I am better than you.

Why you say?
Besides the obvious reasons you guys already know, I now work(volunteer because they can't afford to pay me and I can't afford to have Summer of 2004 as my last employment reference) for the government. That means I am performing my civic duty. Yesterday i waited in line for over an hour to get an ID card made with your tax dollars that's sole use is to allow me to park in the garage paid for by your tax dollars. (not my tax dollars since i haven't had an income in over 2 years). So suck it.

Office - Good finale. As much as I fear that Jim and Pam getting together will hurt the show, the incessant whining of people waiting for them to get together was hurting my brain too. $80,000 indeed. Pretty excited that there will be something like 30 episodes next season (25 episodes, 5 being an hour long).

Heroes - Never going to live up to the hype, but was decent enough anyways.

Lost - Also pretty badass. Pat didn't mention it so I won't spoil the ending where Hurley gets naked and smothers Kate. Also Jack and Sawyer finally act on all that sexual tension (Finally!).

Pirates of the Carribean 3 - I actually liked it. Much better than the second one. And not like how getting punched in the balls the third time is better than the second.

Spiderman 3 - Terrible...wow...How no one in New York punched him in the face while he was prancing down the street fingergunning all those chicks is a mystery to me. And they really should have had Red come in and kill Venom by shoving his foot up Venom's ass. Also the sand guy was incredibly pointless.

Alright, I don't want to try to think of anything witty to write so I'm going to stop typing and leave you with this mildly informative and completely without humor post.
HOLLA!

Something to do...

Everyone is boring

Hey all you graduates (and Dan). The blog has been pretty boring as of late and since I'm now back from vacation, or "holiday" as my increasingly European father said, I feel as if the blog should provide me with something to read on a daily basis. Therefore I will allow for this post to be the official "what did everyone think of the season finales" post. I personally just finished the Heroes and House finales that I missed and I can say that both of them were enjoyable. I was a little disappointed with Heroes but I thought that House was rock solid. My favorite thus far was obviously The Office because I'm mildly obsessed with Jenna Fischer and I'm glad that she and Jim will more than likely have sex on network television (I just got an eBoner). I thought that Scrubs blew but the season overall was rather fun so I will write the crappy final episode of the season off. I'm also ready for the summer series to start and I'm sure that my head will explode once I can finally get some new episodes of Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Sadly these have been the high points of my summer thus far so all you losers should chime in and allow me to read this blog during the 16 hours a day I waste doing nothing.

Thoughts on my Gradumacation

It was a wonderfully hot May night (80's) as I entered the Armory. I had recently had to run back across campus to get the four tickets that were left in my apartment and had already built up a nice sweat before putting on my gown, (which was probably my forth layer of clothes). The Armory was a pleasent 95 degrees with a massive crowd where I waited for the glorious ceremony for 45 baking minutes.

It was quite impersonal. Especially the fact that I walked in to have a number litterally put on my back and told to get in line. When they saw that we weren't single file a fat bitch yelled at us and said we were going to get the order screwed up and the wrong diplomas. Like we could honestly fuck this up. I know how to walk in numerical order when I have to. The ceremony I felt was pretty cheesy especially the singing of "America the Beautiful", the part in which I fell asleep. I was awake when they sang both the two Purdue songs and the Allumni dude said we were important/special to the university ($$$$????).

Oh well, I knew this was coming. I saw it four years ago when my sister graduated. I suppose I am just angry that after everything is supposedly all said and done I have to go back for another semester.

Any thoughts on the ceremony?

Last week at Purdue for many

Beer Olympics was a great idea. It's highly recommended.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=milNmqjr1tQ

I woke up at 6AM

Yeah, that's right. I woke up at 6AM in the morning today... and it was not pleasant. I spent all last night with wires and cords connected to me like I was the bionic man. I had to do my sleep study because apparently my body feels that when I sleep, I don't need to breathe all the time... only some of the time. But the whole night was pretty sweet, and since I'm sure everyone wants to know exactly what happened, here is a little play by play of my night.

