Today we have gotten more hits than we have gotten the entire time we've had the website. Every one who came has been someone trying to find naked pictures of Pam. We do not have naked pictures of Pam. We have naked pictures of Pat, only one letter off. On the plus side, this means that literally hundreds of people today have been tricked into seeing the hairy guy while they were trying to look up naked pictures...so that's awesome!
So Adam and I have been discussing this picture via facebook today and we are now moving to the blog so that all can enjoy. Here is the conversation thus far:
 | BAC wrote at 11:21am Can you believe that some people think being in a fraternity is "gay?" |
 | the sharpe wrote at 11:38am I would probably go gay for me. Look at that hot clavical action! |
| BAC wrote at 11:42am You must do squats like every day to get dumps like those. |
| BAC wrote at 11:44am You're like a bear without fur or muscles or claws... ok I guess you're not like a bear. But you do seem to be letting out a mighty yawn/roar. |
| the sharpe wrote at 12:39pm My mouth being open that much couldhave been saved if I would have gone into a three minute long projectile vomit. |
| BAC wrote at 12:42pm At least you could have tried to catch some of it with your plastic cup? |
| the sharpe wrote at 1:55pm Why would I want to drink vomit? Am I confused on the purpose of cups? |
| BAC wrote at 2:00pm You have to stay hydrated, that's how you fight a hangover. You can't let the toilet steal all of your fluids. Haven't you ever seen Waterworld? We could have done this alot easier if you had just posted this picture on the blog. Then our 6's of readers would be able to delight in our banter. |
| the sharpe wrote at 2:28pm Yeah, let's just start to chat on the blog... I'll move everything over. |
| | BAC wrote at 6:22pm Now People will never be able to escape your junk by jumping from facebook to here. Mwahahaha. Unlike Ron Burgundy, you look a tad depressed about coming to the same pool party for the third straight year. |
I have posted here a link that will take you to an interview with Will Arnett, Will Ferrell and Jon Heder in which discuss the new movie Blades of Glory. Just so you know Erin, I'm pretty sure we should copy Will Arnett's tattoo idea. You can see it by clicking anywhere on this underlined blue paragraph. Or you can click on the word here, not here, but the last one over there, ->here.
I should probably post another picture so that you guys will not skip over this post:
Because I don't do enough reading as it is, I was reading a transcript of an interview with Jenna Fischer when this question and answer came up:
What was your favorite thing about working on Blades of Glory?
Working on the film was great. Those guys are really funny. I'm a huge Arrested Development fan, so I had to work really hard not to freak out on Will Arnett for as long as possible and then I broke down and told him how my favorite episode was 'Afternoon Delight' from season two when he's wearing the expensive suit and keeps telling people how much it cost. I did that to him around week two.
[Re-Update?] Reset the Poll. If you want to fix the vote you can comeback everyday and vote once. That is all.
[Update] By the by, for those of you who don't mind seeing some of the episode beforehand, there's some pretty hilarious clips from the next episode of the office here. [Tri-Update] I guess they took the best of the videos down...so I won't spoil what happened for you...but you definitely do not want to be wearing underwear when you watch the office next thursday.
I've got a lot to do this week, so I probably won't post too much myself. If you want to imagine what I would have written, you could probably just go watch Arrested Development, and it will be pretty close, only better and with moving pictures.
As I'm sitting here in the computer lab doing everything I can to not write my paper, I realized something I'm really good at. Procrastination. Someone once said, and I believe it was Mark Twain, "Procrastination is like masturbation... in the end you are only fucking yourself." Ummm, that seems like it is supposed to have negative connotations, but for some reason I only think thats even more of a reason to procrastinate. Because, I believe it was another scholar, a Mr. Maggart that once said, "I'd rather jerk off and fall asleep then have sex and cuddle." Well put Mr. Maggart, well put. Anyways, below, I compiled a list of how you can actively procrastinate.
Sweet
Sport brings us many great this. Sox, Bulls, and Bears are a few great examples and now the Sox have done it again. When Ozzie isn't busy winning championships he is actively engaged in some of the best quotes in sport's history. Example:
Those ceremonies -- 'Oh, let's bring back those guys from 2005,' we're all crippled and fucked
up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because his dad was on the ballclub -- fuck that,'' Guillen said. ''I don't need that bull. A bunch of fat guys, another one is broke. 'Hey, where's your ring?' 'Oh, I don't know, I sold that son of a bitch two years ago.
This is what happens when you ask Ozzie about a possible 20 year reunion for the 2005 series winners. Ozzie takes a lot of heat for being a homophobe with a foul mouth but lets be serious for a second. Who do I know that isn't a homophobe with a foul mouth? The media is also in trouble with the Patrick Police because they should know that Guillen has a free card when it comes to saying anything racist or sexist because he is a minority. This means that he can say anything he wants about other minorities. It has been voted on at a national level and all now all accept this idea as law. Guillen just needs to keep to making comments when we are winning as opposed to last year when we were in a playoff race and he is talking rather than managing.
