Awesomeness

Dwight: Oh you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.

My Personal Guide to Men's Accessories

Inspiration: Guy on the Bus wearing a bandanna.

We'll break this down into two categories.
* denotes an own violation/acceptable use.


GYM ACCESSORIES

Headband:
Great: for sweaty bastards and always good for basketball.*
Not Great: For guys who are walking. At no point should walking slowly in a circle create profuse forehead sweat.

Bandanna:
Great: For pirates.
Not great: For working out. You look like an idiot. I won't tell you this, because you are bigger than me. Rolled up bandannas are headbands, see above.

Wrist Bands
Great: for real basketball players who play so much sweat drips down their arm to their hands.
Not Great: for all other people. You might as well go up to everyone and ask for their attention.*

Cell Phone:
Great: for sports agents watching their players work out. For old men who need it to call for help when their hips give out.
Not Great: for everyone else. If you need your cell phone in the gym...make yourself a home gym that you will never use.

Knee Pads
Great: for old men who will be playing 3 times as hard as you at basketball and will tell you what to do despite their lack of knowledge about the game.
Not great: in the locker room...kinda makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Work shoes
Great: if you are there to check out the little kids.
Not great: if you are actually doing something athletic. If you have time to go to the gym, you have time to bring the right shoes.

CASUAL ACCESSORIES

Hats
Great: if you are bald.
Not great: Hats to me seem to say, "I'm a little bit insecure with how my head looks. I need this safety blanket."

Beanies
Great: if it is cold and you have short hair.*
Not great: If you are wearing it indoors; you look like an idiot, you have admitted hair failure.* Also not great if you have lots of hair.

Stocking Caps
Great: if you are robbing the place. Or if there is a snow fight.
Not great: in a bank.

Ear Muffs
Great: if you have really "bangin" hair. Want everyone to know how fabulous you look.
Not great: If you are trying to exude heterosexuality.

Face Masks (for winter)
Great: If you are a ninja.
Not great: in all other circumstances. If it is too cold for you to walk outside without your face completely covered, you should probably just stay home with your mom that day.

Sunglasses
Great: when you are driving.*
Not great: when you are indoors. You literally placed the word "tool" in my head.

Headband
Great: If you have so much hair that it will cover your face entirely otherwise.
Not great: if you are trying to look cool; it didn't work.*

Bandanna:
Great: If you are a big guy with hair. Kinda jealous of how badass it makes you look.
Not great: Bald guys, we know you're bald, we can see through the little holes in the back of the bandanna.

Wrist Bands, Bicep Bands
Great: never, this will always make you look like a giant tool.
Not great: always, see above.*

Bracelets
Great: if you want to disguise your tiny girl wrists.*
Not great: If they shine in any way or form.

Watches
Great: if you can manage not to lose them.
Not great: if you've ever left one in the yard and had it run over by a lawnmower.*

Leather Gloves
Great: when you are committing a felony.
Not great: when you are trying to appear like you aren't committing a felony.*

Livestrong bands
Great: If you bought them to support a good cause.
Not great: If you wear more than one.*

Necklace
Great: if you have ONE necklace, and you wear it with all things.*
Not great: if you have many that you match with your "outfits".

Headphones
Great: If you're absolutely positive that you don't want anyone to talk/interact with you.
Not great: If you're trying to look slightly social. Big negative here to people with actual headphones(not earbuds). That's right, I'm making fun of you while you are looking at me, but you'll never be sure.

BUSINESS ACCESSORIES

Colored Handkerchief
Great: if you have one to match all your shirts.
Not great: If you actually use it...gross.

Pocket Watch
Great: If you want to impress the Mr. Monopoly, or Mr. Peanut.
Not great: If that's your actual timekeeping device. You're like, 3 centuries behind buddy.

Cell Phone Clip
Great: ...can't say I can see an upside to this.
Not great: pretty much all the time, if you're cell phone is still so big you require a clip, you should probably think about upgrading to the 2000 model.

Blue Tooth
Great: if you're a terrorist coordinating global events, but still want to be free to masturbate.
Not great: Either be a man and drive with one hand, or join the secret service. If you wear one around other people, then there is a presumption that you are a tool that you will be forced to rebut somehow(preferably by buying lots of drinks with the money you made being so "efficient").

Gettin' some Ash

Can I get an amen? No? I'll just power through then, just like the power of God. Today marks the day when Catholics are the most blatantly obviously religites around and I am rocking more wood than a cross. Across from what you say? How about we disregard directions and instead get back to the point? That idea sounds better to me than a long slug of watered down, spit filled, church wine. We Catholics aren't big on the evangelical preaching or witty religious shirts so this is our main day to be annoying.

Cuz Jesus said so!

