Sunday, January 7, 2007

Blogrules

I think we need to get some organization here if we ever want to win a Pulitzer.

  1. Please Spell Check your posts unless you are drunk. We are all either graduates or candidates to be graduates of college; big-boy college. Misspellings for comedic effect are also allowed/encouraged.
  2. Please tag your posts. It helps keep things tidy and allows a throwaway joke or two at the end of the post.
  3. Please provide pictures/video whenever possible. It's like having posters on your wall. Or a really neat vase. Or perhaps a bearskin rug in front of your roaring fire (Please do not use this as a euphemism for your pubic hair; already copyrighted).
  4. Develop a catchphrase. For instance, whenever your post is over you could type "I just blogged that like it was hot!", or "I drop blogs on ya!", or "Slob on my blog!", or even "Blogga Blogga bill ya'll". You know, something hip and fresh.
  5. That's all I can think of for now, anything left in the comments that is good can be added to the list.
  6. Or you can just do whatever the hell you want. But I've hired someone to make sure that everything stays kosher.
Curtis tags his posts...

They probably won't need tractor beams to put me in front of the TV.



So in 2 years I will be getting Star Wars on TV everyday? That is pretty freaking awesome. I can only imagine that this will inspire countless nerds to stay single even longer so that girls don't get in the way of their viewing pleasure.

That's what kind of lightsaber Fred Smoot uses...


Faces of Sojo

The Faces of Sojo Calendar Committee (FSCC) will be meeting shortly. Everyone is expected to bring at least 12 (different) faces of Sojo after which we will vote on which faces will be included and how we will be formatting. Please e-mail me with your selections (along with a caption that catches the essence of why that face of Sojo should be in the Calendar). Please remember that this is a calendar to honor Sojo and his many faces. I have already formed the Validity Committee and thus all other committees wishing to be part of FSCC must be approved by me. Please bring the proper forms if you wish to form your own (sub) committee. That is all.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Not just a group of sad men getting together.

I'm angry because I was only halfway done blueing myself before I covered the rest of my face in white.

The only Pink worse than the Aerosmith shitty song

What was NBC thinking when they chose Pink as the person to butcher NFL facts in song form? Football at night is a perfect idea because I can not only watch people who are equally as althletic as Chad and I but also because I can be drinking. This would seemingly be a combination which would trump scissors, paper, and rock but it seems that Pink has been able to ugly her way past the holy trinity. She looks like a disgusting version of Lindsay from Arrested Development (Portia should totally turn bi for me) and she has the voice of a tranny trying to impersonate the "singing ability" of Cher. I am so pissed that I don't know if I will be able to enjoy watching the Dal/Sea game while watching the live updates on TonyHomo.com. So, in response to the hate in my heart I've decided to rank the worst decisions in history.



10. Sending the Spanish Armada.
9-1 . Hiring Pink for a show that guys would like



Since I can't even finish a simple top 10 list:
smoothies thus far=0

Friday, January 5, 2007

Musings on Personal Growth and Interaction (insert your own penis joke)

What is it about us that makes us feel the need to constantly belittle other people? Does it make us feel better about ourselves? Why is it that everything that we find funny needs to happen at someone else's expense? The Diesel and I discussed this the other day.

I myself am a very bad perpetrator of this habit. I often laugh at other people's expense, even if I know that it might hurt them. I make jokes at other people's expense. And while often I try to make my slights only about less trivial or false matters, the fact of the matter is that doesn't make what I do any less mean spirited. I find myself often noting that someone has crossed the line in his rudeness, when in reality that line has been created in my head for the person being made fun of. It's very possible that the person being made fun of felt the line was crossed much before that. I think that often we perpetuate the fallacy that what we believe is acceptable is the same as that for other people.

