Who has the best nipples?

Dear blog,

Tom was watching Friends with some candles lit (pause for laughter) when I came home from class and I noticed the one reason why people liked Friends so much...Jennifer Aniston's nipples. That women has the female version of a constant hard on and it is impossible to glance away. If there were a company making Nippleagra she would definitely have to give them a ring due to the medicine lasting much longer than 6 hours. So, since this worked so well for a laugh tracked, overrated, yet still made decent by Chandler show, I think one of us should take pictures of ourselves while we post AND make sure that every picture shows whomever wins (loses?) with a couple of hard nips. I'm talking glass cutting hard. I'm talking so hard that they test the hardness of diamond against them. I'm talking the kind of hard Beno wants to hit me everytime I mention how gay he is. The only democratic way for us to resolve who will be nip slipping is to put the matter up to a vote in the comment section. My vote goes to Chad because he is so ripped.

Love,

Sexy Patsy

Super Bowl Drinking Game

For the purposes of this game, a drink will be a normal pull of whatever you have in your hand. A shot is a shot, if you have questions about that see Chad.

Colts Fans
1 drink:

• Shot of Peyton on the only corded(cordful?, concorde[spanish with a accent on the e]) phone left in America.
• Marvin catches ball, runs straight out of bounds, avoids shots from deer hunters.
• Defense that was terrible all year makes hand gesture to celebrate ordinary play.
• Vinateiri makes field goal.
• Hunter Smith Punts.
• Colts go three and out.
• Bears returner goes for more than 30 yards on kickoff, 15 yards on punt.
• Archie Manning shown.
• Tarik Glenn false starts.
  

1 shot:

• Peyton throws to guarded receiver on 4th down in vain attempt to get pass interference call; doesn't.
• Terrence Wilkins fumbles football on obvious fair catch situation.
• Vinateiri misses field goal.
• Peyton throws interception.
• Lineman scores touchdown for/against Colts.
• Dallas Clark suffers 8th hideous leg injury.
• Dirty thoughts about Tony Dungy(see picture)
  

FINISH DRINK(3 shots):

• Peyton Manning scores on 80 yard run, taunts Urlacher, does flip into endzone.

You keep those mental images of naked Tony Dungy to yourself. SHOT!
Click this link http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/2006/06/uhhwtf.gif to actually see it working.

Bears fans
1 drink:

• Rex Grossman makes bad throw.
• Bears run 3 straight times for first down.
• Bears defense holds for 3 and out.
• Hester returns kick for over 30, punt for over 15.
• Bears receiver drops catch.
• Kyle Orton shown on sidelines.
• Grossman does something stupid and Muhsin Muhammad tries his best to not look like he wants to kill him. [sharpe]
• Tommy Harris or Mike Brown get hurt somehow on the sideline. [sharpe]
• 1985 team is mentioned.[sharpe]
• Thomas Jones goes thug and tries to start a fight after a legal tackle.[sharpe]

1 shot:

• Rex Grossman overthrows receiver by at least 10 yards.
• Grossman's QB rating after quarter is less than mine.
• Robbie Gould misses field goal.
• Kyle Orton plays.
  
• Bears intercept Peyton.
• Lineman scores for/against Bears.
  

FINISH DRINK

• Tank Johnson gets sack, 21 gun salutes.
• Ditka saves Miami from a natural disaster.[sharpe]

Brother! You look terrible...

That's all I could think of for now. Suggestions for more are encouraged in the comments, especially from Bears fans since I haven't actually watched them play this year. I'll add the good ones to the lists. I've been itching to put up that little animation of the guy checking out Dungy forever. I don't care if you've already seen it. It's from Deadspin.

The Real Victims Are the Children pt. 4

Kid: Dad!
Ryan: Huh, what?
Kid: I think there's a monster in the house.
Ryan: AHH! A monster?
Kid: Something was growling all night.
Ryan: ...Oh, you're probably just hearing my snoring, it can be pretty loud.
Kid: That was you? We don't even sleep on the same floor! Anyways, when is Uncle Sojo leaving? He's been playing my brand new video game all the time since I bought it yesterday. I haven't even played it yet!
Ryan: I don't know Johnny D, I thought he was going to leave a week ago.
JD: Do you think that I could get him to stop playing "Heaven is a Place on Earth" over and over again?
Ryan: Probably not. Hey, you wanna do something fun?
JD: Sure.
Ryan: Let's go try and convince Uncle Sojo that all the cool guys are getting belly button rings.
JD: You think it will work?
Ryan: Maybe if we distract him with candy...

Diesel doesn't have any pictures on facebook so I'll have to update it with a picture later...

The Real Victims Are the Children pt. 3

Kid walks into his father's den.