As the sect which most enjoys the wine to water idea* we don't receive much love from other followers of the true God (yes, this is a cut to all your spaghetti monster believers). I hear whispers that others don't enjoy our company due to something involving our inability to renounce the Nazis around WWII or our out and out dislike of homosexuals (who aren't priests) but I think we can come together under one idea. We all dislike gay Nazis. All of us. So lets just all chill out and enjoy the fact that some of us have ash smeared all over our foreheads while we make fun of the fact that a bunch of Nazis actually were gay.

*GOB assured me that this is correct

What Happened?

Sorry that this is my first post in a while. I know all(both) of you have been wasting valuable time clicking and being disappointed. Today I would like to address the issue of gayness. Not like same sex "doing it" or anything like that. I mean the culture of gayness that has enveloped us.

For example, I used to have absolutely no interest in clothes beyond the fact that I had a well-established rule with my mom that I could wear shorts as long as the paper said it was going to be at least 50 degrees outside. That was it. My entire focus on wardrobe consisted of:
(1) Making sure that I didn't have to wear jeans. Fuck Jeans, they suck for basketball and they are pants.
(2) Not getting too sweaty. That's why windbreaker outfits were fucking badass. Why is it that now only old people and mobsters get to wear those things and not feel awkward? Why can't I wear those?
(3) Being able to play sports at any moment's notice.

That was it. I wasn't worried about belts, or whether they matched my shoes. I wasn't worried about whether a shirt made me look tall/skinny/fat/dumpy/smurfish. But now, it's all changed. The gayness has affected me deeply. I only shop at certain places now because the other ones are "lame." I only own 3 shirts that have athletic teams/players on them. And I would never wear them to school. HELL, I EVEN WORRY ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR TO WORKOUT IN. That's right, I worry about how I'm going to look when I'm COVERED in sweat. Not today though, today I chose to wear my purple Royal Highlander to work out in, but I still wouldn't wear it to school.

But maybe I have made a mistake. Maybe it's not the gays that have made me more fashion conscious. In fact, the more I think about it, the less I can really blame it on them. Because I thought that I was dressing more grownup/fashionable in high school, but whenever I see those clothes I can only think about how god awful ugly they were. Of course back then I couldn't even contemplate wearing a shirt that cost more than $20. And I brought those same clothes to college. So if it's not the gay culture that got me, then what is it? There can be only one person to blame for this, and his name is Sojo.

That's right, the value of my wardrobe has increased in direct proportion to the time I've known Sojo. As he developed his metrosexual flavor, as did it rub off on me. I've even prepared this graph:


If you have any conflicting/explaining theories, feel free to place them in the comments.

My Theory of Constructive Ridiculing

So I was sitting on the bus yesterday, and I was thinking, whose genetic flaws will I make fun of in my mind next when a kid whose eyes were WAY too close together walked onto the bus. So I chuckled in my mind but then I started thinking, how dumb is that? Making fun of something about a person that is impossible for them to change is not productive. It's like, how many times has someone called me short and I've thought, "Wow, that really hurt, that really went right to my insecurity about my inability to grow..." I mean, how stupid is it when you make fun of someone for being what they are? I mean, if I say something stupid because I'm running my mouth, of course I expect to be ridiculed. But if I hit myself in the head because I just allowed a goal in NHL 07 and it's messing with my goalies season stats, well, I can't help that, it's like a reflex or some shit. Might as well ask me to stop looking at myself in the mirror. (Although that is kind of different, you don't just walk past great works of art without admiring them, it's rude.)

What I should of thought was, "Hey kid, you're an undergrad at IU, you probably haven't read a real book since Dr. Seuss became too blase for you. I can't wait til you come to me for legal advice because you want to sue the doctor who removed the shampoo bottle that "accidentally" got stuck up your ass."

You see, that would have some benefit for him. By pointing out that he is lacking in something that he can fix, stupidity, rather than something he cannot, ugliness, I am benefiting society. Of course, if he were less ugly I could be more efficient by being able to look right past him and move on to someone more in need of my "advice," but that's probably thinking on too micro of a scale. In closing, I bring you this famous quote, "You don't throw stones at big tortoises because they're slow moving rock impersonators; you throw stones at big tortoises because they are not living up to their teenage mutant ninja turtle potential."


Sorry, I felt this needed some multimedia, and I love this picture.

The Power of the Mob and an Ultimate Fighter

So this video is pretty awesome. I mean, I don't think I've ever sat down and said, "Joe Rogan is funny", cuz frankly he's not. But he has my undying respect and fear for calling out Carlos Mencia (Ned) who is not funny. He's the mangina of comedians. He's trying to look like a comedian, but he's just making everyone throw up a little in their mouths. Bonus points if you extrapolated that comparison to work in the fact that everyone can make a mangina, just like everyone can look up stereotypes then say them out loud. Double bonus points if you work in the disgust(I'm assuming since I don't have any personal experience here)of finding a mangina where you thought there was a real vagina, kinda like how disappointed and angry you are when you see a comedian bomb doing standup. Triple Bonus Points if you thought about how mangina's can eventually "stand up." Alright, that's probably enough about manginas for now.



Although, Joe does make a valid point. There's no way this would still be going on if comedians weren't pussies. I mean, if I saw another guy stealing my dance moves without giving me credit then I would totally call his mother. But asking the little asian guy from Mad TV to be the one to stand up for himself was probably not the brightest idea.
Of course, I highly doubt that all the guys telling Ned that he's thief would actually do so if there wasn't someone trained in death-dealing doing all the yelling. It's like, of course we wouldn't call guys pussies at Taco Bell if Johno weren't there to make sure that they didn't steal our delicious tacos from us. It's sad that more people don't stand up for themselves, but, let's be honest, no one wants to get hit in the face (except Buster). I guess Ned does have some balls for not running away when Joe Rogan started threatening him. But of course, all mangina's have balls, there just hidden.


This is either the greatest photoshop I've ever done or the worst.

Happy VD(ay)

DAMN IT!

This is kind of old, I know, but I like the new addition of video footage to the damn its in 24. Plus, if you stick through the whole thing (I don't see how you couldn't) you get to see a pretty sweet homage to our late, yet lovable computer nerd, Edgar Stiles.



P.S. - Note Jay Leno sounding like a idiot while saying, "Spring Bleak". Also, how can Kiefer be such a hardass yet sound so refined while describing this drinking game that, "the college kids found funny".

Snow Day... Part Deux

Well, I meant to post yesterday about how neat it was to have a snow day in college, but somehow our friend alcohol popped in and ruined that idea for me. I believe the night ended in Chad and I taking the longest way home possible in the snow from the bars, with sideways snow blowing and me saying, "I saw Titanic, I don't want to die cold" over and over again.

However, I think I might pull the, I-was-blacked-out card and claim Chad was saying that. Yeah, that's it. He was a wuss. I instead just pulled my jacket off, gave it to him and reminded him, "We're in the rockies!" as I ran through the snow with my bloody (i dont know how) wife beater on like McClain in Die Hard and rescued trapped orphans under a car.

Then picked up the lifeless Chad and threw him over my shoulder and walked until our stupid TanTan gave out, at which point I took Chad's lightsaber and cut the TanTan open and spread the entrails over Chad to keep him warm.

Then I just waited until this morning for Pat to come pick us up in his snowspeeder... atleast thats what I think happened.

Snow Kidding

So I've noticed that our writing over here has gotten scarce again. I dont' think Pat has written anything since the Super Bowl, hopefully little Ciric didn't kill him when he found out that Pat had once visited Indianapolis, full of lots of citizens much less classy than the upstanding scholars of Muenster... Anyways, hopefully it's just a wii injury or carpal tunnel, nothing that some Timocil won't fix by killing his sex (masturbatory) drive. But since I feel like This thing will die if I don't make out with out with it daily in hopes of keeping people interested, so let's just say "we'll win if we make out"... Had to walk the 20 minutes from the stadium to the law school this morning since i guess they canceled the morning classes by posting on the IU website, which I just changed from my homepage yesterday. Probably would have been impossible to send out a mass e-mail in order to notify people of this. And since the prospects of daring the roads 2 more times in order to go back home then back to the university did not fill my heart with glee, I trudged onward. (Is it racist for them to force a Native American[sorta] to walk to school. Dangerously close to the Trail of Tears I say. Next they'll say that I never really "owned" my car so they can take that cuz they're European. That won't be funny until you take Property Law.{I forget which bracket I'm supposed to close with now][)!| So good luck reading this cuz I didn't space it out at all for your lazy asses. Anyway, maybe some time this century Chad will get his security clearance to post here, I know it took me a good 4-5 years before I finally figured out how to sign up. Anyway, try not to die today, scooters

(1/189th of a) Milestone

And upon the 80th Post, God Stepped Down from his Throne and Went to Heaven's Technology Center and Said, "Randy, why are so many people bitching about the weather today? I was just about to drop this bag of bacon-scented dollars onto Adam in the library but I couldn't concentrate. Are you messing with the Midwest because they pray too much again?" And then Randy Stood Up From his Desk made of Clouds and Bird Feathers and Said, "Sorry, God" Whereupon God unleashed the Fury from the Depths of Hell upon Randy and Randy said "My Lord, that itches something fierce!" and God Chuckled and Mountains trembled and God Forgot All About the Bag of Bacon Scented Dollars and Adam yelled a Deep, Primal Yell and then All was right again in the Universe.


So what does that mean? Absolutely nothing. So you can tell I'm bored again. I have been practicing my "dead eyes" in the hallway though. If eyes are the window to the soul, I want mine to be able, upon command, to tell strangers that in no uncertain terms that I have no soul. It does help in keeping people from sitting next to me on the bus...

Whereupon Adam Lessened the Thrust of HiS Forceful Digits upon Hist Keyboard and Descended His Mighty Pointer onto "Publish" And so says the book of Pears and Applesauce.

Sleepy Monday

Hey guys, I'm really bored today. I'm stuck in the library for the next 3 hours. And I'm worried that Carl Monday might be watching me.


Here's some things that have entertained me that might entertain you:
Birbigs on Conan

Add to My Profile | More Videos

I think most of those jokes are on the Comedy Central Presents, but you'd have to look up that file if you wanted to hear it right now, so now you can just click. By the way, on the off chance that you make it to the end of the clip, you'll notice that Mike is actually just as tall as Conan.

This is far more funny to me than it probably should be, but if you've ever watched Conan then it is worth it. I'm having Linking issues, so if you click on the title of this post you can go right to what I'm referring to.


this shirt is pretty sweet.


OK, I'm bored, and you probably won't look at any of that stuff anyway. Sorry I didn't have much wisdom to dispense today, but as it is, I'm fresh out of the Knowledge. Catch ya on the Dark Side.

Things That Piss Me Off

Well, because I am always the cheery one, I was in one of my usual good moods this weekend, thinking about butterflies and build-a-bears, when I started thinking about things that I don't like. So, in a Family Guy-esque segment for Barely Breathing, here are some, Things That Piss Me Off...

1. When People Say, "Drive Safely"
I do not understand why people say this. If I tell you I'm going to head out and go home, why would you say, "drive safely". Do you really think I'm going to just hop in my car and drive like a fuckin idiot? Oh, drive safely?? Oh, ok, I got it, I was just going to fall asleep while driving and hope that the Force will take over and guide me home safely. (Note to readers - Falling asleep behind the wheel of motor vehicles is a detriment to your car's safety, as well as your personal safety.)



2. People Referring to Other People at Parties as "That Guy"
What the hell does this mean? That guy can range from the guy being loud to the guy who stands behind hot chicks and looks confused to the creep that touches girls butts and then runs away. Ok, so I made up the last one, but I have a feeling that that person would be a definite candidate for "That Guy".

3. Girls Who Quote Sex and The City or Dave Matthews Band on Their Profiles
Thats about as cool as the nerd down the hallway at the dorms Freshman year who only wears dragon T-Shirts that he got from Wal-Mart quoting Nietsche on his AIM profile, gImLeY07LOTR. Grow up, Carrie Bradshaw is not real, you are not Carrie, your friend is not Miranda, and your life will never resemble theirs. As far as Dave Matthews goes, or should I say DMB, the guy may have some catchy music if you are baked out of your skull and like 30 minute long noise exhibitions, but just because they have a violin in their band does not make them musical pioneers.

4. Bandwagon Fans
Oh wow, you're a Cubs fan? Seriously, thats awesome, yea, me too, oh yea, I know, the Goat, oh yea, and Bartman. My favorite part about the Cubs??? Uhh, oh yea, thats right, their pitching staff. Did anyone even know anything about the Cubs that year? All I ever heard about was how everyone claimed to be the most diehard Cubs fan that year and all they could say was, "Thier pitching staff is awesome, I mean, Prior?!?! You kidding me?" I couldn't stand that, until a year or two later when all of the die hard lifelong Cubs fans all of a sudden became White Sox Fans.

5. Small Video Game Stores
Hi, I like to play video games. They are fun, time consuming, and an escape where I can dream of a life that doesn't so closely resemble mine. Am I obsessed with them? No. Do I enjoy them more than the average person? Well, you can decide that. Anyways, what bothers me is when I go to a small video game store and I say, "Hey, do you have [insert title here]?" And the fan boy behind the counter wearing his vintage Evil Dead 2 shirt with hiking boots and olive green socks pulled up to his knees with enough acne to make the Proactive people quit says, "Are you kidding me? Yeah, it's out... since January. I've beat it on Easy, Medium, Legendary, and Excalibur settings. I've also written my own mod and developed a patch so I can incorporate it into my World Of Warcraft character." I hate being belittled by people that jerk off to Japanese cartoons.

I have to stop this, I will continue this series later on, but right now I am getting so mad at these stupid things I am going to be in a bad mood all night. Take care... and Drive Safely!!!

Update: Wow... Ok, so this was going to be the end of the post, but I found one more thing that SEVERELY pisses me off. When I go to put up little pictures for my post, which is probably one of my more favorite things to do, and because the internet is so slow, I feel like I'm on AOL at my parents house in sixth grade listening to that horrible modem white noise sound waiting for that damn running man to finish up and just let me HEAR THE GUY SAY, "YOU"VE GOT MAIL!!!!!!!" This is 2007. Things are supposed to be so advanced I can't even fart without some robot extinguishing the smell. In Back to the Future, it was 2015 when he went back to the future and they had flying cars!!!! I can't even look up pictures on the internet without it taking 20 minutes for the freakin picture to download. I'll post useless pictures tomorrow when hopefully a technological miracle happens and I can view multiple images within the same hour. Toodles.

Mission Accomplished!

I'm nothing if not devoted to my fans...
It's not hard yet, but I think it needs to see more nipples before it really gets excited.

New thing to say on the phone to ruin the day of the person called the wrong number:
"You sound fat...Are you fat?"

Regrets...

Between this video and my wish that I had played a more violent sport when I was younger, I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have been a Canadian. I definitely should have played a sport where I could hurt people. In basketball the best you can do is elbow someone in the chest as they come across the middle. But then she gets all, "you shouldn't do that to girls..."

Also, this might make your banana stand...

I am Adam's Dirty Laundry...

I didn't really have anything too important to post, but I figured it's my sworn duty to write something here so that you guys know I'm still alive. As of 2:17 p.m., I am in fact, not dead. So suck it eternity of blackness or person I will thrust my consciousness into next! You will have to wait longer to behold the amazement that is my anger when the fucking Dallas Stars score on a breakaway on my computer goalie because my defenders allowed the center to go straight up the middle without ever trying to stop him. Piss Poor! I will now go back to Taco Bell. Sequitor(I wanted to see if you could use it without non in front, you can't), there will be hockey again on the internet tonight. It's the Penguins vs. the Flyers. The Penguins should be good for about a 6 goals. I hear that Sydney Crosby fellow is pretty good, but he is Canadien, so he should be playing for Montreal (WEAK, ADAM, WEAK). Since I have nothing better to put here, I will leave you with a video I pulled from Youtube but probably haven't watched myself yet.

Here's a movie with Will Arnett in it. And that crazy dad from "Kicking and Screaming."

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

On another note, I'm going to the Pacer game tonight. So me, with a bunch of people, and bright lights... totally out of my element, but hey, maybe something cool will happen. Hopefully I won't look as stupid as Ike here.

I'll be back tomorrow to let you know if Larry and his new fishing buddies had a good showing or not.

A Whole New World...

So yesterday, I go to my Political Science class on global implications in world politics, which is usually taught by Professor Beres who's statement on the first day of class was, "My hope is that we get hit by a nuclear bomb at some point during this semester so what I will teach you will seem relevant." He's a cheery guy. Yet, to my surprise we had a guest lecturer. However, this was no ordinary lecturer, this was Professor Mike Weinstein of the Purdue Political Science dept. Let me give you a little back ground on Mike.

Mike is 65 years old. Mike was an undergrad at New York University where he then went on to get his masters and PhD. He has taught many courses on political ideologies, political philosophies, and philosophy in general. And he bears a striking resemblance to the theif that Jafar dresses up as in Aladdin. Remember? Take a look...

Anyways, so the class got to be pretty exciting as he decided that he didn't really want to lecture, he just wanted to tell us about his philosophy on life, music, even how he felt about religion. (Adam, he would be your hero.)

Here are some of his more memorable quotes that I managed to write down:

"Hope is what destroys a life"


"Fighting out of fear is dangerous, fighting for hope is more so."


"Leech every bit of pleasure you can"

and my personal favorite...

"Tell your fucking self who you are... Consult your own interests."

Well, this is awfully odd for an old Professor at a major university right? But wait, there's more. He is also the lead singer and lyricist for the punk band from Chicago, Vortis. So yea, thats different. But what is even more interesting is that they claim to be the only "Pro-Osama Bin Laden group in the U.S." and he labels himself as an anarchist that specializes in Agitainment. I know, a lot to swallow. He explains his pro-osama stance as some thing about accepting everyone, but the paragraph contained multiple sentences brought together to create paragraphs and there wasn't a picture in sight, so i got bored.

So suffice it to say, it was an interesting class. Better than my normal class with Dr. Doomsday as I like to call him. I wonder what ever happened to teachers like this...

Free Chicken!

Well, If you actually watched the game last night it was pretty exciting. There was a shootout and everything! Then Stephen Jackson left and they did that thing where they take penalty shots until someone wins. ZING! Anyway, I do not recommend watching the game tonight, unless you're a masochist; or I guess if you're a sadist you could make someone else watch. Anyway, I'm down to like 4 working light bulbs at my place now, including none in the shower, so I shower by candlelight, which doesn't work well at all.

Funny(to me) story: Monday in Property Law, our teacher asked us if we stayed up late on Sunday Night, because of the game. Well as some of us remember, the game ended at like 10:30, which isn't very late. So this one guy raises his hand and says, "I don't consider that late, I'm 23, not 80." While this doesn't seem that funny, it is because there is a guy who's like 75 who sits right behind me. GET IT, the old guy probably fell asleep at like 7:00 cuz he was tired after dinner at 4:00. OK, so it may not have been that funny, but blow me, you're not that funny either.
NO, BUT THAT'S A REAL NICE SKI MASK YOU'RE WEARING!

Anyways, Lost comes back tonight, and the the Office should be good tomorrow, Dwight's on the lookout for wedding crashers.



Here's a video of Will Arnett on Conan.

Heads Up!

In case you were wondering, you have two opportunities to watch two really good hockey teams play online tonight. The Sabres of Buffalo play the Thrashers of Atlanta on Comcast and Yahoo! I'm sure you're interested, and yes, I do have 3 fantasy players involved in the game. One of my favorite players, Ilya Kovalchuk is playing for the Thrashers. His game brings to mind the classic Bill Murray quote from the incomparable Space Jam, "Defense, Whoa. Who said anything about defense?"

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CLICK ON THE "LIVE NHL GAMES" LINK WHILE USING INTERNET EXPLODER, IT DOESN'T WORK WITH FIREFOX. I'LL EXPECT YOUR NOTES ON THE GAME TOMORROW. THERE WILL BE A TEST, AND IT WILL BE URINE! OR YOU CAN CLICK ON THE TITLE OF THIS POST...MAYBE...I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY IF THAT WILL WORK. BUT IT SHOULD...I THINK.

Also, if I drive my car into the lake because it slipped in the snow, I'm leaving my bicep bands to you Pat.

The Halftime Show that got a Fulltime Salute

Just so you never have to go too far to watch it again Diesel.

Your 2007 Super Bowl XLI MVP

As I start to sift through all the fall out of the Super Bowl, one of the biggest questions I have seen raised again and again was, "Does Peyton Manning deserve the MVP?" Well, I have to give my input because according to a recent survey where I surveyed myself, only my opinion counts.

So, "Does Peyton Manning deserve the MVP". Anyone who knows me knows that Peyton IS in fact on my "list"* however, I would have to bow to someone else tonight. He is a workhorse. He has moves that make opponents shake their head in disbelief. And above all, he has scored more than many will in their lifetime. My nominee for the Super Bowl XLI MVP??? The Man, the myth, the legend, the symbol...

PRINCE

I could scale down that picture, you know, create a little more room, but then, where would it end? Would we have to put an arm back on the Mona Lisa? Or how about we straighten the Eiffel Tower out. No, you can't mess with greatness. Not with abs like that, and perfectly manicured facial hair... and sprigs of chest hair, just barely exposed, DAMMIT DIESEL, focus... focus.

Ok, so let's first go through the qualifications of his performance. First off, it was raining. The man plays an electric guitar. I'm not a quantum physicist (I couldn't even spell it without spell check... thanks blogger!) but I do know that electricity and water do not mix. But you can't stop the show, not when you're PRINCE. Oh no, you strap on your high heels, sliiiiiide into those tight, form fitting, spandex pants, and gyrate your hips so sensually to the music to create that emotion that will make some men question their, FOCUS... focus.

Those are some toight pants

Next, he involved the Florida A&M University Marching 100 in the presentation. Had I known that, I would still be rocking my trombone trying to become a member of the marching band. But besides that, no real comment here, I just thought it was neat. And yes, I do realize I could make a tromboner joke, but that would be low class. And I have bad memories from grade school... so thanks for bringing up painful fuckin memories.

He loves to play... I swear to god he does.

Moving on...

Prince decided to start off with the classic, "Let's Go Crazy" that has the ultimate introduction ever written, "Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here". From then on I knew it was destiny to be a good night. He decided on some old classics, such as "Rollin on the River", "All Along the Watchtower" (boner inducing), and then took a new wave turn with "Best of You". I wasn't really sure about "Best of You". I mean, Prince couldn't ever get the best of me. Not with that angelic voice, and Aunt Jemima scarf holding back that immaculate hair. Only to be undone as the rain came down, showing his lovely manly locks. Letting the rain drip down the curls of his hair until it reached his face and ran ever so slightly, ever so gently down his smooth, silky... DAMMIT!!!

Ok, I need to end this. The halftime show was looking to go down in history as one of the best ever. But then, after "Best of You" started to wind down, I heard it. Oh yes, I heard it. Those amazing chords that I have wooed many** a woman to. The song written by Lisa and Wendy, that Prince had to realize was so great to keep his job at the club (watch Purple Rain for extensive background history), "PURPLE RAIN".

PRINCE never meant to cause us any sorrow. He never meant to cause us any pain. He only wanted to one time see us laughing. Laughin in the PURPLE RAIN. And laugh we did. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we came together as a nation. A nation divided between left and right, North and South, Hillary's and Arnold's. We knew the most important thing that night was the fact that we were gathered there to unite. And unite we did... even if it was in front of a giant phallic shadow puppet. Did you object? I sure didn't.

So all in all, if it were up to me, Prince would be the MVP, not Peyton Manning. Oh, and PRINCE would definately pick the Caddy Corvette, not the Escallade, Peyton. I'm pretty sure those were cool about 5 years ago in Ludacris videos. But that seems like the learning curve for Peyton on current affairs. Plus, how sweet would PRINCE's Caddy be? You know that shit would be all purple with rims that had his sign on them.

All in all, it was amazing. My only regret, is that he didn't play "When Doves Cry." I almost cried purple tears. I imagine it would have looked something like this had my ultimate Prince-gasm came true.
Well, at the end of Halftime, the Super Bowl came back on and I heard one of them won. I'm just glad so far, no one has written countless articles about a black coach winning for the first time in February, which happens to be Black History Month. I'm all for diversity, but some people will never quite understand minorities and only use opportunities like this to exploit them and their accomplishments. I mean, it's hard being a minority I'm sure, when people don't understand you, and no one gets why you like certain things. No one knows why you look up to certain people or why you do the things you do, but you know what. You do, and thats all that matters. PRINCE , I want 2 B with U!!!

*Denotes my, "If I were gay list"

** Replace the word "many" with "no"

Just in Case Pat Needed a Pickmeup

Do they have Wii Paintball, because lessons from a pro like him are easily worth $2,000

So What Do We Do Now?

Well, now that football season is over, what are we going to talk about over here at Barely Breathing. My suggestion: Wet Men
Ok, So maybe not the greatest idea. But I've got others as well. I'm probably going to make you read through quite a bit of hockey stuff as I single-handedly try to make hockey relevant in Indiana. There's rumors that Chad might pop his blog cherry soon as well. Perhaps we could even get Poppe to divulge some of the member's on his infamous "list." Sojo has been dying to know what his rank is for quite some time now. The scuttlebutt has that we might even expand the writers and find some new magicians. There's been talk of baking ourselves into a bisque...but it's not that easy to get into Poof! If that last one didn't strike any chords then I suggest you rent Arrested Development and get ready for it to blow your skirt up! And if you don't know who that is in the picture, then we're not friends...

The real victim is...

Damnit!

Blackhawk Down

Headlines -
"All Rhodes Lead to Win!"
"That Was Gross, Man."
"Dennis Green Instructs Media to Remove Crown from Bears' Ass"

Random Thoughts
Glad I was downstairs for the Halftime Show, Poppe's Prince Boner may have been awkward to be around...
That Colbert Kid has some issues when he drinks...(Kidding Colbert, but you're still in the box)
Glad to see that they can finally ship those Colts AFC Champion shirts to First-World Countries(Is that a thing?)...
For some reason I can't help but wonder if Doug is gay...
Pat's penis was not getting the crowd response it normally does...
Poppe's Hole in the wall > Dick in a Box...
OK, I'm out for now, Might add some more later...

BEARS WIN!

I can't believe that comeback...

For Some Reason I saw this Picture and Couldn't Resist. It gives me an excuse to make a Pat Squirting Tag which will surely be used again.

Sorry Pat, but since you blacked out during the SUPER BOWL; It's only fair that we get to poke a little fun, you hotshot you. Thanks for the juice.

A QUARTER!

Whoops.

Position Breakdown, Jello Wrestling Style

We'll see who really is going to win the Super Bowl....

Peyton v. Rex
We all know that the Cumslinger is gonna be throwing rockets in the ring, but if the internets are correct, Peyton already knows how to deal with cum slung his way.
Winner: Peyton

Dallas Clark v. Desmond Clark
Too tough to pick
Winner: Clark

Tank Johnson v. Booger McFarland
Well, tanks are good in fights, but jello could mess up the treads. Can't think of anything grosser than a booger in jello...
Winner: Booger

Tony Dungy v. Lovie Smith
Lovie's got the weight edge, but he's no Samwise, so there's no way he's taking out Gollum in fight.
Winner: Dungy

SIDENOTE: Girl's phone just went off in the library. Her ringtone: "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." AWESOME

Gary Brackett v. Brian Urlacher
Gross, Urlacher got herpes in the Jello.
Winner: Urlacher

Jim Sorgi v. Kyle Orton
I'm pretty sure Sorgi's still scared of just about everything after that hit he took in college. Orton mistakenly thinks it's Jello-shots.
Winner: Orton

Adam Vinateiri v. Robbie Gould
It's hard to kick in Jello. Plus Vinateiri is so dreamy.
Winner: Ladies

Sharpe v. Diesel
Can't argue with history. And history says Pat pins him with or without Jello.
Edge: Sharpe

Jesus v. (Muhsin) Mohammed
Jesus has no trouble with footing on Jello.
Winner: Jesus

Marvin Harrison v. Bernard Berrian
Berrian simply touches Harrison for the pin after a fan throws Harrison football and he immediately downs himself to avoid contact.
Winner: Berrian

Mike Doss v. Mike Brown
Both tear other ACL's upon entry.
Winner: Doctors

Jeff Saturday v. Olin Kreutz
Jeff Saturday has a concealed weapons permit. I will not pick against that.
Winner: Saturday

Welp, I added up the winners in my head....and it's a draw. Something like 4-4-4.
This is assuming Jesus is neutral in the manner. We haven't talked about it yet. But I hear he's been spending alot of his time split between watching over Raiders fans and counseling Lions fans.



ENDNOTE: I thought briefly about doing this as a post about players favorite "positions", but I didn't want to offend our large U-12 crowd. In case you were wondering, Jeff Saturday's is "anything where he can just lay there." Apparently he's never in been in bed with a Martin Scorcese "type."

Our first interview!

Hey everyone! I'm extremely excited to inform everyone that I will be interviewing Peyton Manning and Brian Urlacher via phone in just a few minutes! F-CK YEAH!!! This is such a huge step for our small blog and I really think it will get us at least 2 more readers. I'm not a big Colts fan but it will be so nice to hear Peyton's thoughts. He is a brilliant QB and I'm sure the translator he brings with him will do a great job translating whatever it is he does mumble so don't be too worried. Hold on while I take this call from Manning's people.

Well this sucks. It seems that Peyton considered this to be a big interview for him and he didn't want to break his tradition of not showing up for big situations. I feel like I just got Tom Brady-ed, hard. I'm sure this is a disappointment for you Colts fans but you should be used to this by now. Well at least we will have a good talk with Urlacher. Brian Urlacher! The liver of my beloved Bears (I say liver of course because we all know the Sex Cannon is the heart and soul of the Bears). Wait, do I hear something magical? The blasting of Bear Down can mean only one thing, my phone is ringing! BRB (be right back).

(incoherent mumbling)

Well this sucks again. Urlacher can't talk with me today because it seems that he has already gotten three women in Miami pregnant and he has to go through DNA testing all day. I feel my heart breaking worse than when we had home field advantage but lost to the Eagles. They are the home of brotherly love which I think we can all agree is the gayest nickname possible. F-ck da Eagles.

It had better not be Paris...how is she not barren yet?

I guess this is a lesson that everyone can learn from. The lesson of course being that there are two teams full of people to talk about and we shouldn't just spend all our attention on two players. The only two person story that I would even begin to accept would be the pro bowl kicking battle taking place on Sunday. I tried to get a an interview with the two kickers but Adam, yeah I can just call him Adam, said I spit such hot fire he was afraid I would melt the ice in his veins and Robby is too busy nailing all the Rexettes Sexy Rexy passes up. I guess we can just chalk this first interview up as a worse failure than when I asked Dungy if I could interview his son.

Hey! That is the same face Adam is making!

PS If you haven't read the Challenger crew Super Bowl prediction than you are yet to read the best prediction for the game I've seen so far.

Dear (Not Read Very Often) Diary

So........
It's been kind of dead around here recently. I guess I better take the Tech N9NE off loop. I haven't seen a party with 4 people invited die this fast since the last time I invited Mike Birbiglia to an orgy. I don't understand, you guys are all last semester seniors. Typical day for me last spring:
Wake up (9:00-11:00 a.m.)
Brush teeth(11:01-11:02a.m.)
Decide whether to play NBA Live in my room, or Tiger Woods in Poppe's room.(11:02-11:30)
Eat Lunch(11:30-12:00p.m.)
Play Video Games(12:00-5:00p.m.)
Get asked whose room this is by pledge - Respond "Do you think I would play video games on MY couch all day? This is Poppe's room, my couch is too far from the TV so I sit on the stool. Go Away." ALL DAY
Get asked if I ever have classes - 2 times a day
Get asked by Dan if I ever wear something besides shorts/sweatpants - 1 a day
Eat Dinner (5:00-5:30)
Play Video Games (5:30-7:00)
Watch Highlander(7:00-8:00)
Watch whatever TV shows I like at time(8:00-10:00)
Rinse, Repeat, Scrub Undercarriage

I mean seriously guys, what the hell? I mean, I enjoy hearing myself talk as much as you guys [enjoy] hearing me talk, but occasionally my fingers get tired. [Yes I know that means I now have landscaping duty] Let's go guys! It's the Playoffs! It's Sweeps! Even if it's only some comments!
Even if it's just an exclamation point! OK, that's it. See ya guys this weekend.