What the f@ck is a Joakim?

Chicago just got a whole lot uglier. The Bulls skipped over a sea of attractive black men and Josh Mc(Dreamy)Roberts to draft the worlds ugliest person. Disagree?



These are pictures of him not even playing basketball. I could have pulled a low blow and put up a picture of him actually participating in sport but lots of people look ugly while sporting.* Noah has pulled off ugly 24/7 365. This "man" is so hideous that I'm pretty sure Hostel 2's controversial ending was actually just a montage of Noah pictures. I know winning the French Open is for poor people but surely his father could have found some way to get him braces. Poppe woke up to Sportscenter once and did his little scared yell because they showed a Florida highlight where Noah did nothing other than catch a killer pass from Brewer and do some uncomfortable dunk. True story.

He is also not only incredibly ugly but he is only ok at basketball. When experts say that your best skills are long arms and the ability to run the floor then you are obviously awesome since basketball involves nothing else. Noah has officially succeed in winning the genetic lottery and being able to run. I'm great looking and can move yet people rarely sign me to huge sport contracts.** Klein could look amazing if I surrounded him with the talent on Florida's national championship teams. I'm next to positive that half their roster was selected in the first two rounds. I'm not laughing.

Now comes the actual point of this post. Can I hate my favorite basketball team due to only one player? This question mainly goes out to you Pacer fans because I would have hated the Pacers until Artest left.*** He single handily sunk that season and I would have blamed him entirely. I got over Rex because of his rampant sexuality and I embraced Rodman because he was hysterical when he messed with Malone and NBA Jam was sweet when you could change his hair color but I really just hate Noah. The only thing I could cheer for in regards to this freak is a sweet injury ala Shaun Livingston. I would YouTube this more than Rick Astely videos and the This is Why you Suck song combined, which is impressive. I'm so mad that this post has become like half gay. I'm so pissed that only amateur porn can cheer me up. I really love amateur porn though. I refuse to proof read or spell check this so that at least Adam will also be angry.


*Have you seen the faces some of you make while reliving your high school sports dreams during intramurals? Helpful hint-don't play in gyms with mirrors. Seriously.
**I'm now the face of MLS. Suck it.
***What team drafted him? Oh yeah, the Bulls. I remember him being sane for a few days with the team and then he applied at a Circuit City for a job so he could get a discount. I didn't even know Circuit City sold "beat your wife." Must have been a special deal or something.

For Pat. From Chad.

because I know he loves cats...

Don't Call It A Comeback

I've been here for years. Actually I have been gone for the past 2 weeks doing really hard work at the College World Series like laminating, and taping, and a little meteorology on the side. Enjoy!


Check out the stud at the 1:48 mark.

How much would you pay to shit yourself?

Call me old fashioned, but when a drug has the side effects of: "The stool may become oily or loose (steatorrhea). Increased flatulence is also common. Bowel movements may become frequent or urgent, and rare occurrences of fecal incontinence have been seen in clinical trials; the alli website recommends that users wear dark pants, and take a change of clothes with them to work," I usually don’t even consider taking it.

Sadly, due to the over-indulgent Americans along with their tendency to cling to the latest trends, stores can’t seem to keep this drug on the shelves. A close source who works at the Walgreen’s corporate office in purchasing and distribution revealed that the day of the products release, all the Walgreen’s in the Chicagoland area ran out of the pill. How sick is the American public (I think I can safely say in this case, mostly women), how gullible are you that you will go to the length of shitting yourself while your at work, or while your in class just to lose a few extra pounds. The website says it plain and clear, "In one-year clinical trials, between 35.5% and 54.8% of subjects achieved a 5% or greater decrease in body mass, although not all of this mass was necessarily fat. Between 16.4% and 24.8% achieved at least a 10% decrease in body mass." This means that if you lose 50 pounds in a year, which is healthy, and you take this pill you will lose an extra 5 pounds, at a cost of $730!! The package when bought costs $70 for a one month supply. Can you imagine paying $146 to lose one pound, cause thats what your doing.


I know I have gone on a rant, but if you know anyone who is stupid enough to take this, please slap them in the fucking face, kick them in the ass (check their pants first), and make them read about how fucking stupid they are for paying money to shit themselves, I know old people who do that everyday for free.

