My Personal Guide to Men's Accessories

Inspiration: Guy on the Bus wearing a bandanna.

We'll break this down into two categories.
* denotes an own violation/acceptable use.


GYM ACCESSORIES

Headband:
Great: for sweaty bastards and always good for basketball.*
Not Great: For guys who are walking. At no point should walking slowly in a circle create profuse forehead sweat.

Bandanna:
Great: For pirates.
Not great: For working out. You look like an idiot. I won't tell you this, because you are bigger than me. Rolled up bandannas are headbands, see above.

Wrist Bands
Great: for real basketball players who play so much sweat drips down their arm to their hands.
Not Great: for all other people. You might as well go up to everyone and ask for their attention.*

Cell Phone:
Great: for sports agents watching their players work out. For old men who need it to call for help when their hips give out.
Not Great: for everyone else. If you need your cell phone in the gym...make yourself a home gym that you will never use.

Knee Pads
Great: for old men who will be playing 3 times as hard as you at basketball and will tell you what to do despite their lack of knowledge about the game.
Not great: in the locker room...kinda makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Work shoes
Great: if you are there to check out the little kids.
Not great: if you are actually doing something athletic. If you have time to go to the gym, you have time to bring the right shoes.

CASUAL ACCESSORIES

Hats
Great: if you are bald.
Not great: Hats to me seem to say, "I'm a little bit insecure with how my head looks. I need this safety blanket."

Beanies
Great: if it is cold and you have short hair.*
Not great: If you are wearing it indoors; you look like an idiot, you have admitted hair failure.* Also not great if you have lots of hair.

Stocking Caps
Great: if you are robbing the place. Or if there is a snow fight.
Not great: in a bank.

Ear Muffs
Great: if you have really "bangin" hair. Want everyone to know how fabulous you look.
Not great: If you are trying to exude heterosexuality.

Face Masks (for winter)
Great: If you are a ninja.
Not great: in all other circumstances. If it is too cold for you to walk outside without your face completely covered, you should probably just stay home with your mom that day.

Sunglasses
Great: when you are driving.*
Not great: when you are indoors. You literally placed the word "tool" in my head.

Headband
Great: If you have so much hair that it will cover your face entirely otherwise.
Not great: if you are trying to look cool; it didn't work.*

Bandanna:
Great: If you are a big guy with hair. Kinda jealous of how badass it makes you look.
Not great: Bald guys, we know you're bald, we can see through the little holes in the back of the bandanna.

Wrist Bands, Bicep Bands
Great: never, this will always make you look like a giant tool.
Not great: always, see above.*

Bracelets
Great: if you want to disguise your tiny girl wrists.*
Not great: If they shine in any way or form.

Watches
Great: if you can manage not to lose them.
Not great: if you've ever left one in the yard and had it run over by a lawnmower.*

Leather Gloves
Great: when you are committing a felony.
Not great: when you are trying to appear like you aren't committing a felony.*

Livestrong bands
Great: If you bought them to support a good cause.
Not great: If you wear more than one.*

Necklace
Great: if you have ONE necklace, and you wear it with all things.*
Not great: if you have many that you match with your "outfits".

Headphones
Great: If you're absolutely positive that you don't want anyone to talk/interact with you.
Not great: If you're trying to look slightly social. Big negative here to people with actual headphones(not earbuds). That's right, I'm making fun of you while you are looking at me, but you'll never be sure.

BUSINESS ACCESSORIES

Colored Handkerchief
Great: if you have one to match all your shirts.
Not great: If you actually use it...gross.

Pocket Watch
Great: If you want to impress the Mr. Monopoly, or Mr. Peanut.
Not great: If that's your actual timekeeping device. You're like, 3 centuries behind buddy.

Cell Phone Clip
Great: ...can't say I can see an upside to this.
Not great: pretty much all the time, if you're cell phone is still so big you require a clip, you should probably think about upgrading to the 2000 model.

Blue Tooth
Great: if you're a terrorist coordinating global events, but still want to be free to masturbate.
Not great: Either be a man and drive with one hand, or join the secret service. If you wear one around other people, then there is a presumption that you are a tool that you will be forced to rebut somehow(preferably by buying lots of drinks with the money you made being so "efficient").