Young Adult: Oh hey Dad, what are you up to?
Chad: Huh, what?
Young Adult: (Confused) Oh, sorry, I thought you were looking right at me.
Chad: Don't worry about it. It was just a quick power nap before I go over some more game film.
Young Adult: Why are you still wearing full pads? You know as well as I do the game isn't for another 2 days.
Chad: I'm trying to get into the right frame of mind, this is an important game.
Young Adult: I know that, but you're coaching, and I'm going to need those pads for the game. I thought you were just borrowing them for your own football game, although I was never quite clear why you needed them for flag football.
Chad: Well, there's going to be a lot of pro scouts at the game, and ever since I got the operation that gave me 2 extra inches of height, I've been working out in preparation for my comeback. I brought out my high school pads that you can use for the game. And I'm going to need my number back as well.
Young Adult: Fine, I wish you had let me pick my own number in the first place.
Chad: Don't get all bent out of shape about it Junior. Also, make sure you're looking for me going deep, the corner's will cheat up on me since I'm an unknown.
Chad Jr: Dad, you're not actually going to play.
Chad Sr: Yes I am.
Chad Jr: No you're not.
Chad Sr: Yes, I am.
Chad Jr: Fine, but I am not passing to you.
Chad Sr: If you're trying to sabotage my comeback, then you're benched.
Chad Jr, Chad Sr: Jerk.



Unrelated NOTE: Does any one else get excited when jhutt emails you? I keep hoping that hsolo or lskywalk will be next.

Early Morning Musings

• Punter fight? More or less exciting than a goalie fight. I say more.
• I overheard an IU football player tell someone on the bus that if they play their best every game, they'll go 12-0...wow. I can only imagine that would be the equivalent of me saying, "If I do my best, I could kill a hungry tiger with my bear hands."
• Media Week has probably never been less anticipated. I think the most exciting thing that might happen is that Dungy And Lovie might get caught tonguing in the endzone.
• Hockey's back on tonight, in case you were wondering.
• I've been flushing my toilet with a coat hanger recently.
• Called a girl a "fatty" in my head today because she slowed the bus for 2 seconds while she was getting out of her car that had stopped right in front of us...that was probably impatient, although to my credit she should probably exercise more for her long term health.
• I'm pretty much doing this to avoid starting some homework. I don't know when blue book citation lost its pizazz.
• I noticed our site traffic had a dip in it yesterday, perhaps we need to start planning what we're going to do for "sweeps." If anyone is willing to volunteer to be killed off, I think we could grab some huge numbers that way.
• Speaking of grabbing huge things...nevermind, I didn't grab anything huge recently.
• I probably shouldn't giggle about having "oral argument" later this semester right?
• We're learning about relativity of title in Property Law. For example: There is a group of people at a restaurant who are finished eating. Sojo calls phi's on all of the remaining food. While this does not give Sojo the right to eat food that is claimed by the original owner, his right to the unclaimed food is greater than say, Chad's, who called phi's shortly thereafter as man-pride and dominance establishment law dictated.
• Chad, we would all enjoy a discourse by you on the various nuances of dominance establishment.
  
• Finally, I firmly believe the word "chathlete" should find it's way into the lexicon. I propose that it stands for someone who is deceptively athletic.
• I almost broke my keyboard with my iron fists of tyranny. [updated]
  

In the Red

"I got a threshold, Jules. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a racecar in the fuckin' red. It could blow."

I realized today that something has been bothering me the past couple of days and I finally know what it is. Old people. That's right, old people. "But how can you say you don't like old people Diesel?" Because what are they going to do? Call me a whippersnapper? Tell me about how it used to be. Hell, they won't even find out because they won't turn on "that devil machine" that all of us born after prohibition (thank God) use everyday, the computer, to read this blog.

It's not the fact that their skin makes me feel funny because it's transparent or even the fact that when they talk while they eat they always accidentally spit little shards of corn out of their mouth without noticing. No, its the fact that they refuse to acknowledge modern technology.

If there is anything in this world I hate more, it is the college professor who proudly announces the times he’s been published or that he doesn’t watch TV. I love TV. I love TV more than anything. But TV can be educational too. It’s not just ESPN, Comedy Central, or late night Girls Gone Wild commercials that excite me way more than they probably should. There’s educational channels… although I usually just flip through them because they are boring as sin. Wait, on second thought, isn’t pre marital sex a sin? Sin isn’t boring, at least not for me. But yes, I do notice the bored look in her eyes everytime. Oh well, agree to disagree.

If only I could see around those pesky graphics…

AND ANOTHER THING. I hate old sayings. They are just plain annoying. Nothing funny to say here, they just annoy me. Like when an old person says “what in the Sam Hill…” or “Don’t eat that entire tube of cookie dough Ryan, you’ll put your stomach in a knot.” Well I got news for you Grandma, I will eat that cookie dough. And I am gonna enjoy it. It’s more fun than sitting here playing with the two toys you have left over from 1914. What the hell am I gonna do with 6 Lincoln Logs and a half inflated ball.

Well, on the other hand, I did get a whole tube of cookie dough from my grandma… ok, screw it, I love you grandma. You know how to make me fat and happy.

I love you grandma

my penis will remain intact

Finally! WWTDD.com has put up a post saying that Kelly Osbourne will NOT be appearing nude in Playboy. I have been living under an axe for the last 22 years. Do people of this fine planet truly want to risk a penis that is long as the day...is long? Why did this announcement take so long? God forbid if this had actually happened. What if I had accidentally clicked on celebrity porn while my pants were accidentally down with my hand accidentally wrapped around my member (aka cock)? I would have been forced to finish up and then begin my long search to re-find my soul.

