Oh my god, I'm back again...

Hey everyone, it's been awhile and believe me... I heard your cries... I shall write once again.

Well this summer is going extremely slow and much like Adam, I too am working for valuable work experience and little money only its been ok because I am working with the Colts. Oh, and for the illinois people and the Northern Indiana people who claim to be a part of Chicago even when their dad is a mayor in INDIANA... the Colts are a football team in the NFL that are currently World Champions. They beat some team last year for the title... it was exciting. Anyways, on to a day in the life of a college graduate without a real job.

I usually show up to "work" about 8 minutes early to try and impress my boss that I am punctual and care about my job... she does not care. Instead I sit down in front of her desk and begin my grueling day of work.

Work usually consists of me sitting and doing nothing while she checks emails and talks on the phone to people. I just sit and read the 9 million inspirational quotes on her wall such as, "If you can't do anything about it --- Why worry? If you can do something about it --- Why worry?" Ummm, I don't get it either.


Next, and this is only if she is swamped, she will ask me to walk up to the front of the building and shred some papers. I did get to shred Brady Quinn's information release form from the combine the other day and I honestly thought about trying to eBay it... what could I get for that Chad??? It had the boy toys autograph on it which actually looked like my signature in the third grade... without the heart for the A of course.

After a little office sitting and staring, I get to go out to practice and run the chains which is a blast. I have always wanted to be the guy that reaches up and switches the down marker and now I can honestly say I have done that. The only time I screwed up so far I got yelled at by Peyton and Tom Moore... DAMMIT Ryan, you didn't review the tapes... Peyton must be so dissapointed.

I have had a few run ins with players so far and that has been neat. Jeff Saturday asked me if I owned a gun, Adam Vinatieri gave me a really excited, "What's happenin' man!" and Peyton Manning walked past me without looking at me. The whole restraining order has really put a damper on our relationship.

Anyways, I am headed off to Summer Camp to be a little bitch there for 4 weeks so I may not get to do many stories. I hope you all don't miss me and I am very upset that I can't go to the 90's party. I do a mean Zach Morris with my hair (which is getting nice and wavy and blonde right now). So I bid you all adieu and remind you to say hello to Beckham tonight. 5 bucks says he starts the game...

United Way

"Why is the door open?"

Super Bowl Drinking Game

For the purposes of this game, a drink will be a normal pull of whatever you have in your hand. A shot is a shot, if you have questions about that see Chad.

Colts Fans
1 drink:

• Shot of Peyton on the only corded(cordful?, concorde[spanish with a accent on the e]) phone left in America.
• Marvin catches ball, runs straight out of bounds, avoids shots from deer hunters.
• Defense that was terrible all year makes hand gesture to celebrate ordinary play.
• Vinateiri makes field goal.
• Hunter Smith Punts.
• Colts go three and out.
• Bears returner goes for more than 30 yards on kickoff, 15 yards on punt.
• Archie Manning shown.
• Tarik Glenn false starts.
  

1 shot:

• Peyton throws to guarded receiver on 4th down in vain attempt to get pass interference call; doesn't.
• Terrence Wilkins fumbles football on obvious fair catch situation.
• Vinateiri misses field goal.
• Peyton throws interception.
• Lineman scores touchdown for/against Colts.
• Dallas Clark suffers 8th hideous leg injury.
• Dirty thoughts about Tony Dungy(see picture)
  

FINISH DRINK(3 shots):

• Peyton Manning scores on 80 yard run, taunts Urlacher, does flip into endzone.

You keep those mental images of naked Tony Dungy to yourself. SHOT!
Click this link http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/2006/06/uhhwtf.gif to actually see it working.

Bears fans
1 drink:

• Rex Grossman makes bad throw.
• Bears run 3 straight times for first down.
• Bears defense holds for 3 and out.
• Hester returns kick for over 30, punt for over 15.
• Bears receiver drops catch.
• Kyle Orton shown on sidelines.
• Grossman does something stupid and Muhsin Muhammad tries his best to not look like he wants to kill him. [sharpe]
• Tommy Harris or Mike Brown get hurt somehow on the sideline. [sharpe]
• 1985 team is mentioned.[sharpe]
• Thomas Jones goes thug and tries to start a fight after a legal tackle.[sharpe]

1 shot:

• Rex Grossman overthrows receiver by at least 10 yards.
• Grossman's QB rating after quarter is less than mine.
• Robbie Gould misses field goal.
• Kyle Orton plays.
  