Always remember, the Hoff says, "Don't Do Drugs"

HR/PR/Typical Work Place

Work life balance. I love how my past/current employers always say they have a great work/life balance program. Yet it seems you have to work at least 40 hours a week between 9am and 6pm Monday-Friday and can't take off more then 21 days a year (never more then two days at a time), unless you want to get singled out. Its cool though, you get to dress casual on Fridays. Maybe that's what they are referring to.

Diversity. Yeah right. I think I once saw a director/partner that was not a white dude once??? There was a gay secretary at PwC last summer. Maybe thats what they were referring to.

First Fridays - - Free Lunch everyone!!! (Sold. I am working here forever)

All the 30/40 somethings ask about what "wild times" you had on the weekend Monday mornings. I think I should shock them sometime and say I beat a hooker in an alley to see the look on thier face.

Graduation Gift

I know it’s a little late (especially for BAC), but I have gotten you guys a gift. I know, I know I didn’t have to get you guys anything, but I really wanted too. Anyways I know you guys have started new jobs, or are preparing to start jobs, or in Pat’s case doing nothing, and I figured you could use something that would remind you of Purdue. I am sure you are all going through Stack’s withdrawal (I know I am) and wishing you could get a Green Dragon in your new home, or at least wishing you could make one for yourself. If you are like Colbert and I you always tried to watch which alcohols the bartenders used, but never were coherent enough to remember which ones they used. Well today is your lucky day, because I found out that Stack’s has a website and they have a page with the recipes for their specialty drinks. Without further ado here is the list of drinks you can now make for yourself.

Now all you need is some 80's music and a wooden bench and you have yourself your own private Stack's.

Bloggin'

NonSexual

Words will be here later.

Because I was wondering

Oi, I found yours blog for google tá well interesting I liked this post. When to give gives passed for mine blog, is on personalized t-shirts, shows step by step as to create a well personalized t-shirt way. Until more.

Because if you go to the trouble to comment on a blog written in english by obvious scholars such as ourselves, you at least deserve to have it translated and posted. And obviously I wanted you guys to know where you could make customized t-shirts (who would make those...seriously). Until our paths cross again like two powerful streams of urine in a trough, você comedores da esfera gosta da torneira. WORD

Don't let the door hit you in the vagina on your way out.

Bonus Schrute Bucks if you knew what language it was.

Hint: When George was smart he nailed a waitress of this persuasion.

Finally, Chad's dream girl

Everyones Leaving

As the new school year draws closer, I have begun to realize that everyone on this blog is gone (Bisanz in one semester). Anyways I am going to do a top ten list of things I am going to miss. I heard BAC loves lists (but not as much as wet men,or himself[editor's note] apparently).

Top 10 Things I will miss:
10). Chad man priding Sojo, Poppe, Me….well actually everyone.
9). Making fun of Pat for having that DG shack with him….again!
8). Dad’s Day (Mr. Sharpe and Mr. Bisanz).
7). Clay and Poppe convincing Sojo to wear a pearl necklace and any other gay clothes.
6). Lonnie wiggling his fingers to “Snow” and asking girls if they need any cocktails.
5). Chad and Clay arguing over who had better fantasy stats in our flag football game.
4). Bisanz/Crazy Lauren stories
3). Watching: AD, Always Sunny, The Office, Scrubs, and of course GND.
2). Making fun of: well….everyone.
1). The Bars just won’t be the same.

