This is either the Greatest moment of the day, or the Greatest moment of my week.

Look to your right...now down a little...past the links... BAM!

If that wasn't the dropping the soap in prison scare this site needed then I don't know what is.

Anyways, since I'll be spending the weekend alone I will try and post a couple times since I know you guys get jealous thinking about all the awesome stuff I do by myself.

You guys are encouraged also to write here... I have been especially disappointed in the lack of comments recently. It's kind of depressing, like I bought a fancy new headband and you guys don't even care enough to tell me how lame it is.

By the by, We need to have a consensus about what should take the place of the word gay to mean lame, because obviously as we slowly convalesce out of the fantasy world that is college, we'll have to learn code words that aren't offensive, but obviously actually using the word "lame" is lame in and of itself, so we need to make some progress on this front.

Again, I want to reiterate that it gets lonely over here when no one posts. I don't want to be Ron Artest's dog here or anything...but seriously, some scraps or something guys. Anyway, I'm gonna go listen to that song from the OC where Ryan is deeply contemplating whether or not he wants to find Volchek and kill him or go back to the Ultimate Fighting cage and get his ass beat.


NOTE: If you would like to make your own poll, go to http://www.webpollcentral.com/ and use the user name bac5400. Hint for the password: Chad's old Facebook Password. Diesel will know what I'm talking about.
I'm pretty sure you can just make a poll, then copy the html or javascript into the post.

Awesomeness

Dwight: Oh you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.

My Personal Guide to Men's Accessories

Inspiration: Guy on the Bus wearing a bandanna.

We'll break this down into two categories.
* denotes an own violation/acceptable use.


GYM ACCESSORIES

Headband:
Great: for sweaty bastards and always good for basketball.*
Not Great: For guys who are walking. At no point should walking slowly in a circle create profuse forehead sweat.

Bandanna:
Great: For pirates.
Not great: For working out. You look like an idiot. I won't tell you this, because you are bigger than me. Rolled up bandannas are headbands, see above.

Wrist Bands
Great: for real basketball players who play so much sweat drips down their arm to their hands.
Not Great: for all other people. You might as well go up to everyone and ask for their attention.*

Cell Phone:
Great: for sports agents watching their players work out. For old men who need it to call for help when their hips give out.
Not Great: for everyone else. If you need your cell phone in the gym...make yourself a home gym that you will never use.

Knee Pads
Great: for old men who will be playing 3 times as hard as you at basketball and will tell you what to do despite their lack of knowledge about the game.
Not great: in the locker room...kinda makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Work shoes
Great: if you are there to check out the little kids.
Not great: if you are actually doing something athletic. If you have time to go to the gym, you have time to bring the right shoes.

CASUAL ACCESSORIES

Hats
Great: if you are bald.
Not great: Hats to me seem to say, "I'm a little bit insecure with how my head looks. I need this safety blanket."

Beanies
Great: if it is cold and you have short hair.*
Not great: If you are wearing it indoors; you look like an idiot, you have admitted hair failure.* Also not great if you have lots of hair.

Stocking Caps
Great: if you are robbing the place. Or if there is a snow fight.
Not great: in a bank.

Ear Muffs
Great: if you have really "bangin" hair. Want everyone to know how fabulous you look.
Not great: If you are trying to exude heterosexuality.

Face Masks (for winter)
Great: If you are a ninja.
Not great: in all other circumstances. If it is too cold for you to walk outside without your face completely covered, you should probably just stay home with your mom that day.

Sunglasses
Great: when you are driving.*
Not great: when you are indoors. You literally placed the word "tool" in my head.

Headband
Great: If you have so much hair that it will cover your face entirely otherwise.
Not great: if you are trying to look cool; it didn't work.*

Bandanna:
Great: If you are a big guy with hair. Kinda jealous of how badass it makes you look.
Not great: Bald guys, we know you're bald, we can see through the little holes in the back of the bandanna.

Wrist Bands, Bicep Bands
Great: never, this will always make you look like a giant tool.
Not great: always, see above.*

Bracelets
Great: if you want to disguise your tiny girl wrists.*
Not great: If they shine in any way or form.