• Bears intercept Peyton.
• Lineman scores for/against Bears.
  

FINISH DRINK

• Tank Johnson gets sack, 21 gun salutes.
• Ditka saves Miami from a natural disaster.[sharpe]

Brother! You look terrible...

That's all I could think of for now. Suggestions for more are encouraged in the comments, especially from Bears fans since I haven't actually watched them play this year. I'll add the good ones to the lists. I've been itching to put up that little animation of the guy checking out Dungy forever. I don't care if you've already seen it. It's from Deadspin.

This Is What It's Like When Worlds Collide

Wow. That was a lot of fun. However, I can only imagine the shit storm that will be Illinois and Indiana during the next two weeks. I also noticed that there were a lot of weird things that happened today. My favorite? Dan Marino having to give a very forced congratulations to Peyton Manning and the Colts for winning. I'm sure he is not liking the fact that in future years my kids, (God help me if that happens) will most likely ask me, "Isn't that the guy from Ace Ventura?" when they see him on TV. Of course, Dan would probably be ok with it and just be the cool, calm, collective Dan we all know...



Or not.

Anyways, i thought, in true Barely Breathing fashion, I would list some of what I thought were the weirdest moments of the day.

Bears vs. Saints

• Reggie Bush taunting Brian Urlacher. Ok, so you are a rookie. There might be some things you may not know. Hell, you may not even know that Testeverde still plays. (I didn't till I accidentally spotted him as Brady's backup.) But I would hope you know who Brian Urlacher is. I'm pretty sure he could be a bouncer for Hell. I can only imagine what would happen if these two were to meet in an alley. My fantasy is that it would play out like that time when Rocky chased the chicken to train. Only Rocky would look more like Magnus Vermagnussen, have the man power to fuck Paris Hilton and NOT get an STD, and the chicken would be able to dance. (Nice endzone dance Bush).

• The Bears scoring offensive points. I kept looking at the score thinking, man, that Chicago D must be having a hell of a day to put up those points. But no, it was the gunslinger himself putting up a couple long balls in his true, "Fuck it" fashion. Still though, I probably won't buy Devon Hester a present next year for christmas... because he will probably return it. Ba da Ching!

• Lovie Smith actually made facial expressions. I think, and yes I'm going to repeat myself. I THINK I saw Lovie Smith maybe smile and even attempt to raise his hands after the game to celebrate. However, I still think he managed to answer his, "How do you feel, you are going to the Super Bowl?!" question with, "We are 13-3 and Rex is our quarterback." Anyways, congrats. Here's to two full weeks of hearing about two African American coaches in the Super Bowl.

Colts vs. Patriots

• Shannon Sharpe picked the Colts in pregame coverage. Once again, I may have been fooled, but I think I heard him say, "Imma godda go wida Codes on dis awone." This from the guy who two years ago said, "I would have a better chance hitting a snowball out of Yankee Stadium in Hell with a toothpick than the Colts have of reaching the Super Bowl." Yea, I remember that. And today, even though you picked us, I can finally say, FUCK YOU! Why? Well, my Colts are headed to the Super Bowl and you still talk like a retarded kid who has been eating glue and then trying to lie about it. "I pwahmid dadda diddida eadda gwoo." I'm sorry God, I really am.
  

• The Patriots have a reciever with bigger eyes than Marvin. Oh my god. And then one more time. OH. MY. GOD. Reche Caldwell, do you even have to hold your eyes open when you put in your contacts in the morning? I think the uncovering of this phenomenon is the ultimate find in my life. I now have the power to create the ultimate Trinity of Peripheral Vision...

Well, I would write more, but that picture just made my night. Anyways, regardless of what happens in two weeks, I think it is safe to say that there may be fisticuffs by the end of the Super Bowl and if I know anything about a good fight it's, Always make sure there is someone big to back you up. DAN KLECKO WHERE YOU AT!!!!!