I of course will also miss all the inside jokes, because now I am not going to have anyone else inside with me (insert joke here). These are all the ones I could think of (feel free to add more).
Jokes: Oh yea…well you don’t even have a penis!*, Ha hmmmm, DING, Sweet Caroline, ETA BETA…bitch!, you know who loved….., JK Beno, Helicockter, Da’ Bears, Go Horse, Shooorrtayyy…whats your drink, that’s what she said, we are on fall break…we are from Australlia, Holy Shit!, Don’t Worry About It, do you girls need some cocktails?, Sojo and his pastel button down’s, Poppe = Snorlacks, Chadding Hard, Take your monkey hands off her, ahhh….my Wii arm, I’m soooo ripped, Sky Vodka, “Ohh great…I get to see my grandkids made in front of me”, [u]Inappropriate, Bobblehead Bisanz, Rumpies!, Stacks!, “Go inside and enjoy your meal”, Colbert banned from 315, “if you play this song one more time, I will fucking kill you”, “Theresa just give him your number”, John McMadden, Muppet Treasure Island, Uncle Bryan[alec baldwin], Tri-Pis and their Blumpkins, “Poppe, Painter just gave Pat a reach around”, Deal with IT….doggie, Damnit Yuki (ahh Pledgeship), Can I take her to B-dubs?, How do I get her to kiss me?, Never gonna give you up….Never gonna let you down, Party Fries, Snow Day?...lets go to Stacks, Are you guys professors or students?, I just need a boyfriend (crazy Stacks lady), and “All State”.
*Actually peaked when it was reversed on the girl with the big ugly nose.

I fly high, no lie, you know this.....BLOGGIN'

To Pacman....

It's time for the word "pacman" to become a verb. The latest incident, in which members of Pacman Jones' entourage (I want an entourage) allegedly shot at another unknown entourage outside an Atlanta-area strip club around 4 a.m. Monday, clinches the deal. "To pacman" needs to become part of the English language.

Pacman\ PAC-man\, verb:
From the Nintendo gaming word:

1). To repeatedly do a stupid thing while professing to understand its stupidity.

2). To make it rain*.

3). To be fast (thats what she said).

Adam 'Pacman' Jones claimed he was going to change his life, after this recent incident he believes that he is improving. Instead of actually being arrested on a crime; he has now just been brought in for questioning because the police believe he knows who committed the crime. Congratulations! You have now passed from felon to snitch! Pacman has fallen so far out of 'good standing' (how hard is that to accomplish, Ray Lewis** killed a man and he is still playing) with the league that Titans star quarterback Vince Young has begun to question Pacman's interest in playing in the league anymore. That is pathetic by the way.

Anyways back to my new word, here is an example of how it can be used. Pat really pacmaned last night when he had BE*** shack with him...again. Well that is all I have on this new development.

*Throwing money in the air at strip clubs.

**Lewis only committed one offense, unlike Pacman.

*** BE is the name we have given this girl to protect her identity.

Bloggin'

that is my new call sign....I noticed BAC wanted something like this at the end of all posts.

Wet men

I promised you wet men, so here I am literally covered in water. As wet as I can possibly be without holding a sword.

John Mayer...funny?

The end part of this video has quite possibly the best lyric I've ever heard. If he keeps up this kind of lyrical mastery he could be on the road to being the next C2P.

The Pikey Bunch

Being new to the Blog I decided to go back and read some old posts last night. I noticed in a couple blogs the word family was used; which got me thinking, if we were a TV family who would we be? I settled on "The Brady Bunch". Below is reasoning behind everyone's characters...enjoy!

