Get your asshole brother out of here...

Quick Thought: Which word came first? Asshole or Hassle?

Brief

Does anyone else get a strange enjoyment out of walking through doorways about to close without touching the door? Something about doing no work and screwing over the next person to walk through makes it fun for me.

Stupid Penis Drugs

That Enzyte Guy really bothers me. Are we supposed to believe that he took these pills and his penis grew? Or is he just finally able to get an erection? They always show his wife like she's the happiest person alive, but if she had been dealing with a limp dude and his depression I can see how she'd be happy now that he could finally bring his 45 seconds of thunder. I mean, if these pills really made your penis bigger, wouldn't the doctor give you them during your checkup? It'd be negligence not to right? If they really make your junk fuller, why do they offer a sample pack? Do you have to use it like constantly? Will it shrink if you only take the sample pack and then stop? Will your junk get just a little bigger? How does the pill know when to stop making it bigger? Does it make you permanently smile? Does that guy have suggestive phallic symbols all over his home to remind people that he MAY be huge now? He should have his own show that gets canceled after one week so we can learn these things. Anyway, that commercial has been on like 5 times during hockey(or twice, but let me have my hyperbole) and it's been bugging me. So if anybody's taking it, you can just answer the questions in the comments. I'm sure one or two of the foreigners or people who come here thinking we have porn might know.

Writer's Block...and Hate

I couldn't really think of too much exciting things to talk about today. Just finished a class talking about segregation in which we had a 5 minute discussion relating segregated schools and gender-specific bathrooms, culminating in the professor saying, "I think you are overstating people's dislike for defecating in front of the other gender." Or something to that effect. All I could think of then was the various levels of Carl...or whatever you call it. I think Pat explained something involving a glass table, but I could have been drunk. In sum, it probably was an overstatement, because some people DO like to defecate in front of the other gender.

On a different note, I was thinking during this same class about my irrational hate of one student. We share a first name, and that is all I know about him personally. But I don't like him. I don't know why, for some reason whenever he talks immediately my mind jumps to, "what's this asshole saying now?" I guess it could be related to my natural dislike for people who share my name. You know how you feel entitled to that name, and then someone similarly monikered comes by and now you have to call him by your name(awkward) and then you get the mistaken identity head swivel when someone says his name. Really annoying. If you both refuse to be called by something different...then you just have to kill that person or make up a degrading nickname for him so he won't come by you anymore. Anyway, that's probably enough stream of consciousness for today, I gotta go back to figuring out proper federal jurisdiction.
Oh, and next time you're too tired/lazy to have sex, maybe you can move for a forum non conveniens with your girl/guy...you never know, it might work.


For those of you not hip on latin...it means inconvenient forum...i know, go figure.

Year in Review - TV

So, since I watch alot of television, I figured it'd be my duty to provide you with my thoughts concerning the current seasons of television shows that I watch.

Monday

24 - I actually haven't really been watching 24 that much. I know that seems blasphemous, but I think it may just be a better show to watch on DVD. But, anything that can get unite large sweaty men(sans Pat and I, we are neither large, nor "men", nor sweaty in pat's case) into a small cramped room over an entire weekend day deserves it's own praise.

Heroes - I'm actually quite addicted to Heroes at the moment. It definitely grew on me after I watched the first 12 episodes consecutively one evening over Christmas break. Although, I am having trouble relating to the fact that EVERYONE on the show wishes to keep his power a secret. I'd be showing that shit off to everybody. And now that Ari's old boss is the "big bad...bad guy" I am a little more excited. He still wouldn't scare me into not flying around if I could though.

If you are watching "comedies" on CBS while these shows air...we cannot be friends...ever...I mean it.

Tuesday

House - Kind of a weak day of the week for TV shows. House has been OK this year, the whole storyline about the cop trying to bust House for being a drug user because House anally probed him was kind of annoying. Hopefully they'll get somewhere good with this show, it's kind of meandering.

Wednesday

Friday Night Lights - I've been enjoying this one, but only as a show that I like, but do not HAVE to watch. It has its moments, but it hasn't reached the status where I don't mind missing a week as long as I read the recap. I actually wish it was more about football. Still better than the movie.

Lost - Lost is less than 10 episodes into the season, so it's hard to judge here. I know alot of people are bitching because they don't answer all of our questions, but...come on, if you enjoy watching the show, then you should realize they can't answer the questions and keep the show going. People who like a show but want it to end are lame...I don't abide by that. As long as it's entertaining, prolong it all you want I say. There's too much crap on TV for me to wish the shows I enjoy would end.

Thursday

The Office - Pretty bad ass this year. To be honest, I'm glad Jim and Pam aren't together, I think it would completely ruin the show. The upcoming episodes sound pretty sweet, including one where Michael is wearing a woman's suit unknowingly. Andy's coming back too.