Do obese Vampires even show up on film?

After a quick clean up...of tears...I was ready to begin my day. I therefore began to imagine celebrities naked, since it is Wednesday, and after Sienna and Scarlett were done going family style on me my mind began to drift to famous folk I wouldn't want to see naked.

1. Oprah
2. Rosie
3. this list is disgusting and I refuse to continue

How terrible am I at lists? Moving along, who in their right mind ever actually thought that Kelly Osbourne would even be a candidate to pose naked? How the hell would they put her entirely in frame? It would be a three page spread...of her calves. She would be the first poster girl who had to be projected onto the side of a building. Also, I adore* slutty girls, more than the average bear some may say, but the line "I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushing on my tits" actually made me throw up in my mouth. Someone said tits and I wasn't excited. Tits. I fight arousal at times when people says tips.

This girl (?) is so mind numbingly ugly that I'm ready to say something I never thought I would. I don't even think I could make her a Mii* character. Not even the mean version of Chad comes close to this monster. There isn't even a clear yet slutty option in the creation process. I'm upset to the point that only Wii tennis can cheer me up...or another round with Sienna and Scarlett...

*used because it sounds like whore
**that is the custom person made on the Wii (blow me)

A Day at the Gym

So I recently became a full time member at a gym. I thought I would discuss with you some of the experiences and thoughts that go through my head on a normal day there.

Walk into the gym. Hold door for an old lady. Try not to think about death.

Walk up to locker room. See an old man naked on the scales. Wonder why he needed such an exact measurement.

Go over to locker. Try not to breath through nose. Change into different socks. Successfully stand on one foot while removing other sock and putting new sock on in order to avoid touching floor.

Put on weight lifting gloves. Wonder if other guys think I'm a "nancy-boy" for wearing them. Admit to myself that I like having soft hands.

Walk out to weight room. Immediately look for someone smaller than I am so I can feel a little better about myself. Don't find anyone, try not to make eye contact with any of the bigger guys.

Girl walks up to dumbbell rack. Secretly hope that she doesn't take weights that are heavier than mine. Mental sigh of relief when she doesn't quickly changes to smug satisfaction that I could take her in a fight...probably.

Ha. I can do that with 2.5's added to each side!

Listen to music. Try not to mouth words silently. Notice big guy looking at me. Hope he doesn't come over and make me give up my machine.

Notice much bigger guys looking at me. He and his friend are laughing. Can't hear them. Hope it's not about me.

Try not to talk to anyone. One time guy walked over and said something to me, I responded with unparalleled voice crack, he looks at me funny. I try to find way to talk to him again so he doesn't go tell everybody that I'm the guy with the funny voice.

Big guys see weights I'm putting on the bar, not impressed. Neither am I. I take solace in fact that I am probably smarter. Will keep holding on to that as he curls very large weight.

Go over to leg machines. Sit down. Do reps. Get up. See girl go to machine I was at. Worry that I left it all sweaty. Move on.

Run on track. Pass guy. Think smugly how much faster I am than him. See him running behind me still. Don't want him to pass me. Run really hard on last lap. Walk one more lap breathing heavily. He passes me. I still win.

See people playing Ultimate Frisbee on soccer field. Lame. Don't think about fact that at least they have friends with them. Go home.

Look in mirror, Exclaim "God I'm Ripped." Chuckle.

hey horses, fuck you

When did horses become something that was news worthy? Cool, someone ejected an animal with alcohol. This sounds like something I can get behind. Drunk people are always a riot and there are zero consequences that I can think of. Did it do some funny on accident? Did it not leech of its owners more than I do with my parents? Oh, it just stopped being a bitch before it raced (the one thing that is asked of it before it spends the rest of it's time having sex)? Wow, horses suck.

Hey horses, good luck out there despite my feelings, break a leg. What? You have a good chance of dying if you break a leg? Good thing you only have four. I am one of the world's most fragile people and I've broken a leg.* I am not writing this from the grave. Wow, horses suck.

Not Dead

Almost Dead

Hey kids lets take a trip down to the petting zoo. Look there is a goat, sure Kimmy, pet that little bastard. Why are there no horses? Sorry Timmy, a horse would bite off your damn hand or kick you in the face. Just be happy with those smelly pellets coming out of the machine that should be filled with delicious runts. I agree Jimmy, horses suck.

I shouldn't give horses a completely bad rap though. Look at all the people who enjoy horses. There are jockeys who are small enough to feel as if they should freak me out, white Derby fans who still believe the Civil War was about States rights and that those damn darkies were completely happy as slaves, and creepy little girls who feel the need to show their love in shirt form. How many people under 75 even watch horse racing? One crown on an animal is retarded so I can only wonder how silly a triple crown would look like. Even Elmer and his amazing glue has decided to ditch horses for volatile chemicals. Good job horses, people would rather fear death from fumes than cut you up AFTER you are dead. Fucking horses can't even become glue correctly. Wow, horses fucking suck. My Prince Charming is a Stud

*non Wii related injury

No Autographs Please

I am kind of starting to worry. I began to think after we actually attracted some attention through the infonet and had our first international fan comment. This could be the start of something huge. Maybe we are going to be like the Beatles... in reverse!!