Let's be honest; no one (fetishes aside) likes to be made fun of. I personally don't enjoy it very much and often go to fairly large lengths to avoid the occurrence. I can recall many times in high school when I actively made decisions solely based on other people's possible reactions and words. We all even have our own mechanisms for deflecting or reducing how much and what people make fun of us for. Some people simply make fun of themselves about the things that they are embarrassed or already sensitive about in hopes that by doing so others will focus less on such easy targets. Others simply do not respond or just laugh along with the jokes hoping that the others will simply move along to their next target quickly. Finally some choose to immediately strike back at the taunter with equal or more venom, which usually only provokes the original prodder to think of more inventive and cruel jests. Whichever way you choose to deal with it, it should be obvious to others that you are not in fact kosher with what is being said about you.

So if we feel this way, why do we continue to bad mouth and poke fun at our friends and fellow human beings? Obviously we get some enjoyment from it, and I have heard from sources that laughter is a panacea of sorts. Is it that we are not all inherently funny enough to amuse each other in less destructive ways? Is that why some people latch on to one joke and ride it into the ground? (That's a post for another time but it gives me an excuse to post a picture) Do we simply not care unless we ourselves are the butt of the jokes? Or is it our general lack of self-confidence that we feel we need to cut everyone else down so that they can feel as we do?

Seriously, stop beatin' it. (Only applies to jokes; otherwise it's healthy, and good for grip strength.)



This gets to a deeper problem. How do I make things right? I don't consider myself a particularly mean person, but I am no saint either. I have gotten to the point where often I find myself saying mean things about strangers in my head when no one I know is around. These thoughts are obviously for someone's amusement, but I don't find them particularly funny. Had a friend been around perhaps with the right inflection and timing they might chuckle; but usually what happens is immediately I wonder to myself what good that thought just did. Am I so shallow that my first thoughts about everyone is what makes them suck? Am I just anti-humanity? Perhaps I am mentally preparing myself for a verbal onslaught from them about what they perceive to be my faults? I don't know, but it's disturbing to me every time.

These thoughts have brought me to an experiment I have thought up but have yet to decide to implement.

What would happen if I resolved to not make fun of anyone (to a person or about a person)? How long until I began to feel superior to other people who do make fun of people? (My guess is less than a week moral superiority would start to creep in, most likely of the false variety) Would my friends still find me amusing? Would I myself start feeling less self-conscious? Would I still find myself constantly thinking of how I find other people lacking?

There's a smug cloud a brewin'.

Anyway, it's something I've been pondering for a while.

P.S. If you didn't make it all the way to here you're an idiot and I'm better than you because I can read.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Drunk Myths

Hi. I am drunk right now. And to help you out, I am here to dispell some drunk myths. Many people fall into many cliches about drunkeness and no one ever wants to really explain the reasoning behind their actions, but myself, being drunk, is ready to tackle the drunk myths that have forever plagued our society.



  • "I don't remember what happened last night" - This tactic is usually used by the female sex in one of two ways. Either they did something really dumb and got pissed at you for no reason (guys in relationships know what I am talking about) or they engaged in some intimate situation in which they either regret (random hookup) or an initimate situation where they act out thier pornstar dreams. Either way it is an easy way out to keep them catholic school girl-esque in their minds.

  • "I nailed this chick last night" - When in fact, he actually fell asleep after pleasuring himself to the Transformers trailer (it's really cool by the way). This tactic is usually used by males to other males to establish their conquering of the opposite sex, however, it usually is false, and everyone knows it, but all the guys listen in to the Hustler-like story to help a friend out.

  • "I'm not that drunk!" - Yes you are. You are drunk. You are very drunk. In fact, if someone lit a match while you exhaled, you would shoot out a flame that would make Gene Simmons jealous.

  • "I'M SO DRUNK!" - Yes you are. And no one likes you right now. You are loud and annoying. But we will laugh at you regardless.

  • "I'm really tired..." - Me after writing this. I hope this is ok. There shouldn't be too many grammatical errors, because people who screw up typing while drunk, only do it on purpose to be really funny (when they really aren't) A true drunk can type ok, their ideas are just retarded (i.e. me!)

Well, I hope you enjoyed this little blog, I am having fun talking to immaginary friends. Take care and happy new years. Prost!!!!