Sour
What the fuck are gorgeous women doing marrying Eli Manning and Jeff Garcia? These two should be getting hitched to each other...anally.* Not only do I dislike both of them on both a personal and professional level but Jeff was actually rumoured to be going to the Bears. Forcing me to cheer for him who be on par with losing the super bowl. I'm actually even going to add pictures so that no one can doubt the hottness. (two ts)
Wow, that sounded a ton less gay in my head. I'm talking gay as in take it in the pooper rather than happy. When do you think the last time someone say gay and another person actually took it as happy was? Do you think they were under 90? Do you think they experienced the great depression? Do you think they were around when 69 was just a number?
Anywho I just saw wwtdd use the word "boss" and now I'm on a personal mission to make this word come back. It is from the 80s, probably, and I think we all know that everything from the 80s are worth bringin' back.
Also, I'm a total fag for typing bringin'. Thanks.
PS I just typed this and I refuse to edit it at all. Not even a spell check. PEACE
I haven't posted a video in a while and since the office isn't supposed to be new for another two weeks, here's a few things that happened a while ago we might all have missed.
This is a video of the cast and crew of the office reading an article written by Jenna Fischer for Esquire magazine. Horses huh, who knew?
I thought that maybe a few people would enjoy this picture from the summer as well, there's more but they are too graphic to post...so you can see them if you click here.
Hey, guy in urinal one space from me. I know it's just me and you in the bathroom, but do you still have to fart and moan while you are peeing. I know it feels good...but Come on!
And hey, I know that flushing and washing your hands could be taking up valuable time that you may not have on your way to eating mashed potatoes bare handed, but when there's other people in the bathroom, can you at least humor us into thinking we won't be getting your urine on our hands when we have to touch the door on the way out. When it's just you in there...have at it, pee on the floor, pee on your hands, rip wet farts that dribble down your leg, whatever. Come On!
by the way...props to me on the title pun
Thank god we finally got that picture off the front page.
Remember the skit about most one sided fist fights:
(warning - - this is terrible)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvi4L21-kHo
I like religious philosophy, sorry Adam. I find that I can manipulate it into me being a good (decent) person and this makes me extremely aroused and pleased with myself (difference?). I also get to hear incredible comments from the religites which have the chance to absolutely slay me at least once a class. Normally I just chuckle and go back to ranking the girls in class in order of how much I want to give them a religious experience but today I almost died via comment (not to rise again).
We were discussing (bashing) the scientific revolution and how it doesn't exactly "fit" with the medieval church when Newton came up. I thought gravity was just one of those things everyone accepted, kinda like how everyone knows I've got the fast fingers this side of the Mississippi (yes I did the spelling song in my head-eat me). Not true on idea one. The teacher asked the class if we thought a pencil would hit the ground if she dropped it. Everyone nods which she takes as disagrement so she went ahead and dropped the pencil. To my utter shock the poor thing hits the ground and she says that it was obviously gravity which forced the pencil to hit the ground. Boom. A hand goes up followed quickly by my interest in the conversation. A young religite is called upon and drops this jew, "it ACTUALLY hit because God allowed it to hit" (spelled with a capital G because this is the one I believe in).
I'm stunned. I wait for him to laugh with him showing me nothing. I force my head to scan the room only to see that half of the class is sharing my oral love ready open mouth. I let out a 5/10 chuckle but stop when I realize he had a Purdue Engineering shirt on.* This scares me. I want my engineers to believe in gravity. This idea seems to be important when they are building bridges, designing roller coasters, or train conducting (aka the only three cool jobs they can get). We later joke about elves in trees actually being the cause of wind and some strange joke about 4 year-old children working and getting their arms ripped off but I'd already logged off for the day. I can only hope God allows this to post.
*it was one of those retarded "Top 10 Reasons I'm an Engineer" shirts which always start with 1.) I refuse to have friends/fun and end with me having already lost focus
I hate teachers that don't keep up to date with current events. I am taking a strategic mgmt class. I wouldnt be if it wasnt required. Basically they talk about the benefits of marketing strategies in foriegn countries, mergers/acquisitions, Porters 5 forces model...etc. This is stuff that corporations do on enormous scales. This is not something you can have a class about. Maybe if you were teaching Jack Welsh, the ex-CEO of GE, but we are about to be entry level employees. Do they seriously think we are going to have the ability to make these kinds of decisions anytime soon, if at all in our lives? I doubt that anyone I know will be able to walk into thier job and say, "I think we should merge with our overseas competitor and this is why" and not have thier boss say, "who are you again?" It just pisses me off that the class is meant to teach you "strategy in management." The idea is fucking ludacris to begin with considering in any company there is going to be a unique stratagy for that industry, size, time....whatever. There is never going to be one answer, there is going to be hundreds. Stop trying to teach me common fucking sense in decision making.
Okay, now back to the out of touch teachers. This class I'm ranting about is also taught be a 45ish year old women that probably has not picked up a newspaper in months. She trys to mention impressive facts about companies but her information is so out of date. The other day she said that Land Rover, Aston Martin, and Jaguar are great assets to Ford because of their diversification potential. Ford is trying to sell all three, (actually they just did sell aston martin), because of quality issues and lack of cash flow. When I told her this, which is not new news, she looked puzzled and said i was wrong. This is one of many examples of her stupidity/lack of relevant knowledge.