Our faces will be synonymous with American culture over seas. We'll write catchy tunes and attract millions of adolescent girls that want to rebel against their parents. Guys will grow shaggy hair to protest the stiff European society, thus driving their teachers mad. We could experiment with music and then make family fun films that show off our comedic genious. T-Shirts, lunch pails, underwear? I mean, who wouldn't want Pat on their ass? (Ding) And then... we will play our instruments louder than before... why? Because we are cultural icons.

I have a good feeling about this. I mean, whats the worse that could happen? Some fan shoot us down for loving us too much? Yeah, right. Like that would ever happen.

The Real Victims Are the Children pt. 2

Kid walks in to find his father laying down with swollen foot elevated.

Kid: Hey Dad, why are you laying down, is something wrong with your foot?
Adam: Yeah, I uh, hurt it playing volleyball.
Kid: Oh, who were you playing with?
Adam: I was at the gym and a group of 10-year-olds needed another player to get a whole game going.
Kid: So h0w did you hurt it; did you land on it wrong?
Adam: Um, sort of.
Kid: What do you mean sort of?
Adam: Well, it's not my fault. The kids kept just hitting it right back over the net, and it was making me so frustrated and none of them could spike it right and then the other team went up by like 5 points and I glared at them but it didn't help then finally I stomped my foot on the floor and I must have broken a bone or something.
Kid: Jesus Dad, you need help.
Adam: You know the doctor's told me that I can't bottle up my anger anymore after that heart attack I had in 2011.
Kid: Well, on the bright side I got an A- on my Math exam.
Adam: Great job, minus.
Kid: (disgruntled) What's that supposed to mean?
Adam: Nothing, it's just a joke from this great show that we used to watch.
Kid: You mean that show that only lasted for 3 years but you still watch every night before you go to bed? God you're lame.
Adam: You're lame, now go practice your illusions G.O.B.

The Real Victims Are the Children

Some time in the not too distant future:
Setting: Dark Basement, Large Television.

• Kid walk(s) into room, dressed in shorts and t-shirts(actually probably just one t-shirt).(Edited so it looks like i speak English)
  
• Kid: "Daddy, will you come out and throw the football with me, I'm lonely"
• Pat: "You know very well that ball is too heavy for me. Did you ask your Uncle Chris?"
• Kid: "He doesn't like to play outside anymore, he only likes WiiSports. Please Daddy?"
• Pat: "I told you no. Now go pick up that Wiimote and play as the other team. And don't be so good this time, the last game you beat me set back my Pro Bowl aspirations quite a bit"
• Kid: Whispers, "You're an ass...piration."
• Pat: "What was that, Link?"
• Link: "Nothing, should I stretch first, I don't want to have Wii Elbow Surgery like you did?"
• Pat: "You have one minute, the coin toss is starting, I'm making the flipping motion right now.

Sorry, I saw the picture and the creative juices started flowing and they had to come out...

Well I'm Glad That's over

Well, now that the Super Bowl is over, we're going to have to find some new things to write about. In no particular order here are my suggestions (bulleted, so it's not so listy)

• Each person picks out one stranger a week to make fun of, it's fun, and they'll never know!
• We all take up Samba and describe our experiences.
• I could brief some cases for you, it will help me learn them and expand your legal knowledge!
• You guys could regale me with stories of idiotic things people have said recently around the house. I'm always itching for a way to lower my IQ.
• I could describe to you the smells I was making in the car this morning, but I think I can only describe it by using the made up illness I had, RBS (rotten bowel syndrome).
• We could all take off our pants and...what's that?...oh you mean there's another game?...oh since it was the Patriots I just assumed that was the Super Bowl...my bad...I guess there's another game in 2 weeks. Never mind, we don't have to think that hard about ideas until then.
  

This Is What It's Like When Worlds Collide

Wow. That was a lot of fun. However, I can only imagine the shit storm that will be Illinois and Indiana during the next two weeks. I also noticed that there were a lot of weird things that happened today. My favorite? Dan Marino having to give a very forced congratulations to Peyton Manning and the Colts for winning. I'm sure he is not liking the fact that in future years my kids, (God help me if that happens) will most likely ask me, "Isn't that the guy from Ace Ventura?" when they see him on TV. Of course, Dan would probably be ok with it and just be the cool, calm, collective Dan we all know...



Or not.

Anyways, i thought, in true Barely Breathing fashion, I would list some of what I thought were the weirdest moments of the day.

Bears vs. Saints

• Reggie Bush taunting Brian Urlacher. Ok, so you are a rookie. There might be some things you may not know. Hell, you may not even know that Testeverde still plays. (I didn't till I accidentally spotted him as Brady's backup.) But I would hope you know who Brian Urlacher is. I'm pretty sure he could be a bouncer for Hell. I can only imagine what would happen if these two were to meet in an alley. My fantasy is that it would play out like that time when Rocky chased the chicken to train. Only Rocky would look more like Magnus Vermagnussen, have the man power to fuck Paris Hilton and NOT get an STD, and the chicken would be able to dance. (Nice endzone dance Bush).