Scrubs - Incredibly disappointing this season. Don't know what else to say.

Friday -

Psych - This would be my second favorite new show. The mysteries usually are sucky, but I enjoy the characters. You can see that my steam is already running out for this entry, and I've only been typing for 8 minutes.


PS: If you're a sci-fi nerd(pat) I suggest downloading the first(and only) season of Firefly. It's pretty good. Whores and spaceships and cowboys.

And, speaking of whores, I will leave you with this exchange from the greatest television show ever made,
Gob: Well, gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be mom.
Buster: She's better looking than the whores you date!
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it! Stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!
Michael: It's just mom and whores.

I Hate My Voice

I was thinking about this on my way home from Zionsville before I almost hit a deer(who knew they didn't hibernate in the winter?). The thought came about due to another thing that I have a problem with (which I think might be related to the first problem). I was listening to a voice memo on my phone when I realized that I can't stand the sound of my own voice. It causes me to wonder how other people could ever respect what I am saying(assuming that they do).

I mean, if I was listening to somebody else who sounded like that voice on the phone, I would probably tune him out, or at least miss some of what he was saying because I was thinking about how annoying I find his voice. I also wondered if alot of people have this same affliction (not GOB, and this is really who I first thought of, so maybe I have a problem with my attachment to TV characters). I contemplated that my own personal hell (if I believed in such a thing) would probably be watching myself do embarrassing things, while listening to me doing a narration of such events. It also made me wonder how embarrassing it would be if people could hear your inner monologue, then I thought of Austin Powers and realized I wouldn't be able to take a funnier angle, so I let that thought go.

My second problem(alluded to earlier) is that I quite often forget when I make a mental note to myself to do something. In fact, as I was raiding the pantry at home I made 2 notes. 1) Don't forget to take Mellencamp's guitar out of the trunk and 2) Don't forget to take this food with you when you leave. So naturally, 15 minutes on my way back to the condo, I realize that I don't have any food with me, but I do have a guitar in the trunk. This is a common problem for me(forgetting, not having guitars in the trunk). I was actually leaving the voice memo because I had thought of something important for my paper, but I knew I would forget it if I did not record it in some form. So after listening to the sound of my voice (as noted above) I wondered if my own disdain for my voice caused my brain to tune out my notes to self. Wouldn't that be fucked up?

MORAL: I have no goldfish now...suck.

PS: If you don't like all of the parentheses(suck it).



Coming Soon: Things I learned in College(Not Engineering, those secrets aren't for the weak)

My Theory of Constructive Ridiculing

So I was sitting on the bus yesterday, and I was thinking, whose genetic flaws will I make fun of in my mind next when a kid whose eyes were WAY too close together walked onto the bus. So I chuckled in my mind but then I started thinking, how dumb is that? Making fun of something about a person that is impossible for them to change is not productive. It's like, how many times has someone called me short and I've thought, "Wow, that really hurt, that really went right to my insecurity about my inability to grow..." I mean, how stupid is it when you make fun of someone for being what they are? I mean, if I say something stupid because I'm running my mouth, of course I expect to be ridiculed. But if I hit myself in the head because I just allowed a goal in NHL 07 and it's messing with my goalies season stats, well, I can't help that, it's like a reflex or some shit. Might as well ask me to stop looking at myself in the mirror. (Although that is kind of different, you don't just walk past great works of art without admiring them, it's rude.)

What I should of thought was, "Hey kid, you're an undergrad at IU, you probably haven't read a real book since Dr. Seuss became too blase for you. I can't wait til you come to me for legal advice because you want to sue the doctor who removed the shampoo bottle that "accidentally" got stuck up your ass."

You see, that would have some benefit for him. By pointing out that he is lacking in something that he can fix, stupidity, rather than something he cannot, ugliness, I am benefiting society. Of course, if he were less ugly I could be more efficient by being able to look right past him and move on to someone more in need of my "advice," but that's probably thinking on too micro of a scale. In closing, I bring you this famous quote, "You don't throw stones at big tortoises because they're slow moving rock impersonators; you throw stones at big tortoises because they are not living up to their teenage mutant ninja turtle potential."


Sorry, I felt this needed some multimedia, and I love this picture.

Early Morning Musings

• Punter fight? More or less exciting than a goalie fight. I say more.
• I overheard an IU football player tell someone on the bus that if they play their best every game, they'll go 12-0...wow. I can only imagine that would be the equivalent of me saying, "If I do my best, I could kill a hungry tiger with my bear hands."
• Media Week has probably never been less anticipated. I think the most exciting thing that might happen is that Dungy And Lovie might get caught tonguing in the endzone.
• Hockey's back on tonight, in case you were wondering.
• I've been flushing my toilet with a coat hanger recently.
• Called a girl a "fatty" in my head today because she slowed the bus for 2 seconds while she was getting out of her car that had stopped right in front of us...that was probably impatient, although to my credit she should probably exercise more for her long term health.
• I'm pretty much doing this to avoid starting some homework. I don't know when blue book citation lost its pizazz.
• I noticed our site traffic had a dip in it yesterday, perhaps we need to start planning what we're going to do for "sweeps." If anyone is willing to volunteer to be killed off, I think we could grab some huge numbers that way.
• Speaking of grabbing huge things...nevermind, I didn't grab anything huge recently.
• I probably shouldn't giggle about having "oral argument" later this semester right?
• We're learning about relativity of title in Property Law. For example: There is a group of people at a restaurant who are finished eating. Sojo calls phi's on all of the remaining food. While this does not give Sojo the right to eat food that is claimed by the original owner, his right to the unclaimed food is greater than say, Chad's, who called phi's shortly thereafter as man-pride and dominance establishment law dictated.
• Chad, we would all enjoy a discourse by you on the various nuances of dominance establishment.
  
• Finally, I firmly believe the word "chathlete" should find it's way into the lexicon. I propose that it stands for someone who is deceptively athletic.
• I almost broke my keyboard with my iron fists of tyranny. [updated]
  

Musings on Personal Growth and Interaction (insert your own penis joke)

What is it about us that makes us feel the need to constantly belittle other people? Does it make us feel better about ourselves? Why is it that everything that we find funny needs to happen at someone else's expense? The Diesel and I discussed this the other day.

I myself am a very bad perpetrator of this habit. I often laugh at other people's expense, even if I know that it might hurt them. I make jokes at other people's expense. And while often I try to make my slights only about less trivial or false matters, the fact of the matter is that doesn't make what I do any less mean spirited. I find myself often noting that someone has crossed the line in his rudeness, when in reality that line has been created in my head for the person being made fun of. It's very possible that the person being made fun of felt the line was crossed much before that. I think that often we perpetuate the fallacy that what we believe is acceptable is the same as that for other people.

Let's be honest; no one (fetishes aside) likes to be made fun of. I personally don't enjoy it very much and often go to fairly large lengths to avoid the occurrence. I can recall many times in high school when I actively made decisions solely based on other people's possible reactions and words. We all even have our own mechanisms for deflecting or reducing how much and what people make fun of us for. Some people simply make fun of themselves about the things that they are embarrassed or already sensitive about in hopes that by doing so others will focus less on such easy targets. Others simply do not respond or just laugh along with the jokes hoping that the others will simply move along to their next target quickly. Finally some choose to immediately strike back at the taunter with equal or more venom, which usually only provokes the original prodder to think of more inventive and cruel jests. Whichever way you choose to deal with it, it should be obvious to others that you are not in fact kosher with what is being said about you.

So if we feel this way, why do we continue to bad mouth and poke fun at our friends and fellow human beings? Obviously we get some enjoyment from it, and I have heard from sources that laughter is a panacea of sorts. Is it that we are not all inherently funny enough to amuse each other in less destructive ways? Is that why some people latch on to one joke and ride it into the ground? (That's a post for another time but it gives me an excuse to post a picture) Do we simply not care unless we ourselves are the butt of the jokes? Or is it our general lack of self-confidence that we feel we need to cut everyone else down so that they can feel as we do?

Seriously, stop beatin' it. (Only applies to jokes; otherwise it's healthy, and good for grip strength.)

This gets to a deeper problem. How do I make things right? I don't consider myself a particularly mean person, but I am no saint either. I have gotten to the point where often I find myself saying mean things about strangers in my head when no one I know is around. These thoughts are obviously for someone's amusement, but I don't find them particularly funny. Had a friend been around perhaps with the right inflection and timing they might chuckle; but usually what happens is immediately I wonder to myself what good that thought just did. Am I so shallow that my first thoughts about everyone is what makes them suck? Am I just anti-humanity? Perhaps I am mentally preparing myself for a verbal onslaught from them about what they perceive to be my faults? I don't know, but it's disturbing to me every time.

These thoughts have brought me to an experiment I have thought up but have yet to decide to implement.

What would happen if I resolved to not make fun of anyone (to a person or about a person)? How long until I began to feel superior to other people who do make fun of people? (My guess is less than a week moral superiority would start to creep in, most likely of the false variety) Would my friends still find me amusing? Would I myself start feeling less self-conscious? Would I still find myself constantly thinking of how I find other people lacking?

There's a smug cloud a brewin'.

Anyway, it's something I've been pondering for a while.

P.S. If you didn't make it all the way to here you're an idiot and I'm better than you because I can read.