Just so there isnt any biased suspected, I am getting a pretty good grade in this class. I just really dont see why I have to waste my time.
I hate when I check a blog and they haven't posted anything for the day... so here it is bitches (Gun Cocks) (bullets fire)...that was about all I had. Maybe I'll update it later...maybe.
By the way, I was in the locker room the other day and an old man was using the urinal "Four-year old boy" style. You know, drop your pants to the floor, ass out. It was awesome. Almost better than when I walked in and the nude old man was weighing himself...almost. Remind me to use more lotion...on my skin, so it doesn't get so saggy. Get your mind out of the gutter.
There are so many stories I can tell about Panama. People hooking up with high schoolers or me getting drunk and peeing on a girl but I think this picture of Beno just does the trip justice.
I spell hot, H-A-I-R-Y. Please, no masturbating. Please.
In an attempt to butch it up a bit this week, I am going to go over my thoughts about the NBA real quick:
This year has sucked...alot. I guess if you were a fan of a the Suns or the Mavs, this year would be pretty sweet. Or if you were a Pistons fan(although you and Satan and Coconut Monkey are probably too busy betting souls during Strip Yahtzee to notice). But for pretty much everyone else it has kinda blown. I mean, you Bulls fans can pretend to be excited...but it's pretty hard to win a Championship without Michael Jordan or a post scorer.
And then there's my team, the Pacers.
I've known from the beginning of the year that the Pacers were not going to be anything special. Sans Larry Bird showing up light(weight not skin tone) and rarin' to go, we were not going to wow anyone. Another season of placid mediocrity interspersed with brawls and suspensions was all I really had to look forward to. Of course then we had the Stephen Jackson - Three Finger showdown, followed by the infamous saloon incident. Squished in between was the attempt at a whitewash. OK, now everything is underlined and I don't know how to get rid of it...deal with it, I'm running out of time as it is. The main point is I learned shortly that the draft class was supposed to be pretty sweet this year, so secretly I hoped for us to suck...monkey balls. Of course we promptly managed to swindle our way to five games above .500, meaning we were miles ahead in the playoff race for the 6th seed. Of course all mediocre things must come to an end, so we then turned on the brakes and are presently on our way to the Lottery after losing 11 of 12 right? WRONG on two fronts. Not only are we tied for the last spot in the East, positioning ourselves for our yearly "Ass Pistoning", but we traded our first rounder(top 10 protected) for AL HARRINGTON, who managed to make it 30 games before everyone remembered we traded him because he is a black hole(in layman's terms "ball goes in....never comes back"). So now we have to suck even harder just to get to keep the pick, which will no doubt result in us not making the playoffs, but getting the 11th pick, which will be quickly shuffled off so that we can be stuck with an even shittier team next year. DAMNIT. Good luck reading that with all the underlines.
That Enzyte Guy really bothers me. Are we supposed to believe that he took these pills and his penis grew? Or is he just finally able to get an erection? They always show his wife like she's the happiest person alive, but if she had been dealing with a limp dude and his depression I can see how she'd be happy now that he could finally bring his 45 seconds of thunder. I mean, if these pills really made your penis bigger, wouldn't the doctor give you them during your checkup? It'd be negligence not to right? If they really make your junk fuller, why do they offer a sample pack? Do you have to use it like constantly? Will it shrink if you only take the sample pack and then stop? Will your junk get just a little bigger? How does the pill know when to stop making it bigger? Does it make you permanently smile? Does that guy have suggestive phallic symbols all over his home to remind people that he MAY be huge now? He should have his own show that gets canceled after one week so we can learn these things. Anyway, that commercial has been on like 5 times during hockey(or twice, but let me have my hyperbole) and it's been bugging me. So if anybody's taking it, you can just answer the questions in the comments. I'm sure one or two of the foreigners or people who come here thinking we have porn might know.
I couldn't really think of too much exciting things to talk about today. Just finished a class talking about segregation in which we had a 5 minute discussion relating segregated schools and gender-specific bathrooms, culminating in the professor saying, "I think you are overstating people's dislike for defecating in front of the other gender." Or something to that effect. All I could think of then was the various levels of Carl...or whatever you call it. I think Pat explained something involving a glass table, but I could have been drunk. In sum, it probably was an overstatement, because some people DO like to defecate in front of the other gender.
On a different note, I was thinking during this same class about my irrational hate of one student. We share a first name, and that is all I know about him personally. But I don't like him. I don't know why, for some reason whenever he talks immediately my mind jumps to, "what's this asshole saying now?" I guess it could be related to my natural dislike for people who share my name. You know how you feel entitled to that name, and then someone similarly monikered comes by and now you have to call him by your name(awkward) and then you get the mistaken identity head swivel when someone says his name. Really annoying. If you both refuse to be called by something different...then you just have to kill that person or make up a degrading nickname for him so he won't come by you anymore. Anyway, that's probably enough stream of consciousness for today, I gotta go back to figuring out proper federal jurisdiction.
Oh, and next time you're too tired/lazy to have sex, maybe you can move for a forum non conveniens with your girl/guy...you never know, it might work.
For those of you not hip on latin...it means inconvenient forum...i know, go figure.