Mike Brady – Poppe: This was an easy call; I mean who hasn’t gone to Poppe for some fatherly advice. I have learned a lot from Poppe over the years like; breathe when you sleep, don’t sleep while driving, and don’t date girls that are crazy.
Carol Brady – Chad: Sorry Chad! A common scene around the Pike house is 2 brothers about to start swinging at each other, and whenever that happened Chad was there. Whenever the kids in “The Brady Bunch” fought Carol was always there to stop it and calm everyone down, just like Chad. Plus Chad has always helped Clay get over his jealousy of Pat (more on that later).
Marcia – Pat: Another easy choice; Pat has Marcia written all over him because they are both extremely materialistic and superficial. Pat always has to have the best hair (after a night of drinking it always looks astounding in the morning), best clothes (that he grabs off the floor and douses in wrinkle release), and the newest gadgets (first person in the house to have a Wii).
Jan – Clay: Jan was always jealous of her older sister, just like Clay is jealous of Pat’s great looks and amazing athletic skills*. We all know that Clay goes to Chad whenever he is upset about Pat, just like Jan did with her Mom, and on several occasions I have heard Clay say, “Patrick, Patrick, Patrick”.
Cindy – Borchardt: I know Jeremy isn’t on the blog, but I needed someone for Cindy, and Jeremy was just too good of an option. Lets see Cindy was extremely dumb (she was 12 and she still couldn’t spell), and she idolized Marcia. We all know that Jeremy is dumb and he idolizes Pat. I am pretty sure Jeremy was in my room last semester more then I was. Cindy’s favorite animal is a hamster, and Jeremy just so happens to be a hamster (added bonus).
Greg – Lonnie: Greg** was the musical kid in the family, and that is perfect for Lonnie. In many episodes Greg could be found playing his guitar with his shirt unbuttoned and his chest hair hanging out. I can honestly say that I would not be surprised to see Lonnie outside of HotBox; guitar in hand jamming out for everyone.
Peter – Beno: Peter was portrayed as the mischievous one of the family, and is known for frequently getting himself into trouble by breaking rules or hatching schemes. He is also often the joker of the family, playing pranks on his siblings. I dunno, I guess that sounds like me, but Peter was the only one left.
Bobby – Bisanz: Bobby was the "safety monitor" at his school and occasionally gets the other siblings into trouble. Dan was definitely the “safety monitor” of the Pike house during his time, and he even got me into trouble when he told Lonnie I pissed out my window on to Lonnie’s car.
Alice – Sojo: Alice is best known for telling jokes that got the response, “Oh Alice”. Sojo doesn’t exactly tell jokes, but after many of his dumb comments he gets the, “Oh Sojo” response.
Cousin Oliver – Klein: Cousin Oliver was brought in during the last season to add a younger child to the mix. Oliver is known as the character that killed “The Brady Bunch”. He is disliked by the other children and typically ignored. Klein is definitely disliked by the rest of us, and he almost killed the Pike house once he moved in.

Special thanks to Wikipedia (a totally reliable source) for the information on these characters.

* Pat can catch a football one handed without spilling his beer.
** It was later determined that Greg loved cocktails (only if using Sky vodka though), and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Childhood Obesity

So recently I saw a news report on Childhood Obesity (if you ask yourself why I have begun to watch the news the answer is because Munster is boring. Ciric works every morning at 6 am, even on the weekend....and like I'm gonna call Fandl, COME ON!). Anyways I disagreed with everything on the report. They said it was the parents fault for not being able to handle their kids and be responsible. I think it is the school systems fault personally. Now a days schools are just too nice, and they have banned teasing and dodgeball. Those are the two ways you help keep kids away from obesidity. Think back to 5th grade; you never wanted to be made fun, but you loved making fun of kids. This fact alone kept you from eating everyone's McDonalds.

Just try and tell me that when you see these 2 kids you don't want to just start making fun of them or pelt them with a dodgeball. Sure they might cry, but it will make them tougher so they can handle the real world. There isn't always going to be someone there to protect you, so I say lets stop sheltering these fatties and tell them what we think. In the words of Pat (to me sadly), "lose some weight you fatass!".

In the loop

There happens to be a few homeless people in the loop. I walk by them before and after work and they all ask me for change. Here are some recent ones that I enjoyed because they stood out:

"My girlfriend and I are homeless. I need change to call her" - Call her where?

"I'm going to Vegas" (holding a cup)
Me- Nice, I've never been there
"It's in the desert"
Me -"You are going East, start walking West...a lot"

"Gimme a hundred dollars" - I give him points for originality

"Say good sir, can I interest you in a boat I am selling" - On the beach

"Some change sir?" - Then pulled out a cell phone and answered it!?

The Purdue bum was by far my favorite. Some days he would ask for a quarter, some days he would just say hello, some days just nod. He was a smart bum because he would ask you one out of every three times you walked by. So it worked for me...once and a while. Probably becuase he would remember people and not ask everytime regardless of the fact that 1000 people walked by him everyday.

The Church of Paris

Paris Hilton is becoming a nun?


She has turned to God?


No...now she is talking to Buddah?





