wondering, Jeff Saturday's is "anything where he can just lay there." Apparently he's never in been in bed with a Martin Scorcese "type."

The Apocalypse Is Near

Goddammit. Thats how this post is beginning. Because when you start something with a curse word, you know it is serious. Sort of like when Jack says DAMMIT!, only I added a little blasphemous tone by putting god before my dammit. Cursing aside, I just realized something today. This is possibly one of the dumbest post seasons in NFL history. Look at the teams that could possibly be in the Super Bowl, and keep in mind I just said Super Bowl, not playoffs. Quoting the immortal Mora Sr., Playoffs?!? Don't talk about playoffs, we're talking about the superbowl. How on earth are the Saints even in the running? Are you serious? They were the second worse team in the league last year. How the hell do you turn a team around that fast. Sean Peyton for coach of the year??? After this season I wouldn't question you if you said he could turn water into wine. I only hope to God though that they don't make it because if I have to hear about "America's" team and how the Saints have had to struggle through all the tragedy of New Orleans and that shit again, I might kill myself.


Also, on a note of annoying things in the post season, I shall list them in order because we all know how much BAC loves lists.

1. New England/Indianapolis - I am an outright Colts fan, but if I have to hear any more fuckin stories about how many games which team has won where and when and under what circumstances and playoff monkeys, I might kill myself.
2. Bears/Saints - If I could come up with a more boring story line, I would be writing this blog about the WNBA. I just hope something neat happens like Urlacher misses a sideline tackle and takes out a waterboy. That would be worth seeing.
3. Rex Grossman - If I have to hear, "Which Rex Grossman will show up this week?" again, I might kill myself.
4. Peyton Manning - If I have to hear, "Can Manning outsmart the Patriots?" again, I might kill myself.
5. Tom Brady - If I have to see his smug little smile when he talks about how much he respects the Colts when in the back of his head he is thinking, "I could beat the fuck out of these guys and then make dreamboat love to Gisele after this" again, I might kill myself.
6. Drew Brees - If I have to look at his birthmark again, I might kill myself.

Dammit, I'm pissed now. This sucks. I'm not left with many options. Here's hoping that I can make it out of the playoffs.

Have you found Jesus?