Patrick Sharp
#10 Right wing for the Chicago Blackhawks
6-1 197lbs
Scores this season: 15
Most Memorable Moment: Being selected in the second round by the Tampa Bay lightning.
Patrick SharpStealing a gimmick from the Sports Guy, I'm going to recap some of Spring Break events using quotes from a movie none of you have seen (but should if you enjoy GOB) "Let's Go to Prison."
I won't go to in depth because you can no doubt get a much better account in person from Poppe, Chad or Colbert.
"We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk. " - I'll relate this one to one of the pratfalls of an extended trip with guys, the horny guys stuck in one room who haven't "relaxed" in a while.
"It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you. " - This one has nothing to do with masturbation...promise. I guess this could relate most closely to our complete lack of winnings. Although I did pull in a clean $8.00 from the slots.
"We're doin' it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?" - On Thursday, from 5:30 a.m. to 8:00p.m. Chad was awake for what I believe is 3 hours...on Spring Break, in Vegas. Although his surprise that he was no longer hungover at EIGHT PM! was pretty sweet.
"I'll buy this place and burn this place to the ground." - Only Colbert can do this because he's independently wealthy.
Ok, so that was all I could find, and I don't have the movie with me presently, so you'll have to settle for other GOB lines now.
"It's better than being treated like the goofball... the joker... the magician" - A group of young college aged kids do not get a whole lot of respect in Vegas. Colbert was not happy about waiting 2 hours for more towels. I was not happy about being made fun of by Stahl's cousin, "Crystal". Plus I got carded by everyone, including a vicious staredown by a cocktail waitress who remembered me from the night before only after I ordered a rum and diet coke, which I can only imagine means she wrote "pussy" next to my order.
"Well, we did have sex...and I'm not a great liar." - Figure that one out yourself.
"Attention, everyone! Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee! Don’t worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas." - This one goes out to the gentlemen's club we visited. I'm pretty sure "gulch" should never be used in the title...of anything, although somehow it captured the atmosphere pretty well. Props to Diesel for not reflexively hitting the stripper who licked his hand.
"(about the hot cops) These guys are pros, Michael. They're gonna push the tension 'til the last possible moment before they strip." - This one is for the advertisement for "The Thunder Down Under", to which Colbert unfailingly pointed out his favorite each time we passed.
"Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons, the lawyer... If you're heading for Portugal it's due south." - This one goes out to Daniel on Family Feud, the comedic highlight of someday (It's actually very hard to distinguish the days, i guess that's what happens when you get 12 hours of drunk sleep spread out over 4 nights), whose response to "name a word that comes after 'dirty'" responded "um.......um.....like....[3 seconds]....um.....BIKE!"
OK, that's all I've got for now, I've gotta read and do law stuffs. Plus I got tired of searching for quotes...no I didn't, I could do that all day. Anyway, tienen un buen dia! Don't forget to vote in our new unfunny poll!
I guess I'll start slow by providing some insightful experiences, and then moving own to my creative posts. To begin, I don't think the Leveraged Sellout's SB experience even rivals the personal hell I just got over. Lets recap.
Days 1-3:
I am at school...alone...in my apartment. Let me emphasis...Alone...not all the porn in the world could keep me entertained I listened to my Red Hot Chili Peppers DVDs at close to full volume. I did go out to the lifeless bars only to play pool with some townies who deem it necessary to bring their own cues, and had my drinks bought by a very wasted Purdue basketball player who happened to be the Subway Sub of the game, only to air ball his only shot. I also did the quarter bottle thing with a former fraternity brother, the grundle, who got so wasted so quickly I was left to finish two cases with an Asian chick who I would find later was married. I also took it upon myself to work on my fitness. The only people in the gym on SB are Asian or Indian. Why do these people take it upon themselves to make strangest noises when working out, I could barely concentrate as I admired my rock hard abs in all the open mirror space. I also noticed on multiple occasions that other people in the gym are using the equipment COMPLETELY WRONG. I have never done lat pull downs by putting on no weight on and pulling down at a rate of 10 reps a second while doing pregnancy breathing exercises.
Day 4:
Okay, enough is enough. So I drive to my sister’s place in Valpo. The only hi-light being my desperate attempt to get wasted at the local pub with another fraternity bro, who father is a rather important political figure in the region. Here I failed to follow the wise advise of B.J. Novak and ordered a $17 beer. That's right, not 9, 17 f*cking dollars. Granted it was a unique taste, it was not worth it; so I promptly order 2 $2 long islands and downed them to compensate for my lack of judgment.
Day 5:
I have given up, and am driving home. I go with a friend to the local bar the first night. I can count using my dick and testicles the number of people in the bar. I don't remember much else from this night because I got wasted. So wasted in fact that once I got home I began to use the pinball technique to guide myself to my room. *NOTE* this is not an effective maneuver and should not be attempted in full darkness. I should mention at this point that my room is located right next to an open stairwell that leads directly to my basement. So as I go to "bounce" of the nonexistent wall right before entering my room I realize for a spit second of my mistake and brace for impact. Nothing that transpired in the next few seconds in is anyway graceful...in fact I remember that my feet were at one point above my head. As I begin to settle in for sleep at the bottom of my stairs realizing that I had left one of my shoes and my dignity at the top of the stairs I am awoken by another noise. The bad part about drinking at home is that you have to deal with the "roommates" or parents. I don't remember exactly what my mother’s words were, only that the volume was too high considering it was 3 in the morning. If had to summarize...her point was along the lines of how could I have consumed enough alcohol to fall down the f*ckin stairs. Of course I am caught off guard, but react quickly by assuming this would make a great time to have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. After she puts me to bed on the basement couch, apparently she did not think I was fit to go up the stairs, I promptly pass out.