8:30PM - Arrive at Hospital. I feel pretty stupid carrying in a bookbag and a pillow like I'm going to a sleepover. I felt even more dumb when I realized that stuffed animals were not allowed. (sorry Fluffy, you'll have to sit this one out)

8:45PM - I go to the door of my "suite" to find it closed and multiple other people waiting outside. Among them, an old man that keeps cursing for no reason talking about how he hates to wait, a big black man that keeps staring at me from the side of his eye, and a little girl... with a stuffed animal... bitch gets priveleges just because of her age.

8:50PM - A waaaaaay too excited man opens the door that looks like Alec Baldwin and Richard Simmons had a love child. Yeah... think about it. Anyways, he leads us in and directs me to my room. This room is sweet. It is like a high roller sweet with a big ass bed, a recliner, paintings ( i looked at them a lot because I got bored... more about this later), a TV, chairs, a desk, phone, room service, beautiful view of the greatest city on Earth (Indianapolis).

9:00PM - A big big lady comes in and gives me a diet pepsi. She said I looked like I needed it. I said, oh yea? Well I might be fat, but I'll lose the weight... you'll always be ugly. Then she said, you looked thirsty. She begins to cry and I kinda feel bad... kinda. She leaves.

10:00PM - Quickly change the channel from the Girls Gone Wild promotion that was on the TV as the big big lady comes back in and starts connecting me with all sorts of wires and goop.

10:15PM - I now have more wires on me than Edison's first attempt at the lightbulb. (I have no clue what that means either, don't worry) She asks me if I need to go potty. I turn to her and tell her no, my pee pee is empty because my sippy cup wasn't that full. I proceed to get into bed and she tucks me in... very creepy.

10:30PM - Big Big Lady (BBL from now on) has left the room and gone into the control room. The room is pitch black, then like God, BBL talks to me somehow over some intercom. I piss myself and have to have a new electrode put on... should of gone potty. She tells me to look in certain directions with my eyes and tests me for weird stuff like, "Make a sound like you think you sound when you snore" I hee haw like a donkey... they do not find it amusing.

10:45PM - The testing is over and I am told to go to sleep. This would be cool except my average sleeping time since coming home has been 3:30AM. I lay there and wonder if they will hear me if I fart. I do anyways but cough to cover it up.

SLEEPTIME - I have the craziest dream ever that deals with group therapy, my old boss, my wires and cords that I'm wearing and the Civil War. It was like a Tony Soprano dream in Season 6... only Steve Buscemi wasn't in it... that would have been bad ass.

6:00AM - I am awakened by BBL as she comes in and rips the covers off me. BBL meets LBP (Little Big Poppe) and we immediately both feel awkward. She tells me that I am free to go and gives me orange juice. Luckily it had no pulp, because I swear to God if BBL would have given me pulpy orange juice...

6:45 - I arrive home and go back to watching TV. I am completely lost as I have no clue what is on TV this early. I find out its a lot of boring news shows and left over informercials... yet I could not find the Esteban infomercial... that one is boss.

Well, that was pretty much it. And its all completely true. And by completely true I mean it's about as true as Curt Schillings original statements about Barry Bonds. (What an ass right? And it takes a lot to make Barry Bonds look like a victim). Oh, and the pretty ladies? They were there because Im sure maybe one person has made it this far to actually read this sentence... so if you are reading this sentence, congratulations, you have just wasted a lot of your time... but you can redeem it for one sensual massage at your desiring.

Oh, and P.S. - Am I obsessed with Danica Patrick, I say no, but the restraining order says yes. However, if you look like Danica and will say, "Vroom Vroom" in the bedroom, feel free to contact me. Prost!

Diesel... out!

MOM! SANDWICHES!

Well, I finally finished college and I am supposed to be entering into this "real world". So far it's been pretty cool. I moved back home, my mom makes me food, I kind of lay around and watch TV with my dog. It's not too bad, other than my dad always telling me I have to get like a job or something. I figure, if life is anything like the movies, which I think we all agree life is like a movie, something always happens right when stuff gets bad. And right now, stuff is pretty sweet. I mean, check out this sandwich my mom made. Pretty bad ass eh?

