Sex Cannon > You

Rexy gets em' young.

I have been unable to blog this week due to the lingering, painful erection from the Bears playoff victory and I'm sorry to all two of you who actually read the blog. Thankfully, my penis has finally fallen down to its normal 10 inches and I'm now ready to defend my friend, teammate (in Madden), and man crush, Rextacy. The media has been malicious to this American hero and I feel it is up to me, Sexy Patsy, to get behind this man (ding). Colts fans abound have decided to take this week and bash the Cumslinger, but I think the problem may just be they have just yet to be intimate with this lovabull (hey, just like the Chicago Bulls dance team) character. The information from Rexy's life is not only fun but it could save your life and since life is at stake I will now begin part one of "why everyone should love Rex."

1. He is a bonerfide Cumslinger. What is there not to love about a guy who can, at any moment, break up your parents marriage?

Rex giggling after the bad kind of six-way.

2. He turned down IU. This is a fact that any loyal Boilermaker should take to heart immediately after reading. The Sex Cannon's father even played at IU. That is a cock slap to the face of an institution that I would love to slap with my penis. Helicockter anyone?

3. He has a connection to the Colts. His grandfather played for the Colts and prolly would have been their gunslinging qb if the forward pass had been invented. The Grossman family are also personal friends of the Mannings. Imagine the father pride fights going on as to who's son is better. This argument of course can only occur if old Manning is talking about Eli.

Go horses!

4. He spends his money in Indiana. The dude still has a house in Indiana. The guy is the starting QB of a team in a huge city. I know some of you aren't the big Chicago fan that I am but COME ON! The guy could cheat on his wife all the time without her ever finding out. Instead, he decides to live in the bustling state that is Indiana.

5. He is cocky, but fails. Rex has actually tied your QB rating in an NFL game. Feel good? Does it feel as good as that one night when you were sleeping and I rubbed your back until you sleep smiled at me? Not quite for me.

Rexy on the ground laughing at the fact that he actually just threw that.

6. The Peyton Manning Effect. Do other teams get scared when they see they are playing the Colts or the Bears in the playoffs? You have to know that there is a 50% chance in the playoffs that these guys will mess up. Huge. The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you would let a Dr. Manning or Dr. Grossman give your girlfriend an abortion. That is total crunch time. I can't be a father.

7. The articles. Has anyone ever had better articles written about him. No. Stop. Please don't argue this point. Examples-
F-ck it.
Inside me.
Fantasy.

There are many more points why I personally love the kid but I'm afraid to keeping thinking so deeply about another dude. I do understand some people don't enjoy the Sex Cannon, including some Bears fans, but I think you need to open your heart and let in some Rex.

Since I'm 13 and made a comment about my penis size...

Smoothies thus far: 1 (thanks Adam)