Day 6
Injuries were kept to a few rug burns and hurt pride. My "roommate" explains that she has taken the day off work and that we are going out for coffee. This is not good. I won't give details, except that I am a proud owner a brochure on Counseling & psychological services offered by my school. There are worse things than having a mother that thinks you’re an alcoholic, but I couldn't think of any at the time. To prove her wrong I promptly accept an invitation to kill a case of Old English 800 40oz from a friend. At one point we were are playing to world famous game of "Who can finish a 40oz faster." I of course won this, as there is not substitute for experience. At this point the bars sound like a great idea. Again, the number of people at this bar would only fill the dance floor at Brothers. This does not stop me from getting shit faced and making out with a chick I used to teach tennis to for 15 min. in the front of the bar. Kudos for her, since I am in the middle of growing out a beard. I decide going home at this point is not the best Idea so I sleep at my brohan's place.
Day 7 (St. Patrick’s Day)
Never come home hung-over and unshowered when your family is having friends over for lunch, it does look great on your character. I made up for this by showing and coming out only in a towel to make the introductions and conversations. I proceed to sleep for the ENTIRE day. This is not an exaggeration, I got up when my friend called to say he was going to the liquor store...right on time I thought. I get a sixer (taking it easy) of some Irish Brew and kill it while watching the IU game. The sad part about that game is not that IU only had 15 points at the half; it was that they were still in the game. Nice loss guys. The bar is next, hoping that the holiday will bring more people. The place is packed, and I am dressed rather festively for the holiday. I first finish some beer that I brought with me, and then proceed to do the double vodka tonic route. There is a live reggae band playing...b/c nothing says St. Patty's day like reggae...right? I proceed to have one of the craziest night in my life...how do I know? Because I was on the dace floor for a good portion of the night, and the New Jersey fist pump was my go to move, Thanks Dan. I ask around 4 separate ladies to marry me, to which they all said yes, so it was safe to say that everyone was in a similar state of mind. Although the night was unfruitful in terms of the ladies, I did have a good time telling everyone I saw from high school that I had just accepted that Derivatives Trading position with Goldman Sachs, which I would follow up by asking how the Verizon Kiosk job at the mall was going. Their reactions were priceless.
Day 8
I slept late and took my time packing. This was a time of reflection and wondering what I was going to tell people in classes when they all ask the same cliché question: How was your spring break? I think I'll tell them I was in a strange coma in the hospital, only to wake up in time for school to start. I think I smoked an entire back of cigarettes on the way back to school.
3. There is a hidden reason behind the "hot" bar scene in any big city - Paying a $20 cover to drink weak ass $7 vodka tonics at Ontourage, Reserve, or Soundbar in Chicago to be with the "hot crowd" is never worth your time or money. Why are there women dressed in practically no clothes, not drinking, dancing on tables and flirting with the bottle service crowd? They are paid to. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. These women are paid by promotors to get you hard and guilty for not throwing down mad cash to pick up the girls that will never go back to your place because thier old high school BF is still going to pick them up when they get off work. And if they are dancing on tables and will go home with you that night...well, im sorry you made that mistake. Don't tell Sojo though, it would ruin his night.
The fun part is, you are supposed to insult the black women working. No matter what you say, they will come back with the most racist derogative thing you have ever heard. Sojo argued that he didn't get his two hot dogs and the woman said she would give it to him for a manicure and free dry cleaning. She also called him, "A Chink-fried rice mother fucker." Anyways, if you ask for a chocolate shake the 220lb back women taking your order will lift up her shirt and jump up and down in your face. I don't recomend it.
Here's my approximation of an appropriate food pyramid for a person living on their own such as myself. Those of you going off on your own soon would be wise to mimic this, although you will have to be able to ignore the Checkout lady when she looks askance at you when you buy 15 pounds of meat at one time.
A few notes
I was a cute kid
In that time I have come across an epiphany in my life. I know how to be successful, funny, loved by all my neighbors (except the nerdy one that no one likes... but you know that I hold a soft spot for him somewhere) and most important, how to have a HOT wife. The solution to it all? GET FAT*.
While most people will be in the gym, sweating for hours on the treadmills, lifting weights, doing the ABC workout (Abs, Biceps, Chest), I will be at home with my three buddies who look like me, (except for the black guy that is mandatory for PC reasons) drinking ambiguously labeled beers while watching the game eating the caviar of America... NACHOS... mmmmm... nachos...ahh
Our little show's hero is not the fittest fellas, but look at his wife? Does no one see the dispropotionality here? I mean, I'm not saying shes like Gisele hot, but still, he's fat, drives a UPS truck or something, and comes home to this? Plus, she's rich, she's like an agent or something. 