• The Bears scoring offensive points. I kept looking at the score thinking, man, that Chicago D must be having a hell of a day to put up those points. But no, it was the gunslinger himself putting up a couple long balls in his true, "Fuck it" fashion. Still though, I probably won't buy Devon Hester a present next year for christmas... because he will probably return it. Ba da Ching!

• Lovie Smith actually made facial expressions. I think, and yes I'm going to repeat myself. I THINK I saw Lovie Smith maybe smile and even attempt to raise his hands after the game to celebrate. However, I still think he managed to answer his, "How do you feel, you are going to the Super Bowl?!" question with, "We are 13-3 and Rex is our quarterback." Anyways, congrats. Here's to two full weeks of hearing about two African American coaches in the Super Bowl.

Colts vs. Patriots

• Shannon Sharpe picked the Colts in pregame coverage. Once again, I may have been fooled, but I think I heard him say, "Imma godda go wida Codes on dis awone." This from the guy who two years ago said, "I would have a better chance hitting a snowball out of Yankee Stadium in Hell with a toothpick than the Colts have of reaching the Super Bowl." Yea, I remember that. And today, even though you picked us, I can finally say, FUCK YOU! Why? Well, my Colts are headed to the Super Bowl and you still talk like a retarded kid who has been eating glue and then trying to lie about it. "I pwahmid dadda diddida eadda gwoo." I'm sorry God, I really am.
  

• The Patriots have a reciever with bigger eyes than Marvin. Oh my god. And then one more time. OH. MY. GOD. Reche Caldwell, do you even have to hold your eyes open when you put in your contacts in the morning? I think the uncovering of this phenomenon is the ultimate find in my life. I now have the power to create the ultimate Trinity of Peripheral Vision...

Well, I would write more, but that picture just made my night. Anyways, regardless of what happens in two weeks, I think it is safe to say that there may be fisticuffs by the end of the Super Bowl and if I know anything about a good fight it's, Always make sure there is someone big to back you up. DAN KLECKO WHERE YOU AT!!!!!

Big Man Love.... You Gotta Love It!

First Contest!

This is for all your barelybreathinganiactics! The first person to reply to this will recieve a nothing paid trip to watch the super bowl with the bitches/bastards from this blog! Just leave a comments and then you will know the address of our business! Leave it!

the s(tupid)uper bowl

Wow! A super bowl that only the midwest cares about! FUCK YOU EVERYONE ELSE! East coast vs West coast? FUCK YOU! Let us now look at the "contest" that will be played out in the new city of sin.

1. Coaches. Both are black. ew...(joking!)

2. QBs. Both aren't clutch until the championship game. ew...

3. Defenses. Both are questioned until the last game. ew...

4. Commercials. Peyton will be in about 100. ew...

5. Clay, Poppe, Chad, and I all drunk together? BLACK OUT! ew...

If you don't think this is funny then you can suck my big, black Chicago Bears Super Bowl bound dick.

Yes, We do Hate the Pats

Mr. Simmons,
While you may be surprised that everyone hates the Patriots, you should not. It is your fault that we all hate them. Besides the fact that you and the rest of the Patriots fans are huge douchebags, it is mostly because of your drivel that we hate them. Only you could write an article that calls us out as being poor fans for hating the Patriots when it is exactly the type of articles that you write that makes us sick of them. Only you could describe a team that has won 3 of the last 5 Super Bowls as underrated and scrappy. Not a damn person outside of the "Massholes" feels even the slightest bit of sympathy for your team that has overcome so much "adversity." While I am not one of the people who believe that the blog writers write better stuff than you do, at least they are honest about their "nepotism" and don't subject me to writing that tries to make me feel like less of a sports fan(a ridiculous accusation if any) by hating a team that has eliminated my team so often in the past. So yes, I enjoy your NBA columns, but you can fellate the Pats on your own time.

My response to your NFC Championship Pick...

BEARS ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

My Completely Useless Preview of Pats-Colts

Things You Are Not Likely to See During the Pats-Colts Game:
1. Courteous Pats Fans. In a survey of message boards and online chats, it was determined that 100% of Pats fans are obnoxious douchebags; with IQs hovering just below the single-cell organism line. Prokaryotes protest being mentioned in same breath...

No, I won't tell you what a prokaryote is...

2. Peyton using the Truck Stop at the goal line to stop Tedy Bruschi's heart after a 76 yard scramble which included many dazzling spins and incredible stiff arms. He's saving it for the Super Bowl...
3. The Colts confusing the Pats by bringing in several homeless men to stand on the sideline and call out plays for New England.
4. Tony Dungy giving up the Precious.

The Tampa Two is mine, my own, my preciousssss...

5. Marvin Harrison missing something out of the corner of his eye. Dude's got peripheral vision to rival The Chad's.
6. Colts fans who didn't drive their homes to the game. I love the Colts, but if you substituted a forest for the RCA dome I'd be scared someone would make me squeal like a pig...
7. Me. Selfish parents using their tickets on themselves. Guess I won't be blueing myself.

Dare you to find another sports article that mentions prokaryotes.