Watches
Great: if you can manage not to lose them.
Not great: if you've ever left one in the yard and had it run over by a lawnmower.*

Leather Gloves
Great: when you are committing a felony.
Not great: when you are trying to appear like you aren't committing a felony.*

Livestrong bands
Great: If you bought them to support a good cause.
Not great: If you wear more than one.*

Necklace
Great: if you have ONE necklace, and you wear it with all things.*
Not great: if you have many that you match with your "outfits".

Headphones
Great: If you're absolutely positive that you don't want anyone to talk/interact with you.
Not great: If you're trying to look slightly social. Big negative here to people with actual headphones(not earbuds). That's right, I'm making fun of you while you are looking at me, but you'll never be sure.

BUSINESS ACCESSORIES

Colored Handkerchief
Great: if you have one to match all your shirts.
Not great: If you actually use it...gross.

Pocket Watch
Great: If you want to impress the Mr. Monopoly, or Mr. Peanut.
Not great: If that's your actual timekeeping device. You're like, 3 centuries behind buddy.

Cell Phone Clip
Great: ...can't say I can see an upside to this.
Not great: pretty much all the time, if you're cell phone is still so big you require a clip, you should probably think about upgrading to the 2000 model.

Blue Tooth
Great: if you're a terrorist coordinating global events, but still want to be free to masturbate.
Not great: Either be a man and drive with one hand, or join the secret service. If you wear one around other people, then there is a presumption that you are a tool that you will be forced to rebut somehow(preferably by buying lots of drinks with the money you made being so "efficient").

Gettin' some Ash

Can I get an amen? No? I'll just power through then, just like the power of God. Today marks the day when Catholics are the most blatantly obviously religites around and I am rocking more wood than a cross. Across from what you say? How about we disregard directions and instead get back to the point? That idea sounds better to me than a long slug of watered down, spit filled, church wine. We Catholics aren't big on the evangelical preaching or witty religious shirts so this is our main day to be annoying.

Cuz Jesus said so!

As the sect which most enjoys the wine to water idea* we don't receive much love from other followers of the true God (yes, this is a cut to all your spaghetti monster believers). I hear whispers that others don't enjoy our company due to something involving our inability to renounce the Nazis around WWII or our out and out dislike of homosexuals (who aren't priests) but I think we can come together under one idea. We all dislike gay Nazis. All of us. So lets just all chill out and enjoy the fact that some of us have ash smeared all over our foreheads while we make fun of the fact that a bunch of Nazis actually were gay.

*GOB assured me that this is correct

What Happened?

Sorry that this is my first post in a while. I know all(both) of you have been wasting valuable time clicking and being disappointed. Today I would like to address the issue of gayness. Not like same sex "doing it" or anything like that. I mean the culture of gayness that has enveloped us.

For example, I used to have absolutely no interest in clothes beyond the fact that I had a well-established rule with my mom that I could wear shorts as long as the paper said it was going to be at least 50 degrees outside. That was it. My entire focus on wardrobe consisted of:
(1) Making sure that I didn't have to wear jeans. Fuck Jeans, they suck for basketball and they are pants.
(2) Not getting too sweaty. That's why windbreaker outfits were fucking badass. Why is it that now only old people and mobsters get to wear those things and not feel awkward? Why can't I wear those?
(3) Being able to play sports at any moment's notice.

That was it. I wasn't worried about belts, or whether they matched my shoes. I wasn't worried about whether a shirt made me look tall/skinny/fat/dumpy/smurfish. But now, it's all changed. The gayness has affected me deeply. I only shop at certain places now because the other ones are "lame." I only own 3 shirts that have athletic teams/players on them. And I would never wear them to school. HELL, I EVEN WORRY ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR TO WORKOUT IN. That's right, I worry about how I'm going to look when I'm COVERED in sweat. Not today though, today I chose to wear my purple Royal Highlander to work out in, but I still wouldn't wear it to school.