Example number 2. That show with the guy who is supposed to be British because he was in that movie where all the dudes stripped for some reason that I still don't understand but I think it was to make money or something... ok, i'm lost. Oh yea, well anyways, that dude and some lady. But still, the hypothesis is proven once again. I mean, the dude is stupid. He does nothing except make fun of his son, which is a plus, and make horrible jokes with his wife about their kids... yet therein lies the positive. Once again his wife is fairly hot. And yes, to justify once again, this is not model hot, but way too hot for him.
And for my final exhibit... PETER GRIFFIN. The dude is fat. Check. He is politically incorrect. Check. He makes fun of his children. Check. He has a black friend. Check. And yes, his wife is hot. I know, I know, let's justify this once again, shes not exactly Ariel hot, and definitely not Jessica Rabbit hot, but let's just say if Lois Griffin wanted to be my Mrs. Robinson... I might let her know.
Now looking back on all of this, I see no flaw in my logic and if there is... I'm going to ignore it. So if you don't hear from me in awhile, it's because I'm working out being fat. Prost!!
Well, since I'm bored and looking at stuff on the internet, I thought I would compile some useful information for you since you may be more busy than I am.
Since I am unnaturally attached to it, I am going to help you find out what the cast members are doing now.
Buster - You can find Buster starring in the new television show with Andy Richtor, Andy Barker, P.I.
GOB: I could not be more happy that his talents are being maximized. He will be in the upcoming movies;
1. Semi-Pro: Movie with Will Ferrell about ABA players. Great upside.
2. Blades of Glory: Couldn't be more excited about this movie. Will Ferrell, GOB, GOB's wife, Pam, and Napoleon Dynamite, set in the figure skating world. Movie Boner!
3. A couple of movies with current SNL actors. Not too jazzed about those, except maybe for the one where they are hot tub salesmen in Japan. That one is of course entitled, "Get 'Em Wet."
4. Let's Go to Prison: I will review this movie soon.
Michael: Some supporting roles in some movies...nothing too exciting unfortunately.
George-Micheal(not the singer-songwriter): Nothing noteworthy, I imagine puberty will be just as fun for him as it was for us. He apparently played a character named "Scrotch" which I can only imagine is the phylum short hand for your sac. (Human->Pelvis->Crotch->Scrotum)
Lindsay: She's Ellen's trophy lesbian...good score for Ellen though.
Lucille and George, Sr.: They're old...probably just trying not to die.
Tobias: Some movie that had made $5,000 so far...that's about it...maybe some television appearances, but it would be alot of work to check TWO websites.
Well I've finally lost what little respect I never had for Peyton Manning and can now faithfully say that I respect Grossman more as a QB and a man. I now present Exhibit A-
When you are a Sex Cannon you do not let a soul crushing Super Bowl loss keep you down. You either black out to where you don't remember what happened during the game (wonder what that is like...) or you go and cheat on your wife with a bunch of willing playmates. Do you know why the reason the Bears lost the Super Bowl is smiling? He is about to have the GOOD kind of four way (much harder to pull of than even the BAD kind of three way*). These ladies are going to experience the one and only time Rex actually throws something to the right person. This rare occurrence happens when he is throwing eleven ropers at the faces of playboy models**. Rex is hooking up with women so hot that I would literally shower in their collective rinse water from the dentist office. He went from the biggest loser in Chicago (minus Sojo) to crushing nearly all of us at life (I still have my Contra 3 skills to fall back on).
Exhibit 2 (or B)-
In the words of anyone who has ever smelled me on a Saturday morning, "what the fuck?" Peyton Manning was a total and utter nerd before winning the Super Bowl. No one in their right mind would argue this. Ever. Even Chad knows for a fact that he was more hip than Peyton pre-Super Bowl. Then, he gets the ultimate chance to be a cool guy, a Super Bowl win/Super Bowl MVP! He, for a time, was actually the single most noteworthy man in the world (before you say some random scientist or leader let me say shut up because I no doubt do not care about them). How do you mess this up? You make a guest appearance at a 16 year old's birthday*** for $200,000 which you aren't going to use to "make it rain." Peyton really needs 200 grand? Seriously? Did you pull a Kobe and cheat (Kobe actually raped someone [I also hate Kobe]) on your wife? Let's wait a sec for Chad to get back from punching another hole in the wall (inside joke that I refuse to explain). Ready? OK! Want to know something better you can do? I can think of three (see above). You have the one up on everyone in the world yet you decide to spend time with small children. These kids aren't even retarded charity cases. I would write it off as a decent sympathy bang move if you were championing the cure for the common cold or for being a Cubs fan past age 8. You instead have decided to help spread cream on a rich kid's cake while Rex is spraying down playmates with Rextasy cream. Seriously Peyton, I know no one can understand a damn word you say but COME ON! You could have sex with any of the 3 attractive women in Indy. Hell, even St. Louis' 7 attractive women would let you wiggle on top of them for the two minutes you pretend to enjoy sex with a woman for shutting up all the Bears fans. Shit! I hate you so much right now that only a video game post will cheer me up...
*not that I would ever know...