Sex Cannon > You

Rexy gets em' young.

I have been unable to blog this week due to the lingering, painful erection from the Bears playoff victory and I'm sorry to all two of you who actually read the blog. Thankfully, my penis has finally fallen down to its normal 10 inches and I'm now ready to defend my friend, teammate (in Madden), and man crush, Rextacy. The media has been malicious to this American hero and I feel it is up to me, Sexy Patsy, to get behind this man (ding). Colts fans abound have decided to take this week and bash the Cumslinger, but I think the problem may just be they have just yet to be intimate with this lovabull (hey, just like the Chicago Bulls dance team) character. The information from Rexy's life is not only fun but it could save your life and since life is at stake I will now begin part one of "why everyone should love Rex."

1. He is a bonerfide Cumslinger. What is there not to love about a guy who can, at any moment, break up your parents marriage?

Rex giggling after the bad kind of six-way.

2. He turned down IU. This is a fact that any loyal Boilermaker should take to heart immediately after reading. The Sex Cannon's father even played at IU. That is a cock slap to the face of an institution that I would love to slap with my penis. Helicockter anyone?

3. He has a connection to the Colts. His grandfather played for the Colts and prolly would have been their gunslinging qb if the forward pass had been invented. The Grossman family are also personal friends of the Mannings. Imagine the father pride fights going on as to who's son is better. This argument of course can only occur if old Manning is talking about Eli.

Go horses!

4. He spends his money in Indiana. The dude still has a house in Indiana. The guy is the starting QB of a team in a huge city. I know some of you aren't the big Chicago fan that I am but COME ON! The guy could cheat on his wife all the time without her ever finding out. Instead, he decides to live in the bustling state that is Indiana.

5. He is cocky, but fails. Rex has actually tied your QB rating in an NFL game. Feel good? Does it feel as good as that one night when you were sleeping and I rubbed your back until you sleep smiled at me? Not quite for me.

Rexy on the ground laughing at the fact that he actually just threw that.

6. The Peyton Manning Effect. Do other teams get scared when they see they are playing the Colts or the Bears in the playoffs? You have to know that there is a 50% chance in the playoffs that these guys will mess up. Huge. The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you would let a Dr. Manning or Dr. Grossman give your girlfriend an abortion. That is total crunch time. I can't be a father.

7. The articles. Has anyone ever had better articles written about him. No. Stop. Please don't argue this point. Examples-
F-ck it.
Inside me.
Fantasy.

There are many more points why I personally love the kid but I'm afraid to keeping thinking so deeply about another dude. I do understand some people don't enjoy the Sex Cannon, including some Bears fans, but I think you need to open your heart and let in some Rex.

Since I'm 13 and made a comment about my penis size...

Smoothies thus far: 1 (thanks Adam)

The Apocalypse Is Near

Goddammit. Thats how this post is beginning. Because when you start something with a curse word, you know it is serious. Sort of like when Jack says DAMMIT!, only I added a little blasphemous tone by putting god before my dammit. Cursing aside, I just realized something today. This is possibly one of the dumbest post seasons in NFL history. Look at the teams that could possibly be in the Super Bowl, and keep in mind I just said Super Bowl, not playoffs. Quoting the immortal Mora Sr., Playoffs?!? Don't talk about playoffs, we're talking about the superbowl. How on earth are the Saints even in the running? Are you serious? They were the second worse team in the league last year. How the hell do you turn a team around that fast. Sean Peyton for coach of the year??? After this season I wouldn't question you if you said he could turn water into wine. I only hope to God though that they don't make it because if I have to hear about "America's" team and how the Saints have had to struggle through all the tragedy of New Orleans and that shit again, I might kill myself.


Also, on a note of annoying things in the post season, I shall list them in order because we all know how much BAC loves lists.

1. New England/Indianapolis - I am an outright Colts fan, but if I have to hear any more fuckin stories about how many games which team has won where and when and under what circumstances and playoff monkeys, I might kill myself.
2. Bears/Saints - If I could come up with a more boring story line, I would be writing this blog about the WNBA. I just hope something neat happens like Urlacher misses a sideline tackle and takes out a waterboy. That would be worth seeing.
3. Rex Grossman - If I have to hear, "Which Rex Grossman will show up this week?" again, I might kill myself.
4. Peyton Manning - If I have to hear, "Can Manning outsmart the Patriots?" again, I might kill myself.
5. Tom Brady - If I have to see his smug little smile when he talks about how much he respects the Colts when in the back of his head he is thinking, "I could beat the fuck out of these guys and then make dreamboat love to Gisele after this" again, I might kill myself.
6. Drew Brees - If I have to look at his birthmark again, I might kill myself.

Dammit, I'm pissed now. This sucks. I'm not left with many options. Here's hoping that I can make it out of the playoffs.

Dear Diary

If I was stuck in a paper bag because I could not act my way out of it, this is what I would look like right now:
That's right, I'm giving you the disappointed face. Piss-poor performance this week. PISS...POOR.

Larry has some new fishing buddies!