Big Man Love.... You Gotta Love It!

Peyton's not so bad...

I don't understand why everyone seems to hate Peyton Manning. Personally I submit that we Colts fans should have exclusive rights to hating him (at least in short bursts as I do).

Reasons for the average fan to not hate Peyton:

• Peyton's dad was an NFL QB, true. But he also sucked, and we can all relate to being forced to play a sport simply because our dad played it, just so he can have a chance to win vicariously. And while it would be awesome to have a NFL QB dad nowadays, back then it did not mean you were uber-rich, as seen by the home footage of Peyton's tiny yard and house.
• Look at him, he's not going to be doing too many Abercrombie ads. Personally I would much rather hate Tom Brady and his never-ending list of celebrity girls than Peyton. I like to know that if we were ever in the same room at least I could think, "he might be rich and famous, but at least I don't look like that."
• He's never won anything. He's reaching legendary status as a great QB who can't win the big game. Why would the average fan hate a QB that makes them think, "well at least we can count on Peyton crapping himself," everytime their team plays the Colts in a meaningful game? I mean honestly, whose team thinks they have no chance when Peyton and the Colts roll in during playoff time?
• Yes, his ads are on all the time, but he doesn't really control that. And hey, it's not like he's out there portraying himself as anything other than a doofus. Nobody at home goes, "damn that guy's cool," after seeing one of them. And at least we haven't seen his mom yet, either.
• All we really know about his music tastes is that he loves Kenny Chesney and country music. That's a reason to pity him, not hate him.
• Did I mention he loses a lot of important games? Fuck that's annoying. I mean seriously, every year is a goddamn tease.
• He works really hard, I guess you can hate him for having a good work ethic, seems more like jealousy though. I mean, if you've ever see him run, he makes it pretty obvious that raw athleticism isn't the a requirement for becoming a superstar.
• He's always trying to make these "intelligent" plays like when he sees someone being interfered and throws at them knowing they won't catch the ball and then if there's no penalty called we just wasted a play. Fuck, I hate that too.
• I mentioned that he's never won anything right? No national titles, no high school championships, no Super Bowls, (I guess a couple of Pro Bowls, whatever that's worth). I mean why hate a guy who doesn't play for your team who can't win a big one?
• Fuck it, I hate him. No, I don't. Yes, I do. Goddamn it why can't you just sack up and play well in one goddamn playoff game. Now I've got to sit around and hope our defense that made sieves look like vacuum capsules plays so well that we can overcome the fact that you get nervous everytime the "Lighting round" comes up on Family Feud. I mean Fuck, will I ever get to win anything as a fan? (no) Fucking Indianapolis and it's fucking tease teams that always are good enough to make the playoffs but can never just play well enough to win the whole thing. I mean goddamn it if the Bears somehow win a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman, Mister -12 fantasy points himself, I don't know what I will do to myself.
• Fuck off, lists over I don't even remember what it started about.
  

Blogasm

I would probably settle for a well placed lightning bolt...

Well that was exciting! I mean we may not have the Sex Cannon but I have to admit winning against a team that has Ray Lewis on it makes that win just that much sweeter. Besides the fact that he somehow proclaimed himself god's linebacker (even though we know He prefers Butkus because Ditka recommended him), would anyone outside of Baltimore do anything other than gasp like they had just seen a swordfight in person if Ray Lewis was hit by a bus while doing his ridiculous body seizure/dance before the game? The game obviously went counter to all public opinion (like last week) but it is nice to win a game with a low score without having to come from behind. While I admit that I did a fair amount of swearing at Peyton, I do not think that we would have been better off with many other QB's in the game (Excepting Favre cuz I don't want Chad and Chris to freak out).
On a side note, while many diss Peyton for being a choker and gay, not many guys are secure enough in their manhood to pose for this picture:
Also, I don't want to jinx us, but the way the goalpost has been working for us recently is making my pants tingle. And having the defense suddenly bring the sword out after just waving its red cape all year is also making me a little toight(sp?) in the groinal region.