**is it even modeling if you are mostly naked? I don't call showing people the helicockter modeling. I just call it worthwhile for whoever is in eye sight.
***I know for a fact this isn't a Diwali festival because no one is in costume.
PS I put porn in the label so that more people would find the site in a search.
Just so you guys don't think I'm resting on my laurels today, Here's a video I found during my internet travels one day.
How To Shower - Men & Women - More free videos are here
This is pretty close to how I shower, except I only shave my legs every other day...zing!
Alright, you can see that we have some new additions to this magical piece of literature. Let me start by laying a few ground rules.
Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-blog $*#ing, or #$@ing, or finger-#%*#ing, or #*%ing, or $#*ing, or even *#&$, even though so many people at this blog are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my quote box, I'll take off my pants, I'll shave my #%#, and I'll personally *&^%*(^(*&^&%$%.
Under my tutelage, you might all be able to become successful executives...working for this guy.
OK, Finally, Don't ever take up all the urinals when I'm trying to use the restroom.
So, since I watch alot of television, I figured it'd be my duty to provide you with my thoughts concerning the current seasons of television shows that I watch.
Monday
24 - I actually haven't really been watching 24 that much. I know that seems blasphemous, but I think it may just be a better show to watch on DVD. But, anything that can get unite large sweaty men(sans Pat and I, we are neither large, nor "men", nor sweaty in pat's case) into a small cramped room over an entire weekend day deserves it's own praise.
Heroes - I'm actually quite addicted to Heroes at the moment. It definitely grew on me after I watched the first 12 episodes consecutively one evening over Christmas break. Although, I am having trouble relating to the fact that EVERYONE on the show wishes to keep his power a secret. I'd be showing that shit off to everybody. And now that Ari's old boss is the "big bad...bad guy" I am a little more excited. He still wouldn't scare me into not flying around if I could though.
If you are watching "comedies" on CBS while these shows air...we cannot be friends...ever...I mean it.
Tuesday
House - Kind of a weak day of the week for TV shows. House has been OK this year, the whole storyline about the cop trying to bust House for being a drug user because House anally probed him was kind of annoying. Hopefully they'll get somewhere good with this show, it's kind of meandering.
Wednesday
Friday Night Lights - I've been enjoying this one, but only as a show that I like, but do not HAVE to watch. It has its moments, but it hasn't reached the status where I don't mind missing a week as long as I read the recap. I actually wish it was more about football. Still better than the movie.
Lost - Lost is less than 10 episodes into the season, so it's hard to judge here. I know alot of people are bitching because they don't answer all of our questions, but...come on, if you enjoy watching the show, then you should realize they can't answer the questions and keep the show going. People who like a show but want it to end are lame...I don't abide by that. As long as it's entertaining, prolong it all you want I say. There's too much crap on TV for me to wish the shows I enjoy would end.
Thursday
The Office - Pretty bad ass this year. To be honest, I'm glad Jim and Pam aren't together, I think it would completely ruin the show. The upcoming episodes sound pretty sweet, including one where Michael is wearing a woman's suit unknowingly. Andy's coming back too.
Scrubs - Incredibly disappointing this season. Don't know what else to say.
Friday -
Psych - This would be my second favorite new show. The mysteries usually are sucky, but I enjoy the characters. You can see that my steam is already running out for this entry, and I've only been typing for 8 minutes.
PS: If you're a sci-fi nerd(pat) I suggest downloading the first(and only) season of Firefly. It's pretty good. Whores and spaceships and cowboys.
And, speaking of whores, I will leave you with this exchange from the greatest television show ever made,
Gob: Well, gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be mom.
Buster: She's better looking than the whores you date!
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it! Stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!
Michael: It's just mom and whores.
There is a new poll for the week. I made this post since I figured you wouldn't look at the poll otherwise. So have fun, don't forget, some people refer to their penis as a "pole", which is a homophone for poll, so you could get a lot of good penis jokes in there. (I just giggled cuz I imagined that sentence without "jokes" in it. Jokes the word, cuz the sentence as a whole is a joke and a damned good one.)
I was thinking about this on my way home from Zionsville before I almost hit a deer(who knew they didn't hibernate in the winter?). The thought came about due to another thing that I have a problem with (which I think might be related to the first problem). I was listening to a voice memo on my phone when I realized that I can't stand the sound of my own voice. It causes me to wonder how other people could ever respect what I am saying(assuming that they do).
I mean, if I was listening to somebody else who sounded like that voice on the phone, I would probably tune him out, or at least miss some of what he was saying because I was thinking about how annoying I find his voice. I also wondered if alot of people have this same affliction (not GOB, and this is really who I first thought of, so maybe I have a problem with my attachment to TV characters). I contemplated that my own personal hell (if I believed in such a thing) would probably be watching myself do embarrassing things, while listening to me doing a narration of such events. It also made me wonder how embarrassing it would be if people could hear your inner monologue, then I thought of Austin Powers and realized I wouldn't be able to take a funnier angle, so I let that thought go.
My second problem(alluded to earlier) is that I quite often forget when I make a mental note to myself to do something. In fact, as I was raiding the pantry at home I made 2 notes. 1) Don't forget to take Mellencamp's guitar out of the trunk and 2) Don't forget to take this food with you when you leave. So naturally, 15 minutes on my way back to the condo, I realize that I don't have any food with me, but I do have a guitar in the trunk. This is a common problem for me(forgetting, not having guitars in the trunk). I was actually leaving the voice memo because I had thought of something important for my paper, but I knew I would forget it if I did not record it in some form. So after listening to the sound of my voice (as noted above) I wondered if my own disdain for my voice caused my brain to tune out my notes to self. Wouldn't that be fucked up?
MORAL: I have no goldfish now...suck.
PS: If you don't like all of the parentheses(suck it).
Coming Soon: Things I learned in College(Not Engineering, those secrets aren't for the weak)
This is how I will be lazy from this point forth:
The walk to class is lonely I've been listening to comedians lately in order to not only have some human conversation played out in my head but also be the creepy laughing kid walking just a touch to close behind you (it's because I'm trying to smell your hair). Today's choice of jokesmith was David Cross which was hard to listen to and walk. Though it wasn't nearly as hard as talking my internet girlfriend into her third straight cyber-bortion.* He eventually went to his kick on bagging on inventions but instead of laughing I began to think of inventions which would assist me in my pursuit of perfection. I know that people spend a lot of time on things that help out like 1% of the population, cool climbing gear and iron lungs come to mind, so I think it is only fair that the lives of the 99% of us left should be improved. I will now give all of you (or single you) my list of the 10 most necessary inventions. They will more than likely go from most obvious to least obvious unless I zone out.
1. Cure the damn hangover
-This one would help everyone who is worth actually knowing. I know we have pills on the market that help right now but they say they only work after around four drinks. Oh, you actually get hungover after four drinks (as in what doctors call drinks, not Stacks)? Fag. I need for drinks to actually get me in the mood to start drinking at times. I've also been told many wives tales about drink tomato juice or crushing the flower on top of Mount Doom into a powder and snorting it. These are total bullshit. Make a pill that makes me feel better. You could probably use a name that is synonymous with feeling better. Medicine. (I know I could just not drink so much but A) I'm in college B) much of the list involves my alcohol "problem"C) normally the kind of girls who hook up with me are only cute while I'm competely lit and the ones who are cute I meet at the bars)
2. Cure the damn COMMON cold
-This isn't as much for me as it is for EVERYONE. Sure AIDs sucks, but is it called the common AIDs. Nope. Pump some of the money into cold research. Cure the damn cold so I can't stop hearing people sniffle and gross me out in class. Please. Also, we could pretty much rid the world of handkerchiefs (I spelled this out and thought I was mentally and physically retarded, it is actually right) which I can agree with BAC that they are disgusting.
3. Food pills.
-I'm a fan of eating about once a day. This is time consuming for me and I would much rather spend my time...I don't know what I would do with more time but I could spend it not eating.
4. Hover board from Back to the Future
-Has there EVER been a person who saw the hover board and didn't immediately refuse to live without one? I would kill an infant for a hover board.
5. Motorized walk ways
-I'm lazy. American is obese. Neither of us are changing. Let's just make it easier on everyone.
6. Super ability suits/pills
-I want to shoot lasers from my eyes while I fly around. People can say that I'm a child for still wanting super powers (sometimes when I wake up I test to make sure that I didn't develop abilities) but let me ask you one question. If someone offered you super powers would you say no? I would bet the lock of Beno's hair I keep in my pocket that no one would refuse super powers. I don't care if someone offered me the abilities of Aquaman. I would still be pumped and you would be jealous.
7. Phone breathalyzers
-Inventors figured out how to put these on cars and yet I have done much more damage with my phone then in my car. Drunk Pat thinks it is a great idea to not only call people but also to now text them. Sweet, as if I wasn't already embarrassing enough for others. The phone could even just give you the option of calling a cab instead of the call you wanted to make. I just solved the whole DUI issue. I know I'm not the only one out there so this is another one for everyone.
8. Anti-beer goggle contacts/glasses
-Some people can't see. I am not one of those people. Instead, I cannot "see" if a girl is attractive or not when I'm intoxicated beyond what some would call "humanly possible." People have made it so people can see, let's return the favor to me.
9. Eye lid tinting that makes it look like your eyes are open
-I'm actually writing most of this in a class where I would much rather be sleeping. I normally love this class (History 302-Global Implications of the Kennedy Assassination). I would actually say this is my favorite class I've ever taken. The problem is that sometimes in a young, college boy's life he drinks a little hard on a Wednesday and would like to sleep during lecture. This means that I need something that makes my eyes look like they are open when they are closed. Drawing eyes on your eye lids works from a distance but I want something that is 100% effective. I would also like this to not be permanent. Thanks.
10. BS alarm for class rooms
-This would just wait until people say things like "I can't remember where in the reading it was said, but...", "I saw this on the news yesterday...", or "studies show..." This would just rock the world of the kid who always has his hand up. I've done science and I know he/she are throwing out around 87.66 (repeating of course). A major plus to anyone who makes this and has the alarm be a giant fart. Wow, I'm a senior at a good (decent) college.
*Hopefully Joe Rogan doesn't read this...