Well, fresh off the first snow of the new year; the Pacers just got a whole lot whiter.
Pacers Get:
Golden State gets:

I hope Kanye West doesn't weigh in on this one. I also hope that Stephen Jackson doesn't hate gay people like he hates cripples. He should also probably research his strip clubs more cuz he probably doesn't want to wander into the Gothic Asshole accidentally. [CORRECTION] The Warriors actually play in Oakland, but I have from a reliable source that everyone in California is gay anyway (Except Jack Bauer, and Kiefer Sutherland, cuz Jack would have killed him if he had deceived Jack like that)

Peyton's not so bad...

I don't understand why everyone seems to hate Peyton Manning. Personally I submit that we Colts fans should have exclusive rights to hating him (at least in short bursts as I do).

Reasons for the average fan to not hate Peyton:

• Peyton's dad was an NFL QB, true. But he also sucked, and we can all relate to being forced to play a sport simply because our dad played it, just so he can have a chance to win vicariously. And while it would be awesome to have a NFL QB dad nowadays, back then it did not mean you were uber-rich, as seen by the home footage of Peyton's tiny yard and house.
• Look at him, he's not going to be doing too many Abercrombie ads. Personally I would much rather hate Tom Brady and his never-ending list of celebrity girls than Peyton. I like to know that if we were ever in the same room at least I could think, "he might be rich and famous, but at least I don't look like that."
• He's never won anything. He's reaching legendary status as a great QB who can't win the big game. Why would the average fan hate a QB that makes them think, "well at least we can count on Peyton crapping himself," everytime their team plays the Colts in a meaningful game? I mean honestly, whose team thinks they have no chance when Peyton and the Colts roll in during playoff time?
• Yes, his ads are on all the time, but he doesn't really control that. And hey, it's not like he's out there portraying himself as anything other than a doofus. Nobody at home goes, "damn that guy's cool," after seeing one of them. And at least we haven't seen his mom yet, either.
• All we really know about his music tastes is that he loves Kenny Chesney and country music. That's a reason to pity him, not hate him.
• Did I mention he loses a lot of important games? Fuck that's annoying. I mean seriously, every year is a goddamn tease.
• He works really hard, I guess you can hate him for having a good work ethic, seems more like jealousy though. I mean, if you've ever see him run, he makes it pretty obvious that raw athleticism isn't the a requirement for becoming a superstar.
• He's always trying to make these "intelligent" plays like when he sees someone being interfered and throws at them knowing they won't catch the ball and then if there's no penalty called we just wasted a play. Fuck, I hate that too.
• I mentioned that he's never won anything right? No national titles, no high school championships, no Super Bowls, (I guess a couple of Pro Bowls, whatever that's worth). I mean why hate a guy who doesn't play for your team who can't win a big one?
• Fuck it, I hate him. No, I don't. Yes, I do. Goddamn it why can't you just sack up and play well in one goddamn playoff game. Now I've got to sit around and hope our defense that made sieves look like vacuum capsules plays so well that we can overcome the fact that you get nervous everytime the "Lighting round" comes up on Family Feud. I mean Fuck, will I ever get to win anything as a fan? (no) Fucking Indianapolis and it's fucking tease teams that always are good enough to make the playoffs but can never just play well enough to win the whole thing. I mean goddamn it if the Bears somehow win a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman, Mister -12 fantasy points himself, I don't know what I will do to myself.
• Fuck off, lists over I don't even remember what it started about.
  

Whither Snorlax?

Hey, where's Poppe been? And didn't Chad want to join as well? Oh well, I added a hit counter so we can get excited when it gets up to 2 cuz we've both been here!

Curtis gone?

Well, after picking up my jaw off of the floor, I can only hope that Jack did not kill Curtis, and that sometime in the future we will start a season with Curtis and Jack playing rec-league basketball together. I'm pretty sure Jack can dunk.

If Curtis is gone then I hope he and President Palmer and Tony get to kill terrorists together in the afterlife...

24 Season Opener Liveblog Extravaganza

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Blogasm

I would probably settle for a well placed lightning bolt...

Well that was exciting! I mean we may not have the Sex Cannon but I have to admit winning against a team that has Ray Lewis on it makes that win just that much sweeter. Besides the fact that he somehow proclaimed himself god's linebacker (even though we know He prefers Butkus because Ditka recommended him), would anyone outside of Baltimore do anything other than gasp like they had just seen a swordfight in person if Ray Lewis was hit by a bus while doing his ridiculous body seizure/dance before the game? The game obviously went counter to all public opinion (like last week) but it is nice to win a game with a low score without having to come from behind. While I admit that I did a fair amount of swearing at Peyton, I do not think that we would have been better off with many other QB's in the game (Excepting Favre cuz I don't want Chad and Chris to freak out).
On a side note, while many diss Peyton for being a choker and gay, not many guys are secure enough in their manhood to pose for this picture:
Also, I don't want to jinx us, but the way the goalpost has been working for us recently is making my pants tingle. And having the defense suddenly bring the sword out after just waving its red cape all year is also making me a little toight(sp?) in the groinal region.

Why no Love?

It's hard for me to understand why more people are not into hockey. To me the only appeal it is lacking is that I personally suck at skating and have never played actual ice hockey. Compared to the other big sports of baseball, basketball, and football, hockey seems to come off favorably.