Also, I have been able to take some time and evaluate what is really important in life and been able to tackle hard questions like, "Do you think Tony Reale just sticks around after "Around the Horn" to be "Stat Boy" for "PTI" or do you think he pre tapes that shit? I mean, he's getting pretty big these days. I mean, like status wise, not like muscle wise, but i bet the dude has some sweet lats. You know, the kind you can just grab a hold to, or the ones that would ripple if you were cold in the rain ... and he held you all tight in his chest because ... you were scared and he would tell you that everything is going to be ok while resting his cheek on your head ... and you feel so safe because ... you feel like everything he's saying is real ... for the first time in your life? Or I mean, whatever.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, TV is sweet. I bet Mr. Vision (Tele is his first name, i looked it up on wikipedia, don't worry) is pretty rich off of his invention. I know I sure like it. So Mr. Vision, thank you, you have made my day. If i ever make it rich and big in the "real world" i shall send you some money... or have my mom send you a nice sandwich.

The Sharpe's dating advice: for women!

True story. Some of us work for our fit bodies and we would like to see you do the same as well. This may be the Oxycontin speaking but I would much rather have a girl in danger of breaking than a girl constantly baking. This rule even goes if Fatty McButter Thighs is baking banana bread, which I think we all can agree is the most superior of all breads. I really, really love banana bread but I also love going to the beach without having to shield my eyes from your spot on impersonation of a beached whale. I'm also not a believer in that whole "we have an extra layer of fat" excuse. I have an extra layer of awesome but this does not keep me from being in a constant search of ways to make myself even more awesome. This even while 3/4 ninja turtles in the teenage range agree that I am the pinnacle of awesomeness. It is so hard to be nearly flawless in the eyes of TMNTs so shut your yap and starve yourself pretty, like Nicole Richie.

ps-also stop bitching about blow jobs, you don't see me bitching about having to get them (this is because I bitch about them in the privacy of my friends...seriously, just put out and we can both pretend to enjoy ourselves)

In defense of Brady...

Did anyone else see the pictures and think...that's not the gayest thing i've seen people do in pictures, i've probably done gayer things in a picture myself? Anyone? OK it was just me.

I am so proud of my little boys...

Congratulations to all of our graduating contributers...and chad(i kid).

I was gonna post a picture of me giving a thumbs up or something...but I don't want our hit count to go up too high if a picture of my face gets out...so here's one of the top of my head showing it's support.

Those are the money beets

The winner of favorite song was.............Two Princes. WOOHOO Spin Doctors!!! Will2K got a disappointing zero votes...which is odd because we are smack dab in the middle of the Willenium so I thought maybe it would get more support. I guess I'll put up a new poll since that one's been up for a while now.

Which world do you live in?
Real World - I am starting my career.
Fantasy World - I will be in school forever!
Dream World - I sleep at least half of the day.
Lost World - I hate diplodoci.
Wayne's World - Aurora is sweet.
Mad World - But is it Tears for Fears or Gary Jules?
Tears for fears - I live a herky jerky lifestyle
Gary Jules - I am depressed and heavily medicated...and ironic
Cool World - I ran out of world references... i don't see you making any polls jerk
Current results

Actually there are TWO new polls, for those ambitious fellows.

Why yes, I would like to post this picture

Jack wears tighty whightys?
At least he could keep an extra clip under his taint...

Merry National Fuck Legs Day!

Do you have legs? Fuck em! Do you have a wheelchair? Pimp it! Today is the second annual Fuck Legs Day and I am happy to say that in honor of the day I will use my legs as little as possible. This hand propelled holiday came about last year while I was walking it out at U of I with Chris and we were able to witness Bar Roll '06. This group of straight wheelers collectively rolled out into the bar and started to slam shots until they were absolutely disabled. These kids literally got physically retarded. The real pisser is that not only were these guys getting free drinks but they were also scoring more girls than a Vietnam vet. I slowly became drunk and jealous and decided that I would no longer handicap my fun but I would instead embrace this lack of legs the next year. So why not join me and permit yourself to also embrace this holiday by pulling up a (wheel)chair and killing some shots for your brothers from another disabled mother.

In honor of the day:



and...

What about Macaroni...wait for it...salad?

Here's GOB, he has been missed here.


Also the greatest moment of tv ever....ever

No one is posting...

This video made me giggle so I've decided to put it up in an
attempt at comments. I've also got a post coming as soon as
I stop being lazy. I'll put it up in like 10 years then!1!! 
ZING!!