Position Breakdown, Jello Wrestling Style

We'll see who really is going to win the Super Bowl....

Peyton v. Rex
We all know that the Cumslinger is gonna be throwing rockets in the ring, but if the internets are correct, Peyton already knows how to deal with cum slung his way.
Winner: Peyton

Dallas Clark v. Desmond Clark
Too tough to pick
Winner: Clark

Tank Johnson v. Booger McFarland
Well, tanks are good in fights, but jello could mess up the treads. Can't think of anything grosser than a booger in jello...
Winner: Booger

Tony Dungy v. Lovie Smith
Lovie's got the weight edge, but he's no Samwise, so there's no way he's taking out Gollum in fight.
Winner: Dungy

SIDENOTE: Girl's phone just went off in the library. Her ringtone: "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." AWESOME

Gary Brackett v. Brian Urlacher
Gross, Urlacher got herpes in the Jello.
Winner: Urlacher

Jim Sorgi v. Kyle Orton
I'm pretty sure Sorgi's still scared of just about everything after that hit he took in college. Orton mistakenly thinks it's Jello-shots.
Winner: Orton

Adam Vinateiri v. Robbie Gould
It's hard to kick in Jello. Plus Vinateiri is so dreamy.
Winner: Ladies

Sharpe v. Diesel
Can't argue with history. And history says Pat pins him with or without Jello.
Edge: Sharpe

Jesus v. (Muhsin) Mohammed
Jesus has no trouble with footing on Jello.
Winner: Jesus

Marvin Harrison v. Bernard Berrian
Berrian simply touches Harrison for the pin after a fan throws Harrison football and he immediately downs himself to avoid contact.
Winner: Berrian

Mike Doss v. Mike Brown
Both tear other ACL's upon entry.
Winner: Doctors

Jeff Saturday v. Olin Kreutz
Jeff Saturday has a concealed weapons permit. I will not pick against that.
Winner: Saturday

Welp, I added up the winners in my head....and it's a draw. Something like 4-4-4.
This is assuming Jesus is neutral in the manner. We haven't talked about it yet. But I hear he's been spending alot of his time split between watching over Raiders fans and counseling Lions fans.



ENDNOTE: I thought briefly about doing this as a post about players favorite "positions", but I didn't want to offend our large U-12 crowd. In case you were wondering, Jeff Saturday's is "anything where he can just lay there." Apparently he's never in been in bed with a Martin Scorcese "type."