This Is What It's Like When Worlds Collide

Wow. That was a lot of fun. However, I can only imagine the shit storm that will be Illinois and Indiana during the next two weeks. I also noticed that there were a lot of weird things that happened today. My favorite? Dan Marino having to give a very forced congratulations to Peyton Manning and the Colts for winning. I'm sure he is not liking the fact that in future years my kids, (God help me if that happens) will most likely ask me, "Isn't that the guy from Ace Ventura?" when they see him on TV. Of course, Dan would probably be ok with it and just be the cool, calm, collective Dan we all know...



Or not.

Anyways, i thought, in true Barely Breathing fashion, I would list some of what I thought were the weirdest moments of the day.

Bears vs. Saints

• Reggie Bush taunting Brian Urlacher. Ok, so you are a rookie. There might be some things you may not know. Hell, you may not even know that Testeverde still plays. (I didn't till I accidentally spotted him as Brady's backup.) But I would hope you know who Brian Urlacher is. I'm pretty sure he could be a bouncer for Hell. I can only imagine what would happen if these two were to meet in an alley. My fantasy is that it would play out like that time when Rocky chased the chicken to train. Only Rocky would look more like Magnus Vermagnussen, have the man power to fuck Paris Hilton and NOT get an STD, and the chicken would be able to dance. (Nice endzone dance Bush).

• The Bears scoring offensive points. I kept looking at the score thinking, man, that Chicago D must be having a hell of a day to put up those points. But no, it was the gunslinger himself putting up a couple long balls in his true, "Fuck it" fashion. Still though, I probably won't buy Devon Hester a present next year for christmas... because he will probably return it. Ba da Ching!

• Lovie Smith actually made facial expressions. I think, and yes I'm going to repeat myself. I THINK I saw Lovie Smith maybe smile and even attempt to raise his hands after the game to celebrate. However, I still think he managed to answer his, "How do you feel, you are going to the Super Bowl?!" question with, "We are 13-3 and Rex is our quarterback." Anyways, congrats. Here's to two full weeks of hearing about two African American coaches in the Super Bowl.

Colts vs. Patriots

• Shannon Sharpe picked the Colts in pregame coverage. Once again, I may have been fooled, but I think I heard him say, "Imma godda go wida Codes on dis awone." This from the guy who two years ago said, "I would have a better chance hitting a snowball out of Yankee Stadium in Hell with a toothpick than the Colts have of reaching the Super Bowl." Yea, I remember that. And today, even though you picked us, I can finally say, FUCK YOU! Why? Well, my Colts are headed to the Super Bowl and you still talk like a retarded kid who has been eating glue and then trying to lie about it. "I pwahmid dadda diddida eadda gwoo." I'm sorry God, I really am.
  

• The Patriots have a reciever with bigger eyes than Marvin. Oh my god. And then one more time. OH. MY. GOD. Reche Caldwell, do you even have to hold your eyes open when you put in your contacts in the morning? I think the uncovering of this phenomenon is the ultimate find in my life. I now have the power to create the ultimate Trinity of Peripheral Vision...

Well, I would write more, but that picture just made my night. Anyways, regardless of what happens in two weeks, I think it is safe to say that there may be fisticuffs by the end of the Super Bowl and if I know anything about a good fight it's, Always make sure there is someone big to back you up. DAN KLECKO WHERE YOU AT!!!!!

Big Man Love.... You Gotta Love It!

Sex Cannon > You

Rexy gets em' young.

I have been unable to blog this week due to the lingering, painful erection from the Bears playoff victory and I'm sorry to all two of you who actually read the blog. Thankfully, my penis has finally fallen down to its normal 10 inches and I'm now ready to defend my friend, teammate (in Madden), and man crush, Rextacy. The media has been malicious to this American hero and I feel it is up to me, Sexy Patsy, to get behind this man (ding). Colts fans abound have decided to take this week and bash the Cumslinger, but I think the problem may just be they have just yet to be intimate with this lovabull (hey, just like the Chicago Bulls dance team) character. The information from Rexy's life is not only fun but it could save your life and since life is at stake I will now begin part one of "why everyone should love Rex."

1. He is a bonerfide Cumslinger. What is there not to love about a guy who can, at any moment, break up your parents marriage?

Rex giggling after the bad kind of six-way.

2. He turned down IU. This is a fact that any loyal Boilermaker should take to heart immediately after reading. The Sex Cannon's father even played at IU. That is a cock slap to the face of an institution that I would love to slap with my penis. Helicockter anyone?

3. He has a connection to the Colts. His grandfather played for the Colts and prolly would have been their gunslinging qb if the forward pass had been invented. The Grossman family are also personal friends of the Mannings. Imagine the father pride fights going on as to who's son is better. This argument of course can only occur if old Manning is talking about Eli.

Go horses!

4. He spends his money in Indiana. The dude still has a house in Indiana. The guy is the starting QB of a team in a huge city. I know some of you aren't the big Chicago fan that I am but COME ON! The guy could cheat on his wife all the time without her ever finding out. Instead, he decides to live in the bustling state that is Indiana.

5. He is cocky, but fails. Rex has actually tied your QB rating in an NFL game. Feel good? Does it feel as good as that one night when you were sleeping and I rubbed your back until you sleep smiled at me? Not quite for me.

Rexy on the ground laughing at the fact that he actually just threw that.

6. The Peyton Manning Effect. Do other teams get scared when they see they are playing the Colts or the Bears in the playoffs? You have to know that there is a 50% chance in the playoffs that these guys will mess up. Huge. The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you would let a Dr. Manning or Dr. Grossman give your girlfriend an abortion. That is total crunch time. I can't be a father.

7. The articles. Has anyone ever had better articles written about him. No. Stop. Please don't argue this point. Examples-
F-ck it.
Inside me.
Fantasy.

There are many more points why I personally love the kid but I'm afraid to keeping thinking so deeply about another dude. I do understand some people don't enjoy the Sex Cannon, including some Bears fans, but I think you need to open your heart and let in some Rex.

Since I'm 13 and made a comment about my penis size...

Smoothies thus far: 1 (thanks Adam)