These are all thoughts that have crossed my mind recently with the multiple reports on Paris trying to get out/stay out of prison. Paris has been seen carrying the self-help book "The Power of Now" and a copy of the Holy Bible (probablly stolen from a motel room) around Beverly Hills. She apparently is trying to shed her party girl/porno girl image, and become a woman of God. (I am pretty sure to be a woman of God you must be STD free, not sure on that one though).

During her most recent court appearance she reportedly turned to her parents several times, and mouthed, "I love you." At one point, she made the sign of the cross and appeared to be praying. Great stunts that I am posotive she did not think of on her own, but the judge still sent her back to jail, and justice was served.

Assistant City Attorney Dan F. Jeffries argued that Hilton’s incarceration was purely up to the judge. “Her release after only three days erodes confidence in the judicial system, and this reversal proves that no one is above the law” he said. Somewhere I can't help but think O.J. Simpson is watching this all on T.V. and having himself a good laugh!

I hope Chad is happy

Like you really had to tell Paris that you two are over on today of all days. You are such an ass.

The next June 17, 1994?

I am updating live on the Paris Hilton case because I'm a total waste case and have nothing better to do. I don't think anyone is actually checking the blog right now but I was just wondering what anyone thinks the over/under is on whether or not she takes a Pink Bronco to the court house. She could hold a cell phone up to her head the entire time and threaten to shave her head.

I woke up at 5:30

I mean seriously... if you are dealing with people that have sleep problems, do you think it is wise to deprive them of sleep even more? I for one don't, but until I become the chancellor of Earth, I will have to submit to the wills of others. Damn democracies...

Anyways, so I had to go back in to the sleep lab to do another test. This time, it was because I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and had to be hooked up to a breathing machine because apparantly I have become to lazy to do that myself. I spoke with the doctor after my first lab and he said, "What you have is what we call severe sleep apnea." He said it so scary that I thought thunder was going to clap in the background and a slow zoom would happen on the Doctor's face as he laughed... but it didn't. I hate real life. He informed me that I decided to not breathe 88 times on average an hour during my first sleep lab. I told him I was just seeing how long I could hold my breath. He did not find this entertaining.

So I find myself once again in the hotel room inside a hospital, only this time I got the shitty suite. My view was of a gravel roof, the recliner was positioned beneath the TV so I had to stand up to watch it, and then, like my mother, the technician turned off the TV at halftime during the Finals... but I hear Jordan pulled it off.

It was all pretty much the same stuff as last time except this time I had to wear a mask that made me look like Maverick from Top Gun.

I told the technician she was dangerous and chomped my teeth at her... ICEMAN style.

This morning when she woke me up, I contemplated recreating the scene from Star Wars Ep III when Anakin becomes Vader. You know, slowly sit up and then turn to her and ask in a really low voice, "What happened to Padme?" Then when she said what I would go, "NOOOOOOOO" and the room would rattle and lights would break and little valves out of nowhere would shoot out steam. But instead I just acted like I was asleep still so I could sleep more, but once again like my Mom, she did not believe me. I bet she would have believed me if I were Vader...

Well, that is about the extent of my stay, I'm sure you all are really excited to hear about it. Hope the summer is going well for all and for those of you in Indy, BAC, The Chad, tonight is the night for Broad Ripplings... Prost!

Diesel Out!

Yeah well, I don't have anything to do on a Friday evening assclowns.

A Photo Journal Of Diesel and I's V(g)acation.
(All photos have been edited for your pleasure)

the first thing we did was jump right into the pool...stupid low flying clouds get in the way of a great shot.
Next I showed Diesel my crazy hops. You can't tell from here but that is a waxed back for your viewing enjoyment.
Next I took some shots of Diesel for his modeling portfolio.
Diesel told some local ladyfolk to stop fighting for his attention. After fostering peace he said, "There's enough Diesel for me to pull both those trailers..."
This candid shot caught him unawares as he was conducting his "gun show" for a kind elderly lady.
Finally I took this picture of me alone. But then I decided to add a girl to it so I would look cooler and too cool off the sexy with only one nipple. Then I figured I didn't want any girls getting mad for posting their picture on the website so I edited her face out. Then I added this sweet facial hair.

Well that's it for our trip. Cross your fingers. Diesel's got a shoot for Teen Beat next Wednesday.