But maybe I have made a mistake. Maybe it's not the gays that have made me more fashion conscious. In fact, the more I think about it, the less I can really blame it on them. Because I thought that I was dressing more grownup/fashionable in high school, but whenever I see those clothes I can only think about how god awful ugly they were. Of course back then I couldn't even contemplate wearing a shirt that cost more than $20. And I brought those same clothes to college. So if it's not the gay culture that got me, then what is it? There can be only one person to blame for this, and his name is Sojo.

That's right, the value of my wardrobe has increased in direct proportion to the time I've known Sojo. As he developed his metrosexual flavor, as did it rub off on me. I've even prepared this graph:


If you have any conflicting/explaining theories, feel free to place them in the comments.

My Theory of Constructive Ridiculing

So I was sitting on the bus yesterday, and I was thinking, whose genetic flaws will I make fun of in my mind next when a kid whose eyes were WAY too close together walked onto the bus. So I chuckled in my mind but then I started thinking, how dumb is that? Making fun of something about a person that is impossible for them to change is not productive. It's like, how many times has someone called me short and I've thought, "Wow, that really hurt, that really went right to my insecurity about my inability to grow..." I mean, how stupid is it when you make fun of someone for being what they are? I mean, if I say something stupid because I'm running my mouth, of course I expect to be ridiculed. But if I hit myself in the head because I just allowed a goal in NHL 07 and it's messing with my goalies season stats, well, I can't help that, it's like a reflex or some shit. Might as well ask me to stop looking at myself in the mirror. (Although that is kind of different, you don't just walk past great works of art without admiring them, it's rude.)

What I should of thought was, "Hey kid, you're an undergrad at IU, you probably haven't read a real book since Dr. Seuss became too blase for you. I can't wait til you come to me for legal advice because you want to sue the doctor who removed the shampoo bottle that "accidentally" got stuck up your ass."

You see, that would have some benefit for him. By pointing out that he is lacking in something that he can fix, stupidity, rather than something he cannot, ugliness, I am benefiting society. Of course, if he were less ugly I could be more efficient by being able to look right past him and move on to someone more in need of my "advice," but that's probably thinking on too micro of a scale. In closing, I bring you this famous quote, "You don't throw stones at big tortoises because they're slow moving rock impersonators; you throw stones at big tortoises because they are not living up to their teenage mutant ninja turtle potential."


Sorry, I felt this needed some multimedia, and I love this picture.

The Power of the Mob and an Ultimate Fighter

So this video is pretty awesome. I mean, I don't think I've ever sat down and said, "Joe Rogan is funny", cuz frankly he's not. But he has my undying respect and fear for calling out Carlos Mencia (Ned) who is not funny. He's the mangina of comedians. He's trying to look like a comedian, but he's just making everyone throw up a little in their mouths. Bonus points if you extrapolated that comparison to work in the fact that everyone can make a mangina, just like everyone can look up stereotypes then say them out loud. Double bonus points if you work in the disgust(I'm assuming since I don't have any personal experience here)of finding a mangina where you thought there was a real vagina, kinda like how disappointed and angry you are when you see a comedian bomb doing standup. Triple Bonus Points if you thought about how mangina's can eventually "stand up." Alright, that's probably enough about manginas for now.



Although, Joe does make a valid point. There's no way this would still be going on if comedians weren't pussies. I mean, if I saw another guy stealing my dance moves without giving me credit then I would totally call his mother. But asking the little asian guy from Mad TV to be the one to stand up for himself was probably not the brightest idea.
Of course, I highly doubt that all the guys telling Ned that he's thief would actually do so if there wasn't someone trained in death-dealing doing all the yelling. It's like, of course we wouldn't call guys pussies at Taco Bell if Johno weren't there to make sure that they didn't steal our delicious tacos from us. It's sad that more people don't stand up for themselves, but, let's be honest, no one wants to get hit in the face (except Buster). I guess Ned does have some balls for not running away when Joe Rogan started threatening him. But of course, all mangina's have balls, there just hidden.


This is either the greatest photoshop I've ever done or the worst.