I'm So Good at Procrastinating, I Wrote This a Week Ago and am Now Just Posting It

As I'm sitting here in the computer lab doing everything I can to not write my paper, I realized something I'm really good at. Procrastination. Someone once said, and I believe it was Mark Twain, "Procrastination is like masturbation... in the end you are only fucking yourself." Ummm, that seems like it is supposed to have negative connotations, but for some reason I only think thats even more of a reason to procrastinate. Because, I believe it was another scholar, a Mr. Maggart that once said, "I'd rather jerk off and fall asleep then have sex and cuddle." Well put Mr. Maggart, well put. Anyways, below, I compiled a list of how you can actively procrastinate.

Its sad really...

Search the Internet
Nothing wastes more time in the world than surfing the information highway known as the internet... or as I like to call it, the International Porn Station. (IPS for short). There is literally anything you want to find on there. Just the other day I found a girl with two heads trying to find a date to prom. I was captivated. My only question was, does that count as a threesome for the guy that hooks up with her/them? Perhaps it would be a two and a half some... interesting.

Grandparent Porn... if this rooms a rockin, it's probably just a chair...

Clean your room
Yes, I know this sounds like a mothers idea, but seriously it works like a charm. Not only are you getting all of your Star Wars action figures in thier right places once again after acting out the battle of Hoth for the 9th time this week, but you don't have to feel bad about procrastinating. Atleast you are doing something productive right?

You may just want to touch it up...

Do A Friend Check
One of my favorite tactics. I like to wander around and see if any of my friends are around possibly looking to procrastinate as well. Remember... two procrastinators are always better than one, its not lonely and you also can come up with creative ways to not do work. However, if you live alone, you may say, Diesel, what about me? I've already thought ahead. Go to neighboring houses and knock on doors, then proceed to ask for usefless stuff like hammers, extra screws, duct tape, maybe a step stool. Not only does this take up time, but the stuff is so small, perhaps your neighbors will forget about it and then think, FREE HAMMER!

Here's some free hammer for you... love those pants...

Watch TV
This is a tricky one, because the whole point of procrastinating is to do something that makes you feel as if you are NOT wasting time, when in fact you are. The trick to TV is that for every 5 minutes of PTI you watch, you have to watch atleast one minute of the Discovery Channel. This way, when someone says what you did today, you don't just quote Woody Paige in claiming that Kobe is not a team player. Besides, the Discovery Channel is pretty clutch, I mean, Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, How Things Are Made, those shows can put you in a trance for hours and they are meant to be educational... way to go procrastinator!

Ahhh, the old boob tube

Well, I'm sure you all have many other options, but because even this is taking away from my procrastination time, I have to end it, so remember your 5:1 TV ratios and also when borrowing from neighbors, keep it small and simple so they will forget easily, don't take their riding lawnmower in other words. So until next time, whenever that may be, take care and good luck in your procrastiventures.

P.S. - When lookin for pictures in a computer lab, it is unwise to search for Internet Porn while people are around... they tend to give you weird looks, or so I hear

What Happened?

Sorry that this is my first post in a while. I know all(both) of you have been wasting valuable time clicking and being disappointed. