Drunk Myths

Hi. I am drunk right now. And to help you out, I am here to dispell some drunk myths. Many people fall into many cliches about drunkeness and no one ever wants to really explain the reasoning behind their actions, but myself, being drunk, is ready to tackle the drunk myths that have forever plagued our society.

• "I don't remember what happened last night" - This tactic is usually used by the female sex in one of two ways. Either they did something really dumb and got pissed at you for no reason (guys in relationships know what I am talking about) or they engaged in some intimate situation in which they either regret (random hookup) or an initimate situation where they act out thier pornstar dreams. Either way it is an easy way out to keep them catholic school girl-esque in their minds.


• "I nailed this chick last night" - When in fact, he actually fell asleep after pleasuring himself to the Transformers trailer (it's really cool by the way). This tactic is usually used by males to other males to establish their conquering of the opposite sex, however, it usually is false, and everyone knows it, but all the guys listen in to the Hustler-like story to help a friend out.


• "I'm not that drunk!" - Yes you are. You are drunk. You are very drunk. In fact, if someone lit a match while you exhaled, you would shoot out a flame that would make Gene Simmons jealous.


• "I'M SO DRUNK!" - Yes you are. And no one likes you right now. You are loud and annoying. But we will laugh at you regardless.


• "I'm really tired..." - Me after writing this. I hope this is ok. There shouldn't be too many grammatical errors, because people who screw up typing while drunk, only do it on purpose to be really funny (when they really aren't) A true drunk can type ok, their ideas are just retarded (i.e. me!)

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little blog, I am having fun talking to immaginary friends. Take care and happy new years. Prost!!!!

What Happens In Kansas, Stays In Kansas

That is unless I post it on our Blog which last time I checked, gets hit as much as Whitney Houston when Bobby is on a coke binge. ZING!

If I Have Learned Anything in Life, It's That You Can Never Have Too Many Nicknames.

Talk about a sad holiday. First the Godfather of Soul bites it on Christmas, then in an act of defiance President Ford croaks the next day. The thing that sucks the most is James Brown is going to get shafted on this death duel. I mean, talk about the ultimate one-upsmanship. James Brown is like your drunk friend at the bar who always tells you exactly how they feel. You might wonder to yourself quietly, 'I don't think they are doing too well, I think they might have had too much' and then low and behold, "I FEEL GOOD!" right before they do another shot and smack a girl on the ass. I'm not sure if this is really how James Brown was, but it's how I would like to remember him... that and also by this amazing
celebrity mug shot that would rival that of Nick Nolte. Thank you internet!
Now lets move on to President Ford. He is like that neighbor guy who everyone always talks about being a really great guy and how much he does for neighborhood, but yet, you never see him do anything. All you ever hear about him is the stuff that happened before you when he saved that cat in the tree. I mean, the guy became President by default. James Brown became the Godfather of Soul by being the Hardest Working Man in Showbusiness. While Ford came up short in the fight against communism in Vietnam, not to mention hippies back home, James Brown helped set the tone in Rocky IV by singing "Living in America" before Apollo Creed's dramatic death at the hands of the communist Russian boxer Ivan Drago. Apollo thought that the Russian would be no match for The Dancing Destroyer, The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, and The Count of Monte Fisto however his fate was met. "If he dies, he dies," Drago exclaimed, bringing about looks of amazement as he put together more than 3 words to form a sentence. But even Rocky couldn't stay down with James saying, "Get up! Get on up! Get up! Get on up!" So what did Rocky do? Rocky got up. And he pummelled the steroid-taking, flat-top sporting, Bridgette Nielson humping Drago down, defeating communism with the courageous words in front of the Prime Minister declaring, "If I can change, you can change, WE CAN ALL CHANGE!" And that is how communism was defeated by James Brown.
So I hope that when you are driving around your town, and you see flags at half mast, you take a minute and think about the President that let the Vietnam domino fall, and then focus on the real reason why the flag is at half mast, because we lost the man, the myth, and the legend... that singlehandedly set in motion the events that would lead to the fall of communism.

Review/Gayest Post Yet!

Thoughts after watching the entire season in 24 hours on a Kinda Good Season 4

• Wow, Sojo is teased all season long that Christian might be gay and I was not there to needle him about it...goddamn I hate not being an undergrad anymore.
• I believe that I am probably now certified to make a mold of Christian's ass...with my eyes closed.
• The only way they can keep Kimber around is to have her marry Matt? That is weak, and I do not accept the pregnant porno throwaway story.
• It's about time someone made fun of scientology...oh wait.
• So Sean is a millionaire plastic surgeon and his wife cheated on him with a midget after they were married...and she ends up with the kids? I'm finding it hard to believe that Stanley Kahn couldn't have gotten at least the clawed one in the divorce or something.
• Matt becomes a surgeon after a stellar academic career of quitting high school? Perhaps helping a transvestite kill a Nazi is like some kind of bonus point I was not aware of?
• That penis sculpture would look amazing in the President's room on like a raised dais or something equivalent, with a spotlight shining down on it. Like a more artistic representation of brother Frank.
• 
  
• 
• So AC is a gay surgeon? He fantasizes about all the cum Christian has left in the shower? Check him off the list of Saved by the Bell Cast members I've seen naked now. [Seriously, who's left, Lisa Turtle? Mr. Belding(god help me if this ever happens)] Can't wait to see the tough biker chick.
• Um, Bobolit gets out of prison in like, 1 year? Although I did giggle when he asked for an anal retread.
• I'm pretty sure the Organ Thieves Story line could have been like, a thousand times better. It should have been run by a crazy French Robber-Baron, not that ugly french pimptress who loves handjobs. The baron could have had like a sweet mustache and half cape and he could have been Christian's wing man when they picked up like cheerleading squads at competitions. Then there could have been an awkward moment when an old man was making them fuck his wife while he watched and cringed so he could get his power back...oh wait. By the way, convincing a girl who randomly hooked up with a guy to come back and have a fake tattoo with "Property of xxxx" on her back...best prank ever. I expect to see it done next semester Pat. I would do it to you, but I don't think Beno would get a fake tattoo...ZING.
• I think my favorite moment of the season was seeing future Christian. Although it would have been much funnier had he showed up with two Asian male twins. That scene would have been quickly supplanted as my favorite had the less gay of the two male yakuza gun Escobar lackeys had said to the other guy, "I think that you are wearing women's perfume."
• Season 5 in LA? I guess it has potential, although it seems to be just setting them up for more celebrities and possibly Matt meeting Michael Jackson. Or a climactic battle between Christian, Sean, Tom Cruise and John Travolta for Matt's soul. And I do mean climactic, yow. Hammock UP!
• 
• Last note for now:
• Christian plays Hide the Sausage with Rosie O'Donnell and she asks if its all the way in. Which Option is correct?
• Christian not hung like a mule as he has previously stated.
• Rosie O'Donnell has a HUGE VAGINA.
• Christian is holding back, only brings his A-game for shower scenes with AC.

Later Fellas, Fill me in about New Years
P.S. I wasn't going to make this super gay, but then I wanted to add pictures, and I knew that was the only way to go then.

This picture made my day...although I can't imagine Sojo appreciated how small you made his neck. I demand a Sojo in the morning follow up picture, complete with glasses, white t-shirt, and his boxers that make him appear assless. (I was going to write assless boxers but that doesn't quite convey the same image.)

Over here, we call it a "wallsausage"...

Open wide for a banger in the mouth.

www.wallbangers.com

And the award for hottest in the Blog goes to...

C2P Album Art

I made a mockup of your eventual album cover. I think it's pretty awesome. I think there are three weapons in the picture, and you could perform in that same helmet.

Things more sad than riding the exercise bike while playing FIFA alone for $200 please?

What is I could spend days straight naked and no one would know?

What is the only words I've spoken aloud today have been expletives? (Normal day for Sojo i guess)


...double jeapordy for riding the bike naked (just thought I'd throw that visual out there for you)...

BIOHAZARD!

Let's debate Office vs. Arrested Development. I'll let you choose a side; we can start with character battling if you wish.

I'll take things I could do to improve sexual intercourse for $100, please

stop crying



I forgot to change my answer into the form of a question so...

smoothies thus far: 0

Television

You know what really sucks, I can never tell if I'm saying something that is originally funny, or if it is just my mind subconsciously ripping off someone else's ideas I've already read/heard.
Poor segway into this topic, the laugh track. That thing makes me so angry. If you really need a laugh track to tell you when something is funny, then you really shouldn't be watching television. You probably need to be in personality reshaping class or something. Also, when I am watching tv, it is not necessary for me to feel like there are a bunch of other people there with me sharing in the laughs. Although I will admit that watching comedies with other (real) people around does tend to induce more laughter, if a show isn't making me laugh out loud when I am by myself, how funny is it really? Does the piped in laughter make me want to laugh at lame jokes...no.
Which leads us to Arrested Development. While I understand that it could be hard to jump into that show without starting at the beginning, would it really have helped if there was a laugh track so uninitiated viewers would know when a seemingly innocuous line was meant to be funny? I mean, in some episodes the laugh track may have not stopped from the beginning to the end. Even world-class hookers arent' purported to have the lung capacity to maintain one breath for 21 minutes straight. But I can understand why people didn't really catch on with AD if they didn't bother to start from the beginning. Of course that doesn't excuse Fox from not running AD marathons of FX in lieu of another crazy episode of World's Most Exciting Hand-held Camera Footage of a Redneck Officer Chasing After A Drunken Man Who Only Managed To Get One Leg Into His Jean Shorts Before He Took Off Running. I guess my point is either you can appreciate good humor on its own, or you can sit back and enjoy that episode of Raymond when his cousin who is just as annoying as Raymond visits...
To Be Continued...

My Re-Blow of Adam

My political view is much more fun than adam's. I have been watching fox news, due mainly to the sounds associated with their stories, and I have found out that there has been quite a bit of "Bush Bashing" going on. I am going to go out on a limb and say that a hysterical phrase has never gone so long without being made fun of. Bush Bashing? I typed this into my pornosaurus and found these responses:

Vagina Violence
Cooter Kicking
Mud Flap Mutalation
etc., etc.,

I cannot believe that my comedic God, Bill O'Rilley (sp? I don't even care because he is SO funny!) has yet to put this in his show. He has pointed out so many hysterical happenings such as...I can't really remember one but I remember one time that he sexually harrased a women as a joke. This leads me to believe that I'm the only one who thinks that Bush Bashing (kekeke) is funny so...

smoothies thus far: 0

My Very First Blogrant (pronounced Blow-grant)

So, I've been wondering, is there a time in your life when you're obligated to become interested in politics? I mean frankly, at this point in my life, I feel like I should be interested, but I'm not. Do you think that we've gone too far in making politicians look like ordinary people? Don't you think that the people who shape the government (and supposedly the world) should be extraordinary people? I think that I personally would much rather have someone I can get behind because he is smart and forward-thinking but elitist than someone who I might have seen in the urinal next to me. When you look back in history, you don't think, "Wow, that George Washington guy was a great leader and visionary, but he didn't even wear the same hair and teeth as everyone else, I wouldn't have voted for him."
I'm digressing. Let's look at George Bush. He went to an Ivy League school (purported to harbor only the greatest minds in America), and his dad was the President. So I'm supposed to believe he's just like me? That's ridiculous. I don't believe that nor do I want to. So why is it whenever I see him talk I'm embarassed to have him representing our country? Why is it that he is constantly either mispronouncing or misusing words? THE MAN HAS SOMEONE WHO WRITES HIS SPEECHES! Am I supposed to believe he can't read? HE CANNOT EVEN PRONOUNCE NUCLEAR CORRECTLY! He is the leader of the country that has (most likely) enough nuclear weapons to blow up the entire world! HAS NO ONE ASKED HIM TO PERHAPS PRONOUNCE IT NOT LIKE A MORON? This leads me to believe that he is purposely saying it wrong. So either he is a too stubborn to admit that he says it wrong, or statistics show that we actually want a President who comes off as ignorant. In my mind the latter makes more sense. The former seems unlikely seeing that adaptation is key in maintaining a presence in politics. Do we really need to relate to our President? Am I worried that I might feel out of place if we were to meet in public? The ramifications leave me dumbfounded.

"and then the Dementors came in..."

Welcome me

I'm so happy to be here and I'm even happier that Adam has promised me a smoothie for everything funny that I say.

smoothies thus far: 0

I retain animation rights. Hammock up!

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