I think this picture sums up baseball for me. Hammock Up!

Watchability (TV)

• Baseball: Boring. Most easily compared to golf in my mind. Players barely move; usually only 2 guys even have to run on a play. BTW, for good times argue with Colbert why baseball athletes are the worst of any sport.
  
• Basketball: Can be exciting. Players don't try that hard in the first half; if games are close nothing really matters until the end.
• Football: Great, better on mute. IQ for announcers hovering somewhere below the retard line.
• Hockey: Great, announcers rarely verbally fellate players. Always people moving and violently colliding. High pitch of announcers voice tells you when something good happens in case you are paying attention somewhere else. EASILY AVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET (Good for lonely souls like me).

Gayness

• Baseball: Super gay. Biggest story lines concerning what is injected into each other's asses.
• Basketball: As long as Isiah is involved, Pretty gay.
• Football: 22 dudes in tights wrestling and tackling each other...but the Sex Cannon is all about the ladies.
• Hockey: Any sport that awards only a 5-minute penalty for a fist fight is not gay. Skating is gay only if you are not hitting each other with graphite sticks.

Video Games

• Baseball: Haven't really played one since RBI baseball 97, but I'm assuming they aren't any more fun than real baseball.
• Basketball: Well since I made a team comprising of us and played an entire season (albeit quite often intoxicated) I will rule Fun.
• Football: Also fun, but games take forever.
• Hockey: Fun. I believe we played more nhl 2002 than any other game freshman year (that is saying ALOT). I once updated the rosters from NHL 2002 (made in 2001) to represent the 2004 regular season.

"Hey, I know your tired from jogging that tilted square but after the game you want to see how much "steroids" I can inject in your ass?"

Real Life

• Baseball: Still gay. Only sport where they make you play with bigger balls once you're old
• Basketball: Fun; competitive even in your older years. Inspired generations of old men clinging to glory by putting in 300% effort while wearing industrial strength knee braces.
• Football: Never played with pads; still get adrenaline rush when tackling someone. Fun to see which people are scared of being tackled.
• Hockey: Only played roller hockey; fun but always the danger of falling over and skinning knee. Also rectal cancer.

...Willie Beamon...I keep the ladies...creamin'

Former Athletes

• Baseball: Everyone was forced to play it; everyone knows it's boring. Only people who found it was their best sport still support it as "America's Past-time."
• Basketball: Usually tall and goofy. Everyone in Indiana played at some time so it's hard to differentiate. One of only a few sports that inspires people who truly suck to still play.
• Football: Legendary for their cockiness. Only deserved if you were "All-State."
• Hockey: Don't know too many. Usually you get the feeling that they've already decided they could beat your ass in a fight.

So what if he's big, I bet he can't even do a double axle...pussy.

Well I got bored with this; but anyway, it's clear that hockey should at least be more popular than baseball (easily the gayest (not in the homosexual way) sport). I wish this was funnier, but hey, at least I have a penis.
By the way, if you have an interest in hockey, but are troubled because you don't know much about it, I would suggest playing fantasy hockey. You draft players based on how cute you think they are, and then when they score you get points! At least that's what my buddies told me.

I got this guy in the 5th round...now if I only knew how to crop that slut out so I could see his whole chest...

MLS is bringing sexy back

That's right David, zig heil! The big question on everyone's mind regarding the British invasion is obviously whether or not I'm excited about it. Well kids you can just take a quick look at my pants to answer that little doozy. I am mucho excitedo for Victoria and David's arrival in LA and the oodles of celebrity news that will follow. Will the two love birds befriend wwtdd or perez first? Who knows?!? I know it isn't me. Also, I'm even more excited to find out that MLS made this signing possible by spending a huge percentage of their marketing budget. I'm just going to imagine they spent 130% of the budget due to the simple google search being too much for my drunk mind to handle at the moment. This pretty much proves the fact that marketing majors should just kill themselves.

Spell check came up with zero errors for me but since it doesn't fix my ability to make zero sense...

Smoothies thus far = 0

Have you found Jesus?

I put them where exactly?

That is Mr. Bucket. You put your balls in his mouth.

NFL Countdown

I was thinking about how much fun the countdown to new years is and how much we really don't have enough of countdowns to fill my insatiable appetite when I decided to come up with a countdown of my own. My completely orignal idea of the name NFL Countdown combined with my thoughts regarding what time the Giants would fire Tom Coughlin today to animorph into a fun little countdown to his firing. I really want to see him be bitter and say something about how gay Shockey is so I really feel as if I will pay close attention to any kind of news regarding his dismissal. The truly tough part of this kind of countdown is that I have no idea how soon he will actually be fired after losing to a McNabbless Eagles so I've decided to just guestimate in days. Ready? Wait, I'm not actually ready. Ok, lets get to count downing.

0
1




So we can all see that my guess, as well as Donald's, on his firing would be in one day. If anyone believes my guess to be false they can feel free to leave something special for me in the comments section or just shove the comment directly up their ass.

Being so lazy that I could only find the crappiest, grainiest picture of the Trump ever results in...

Smoothies thus far- 0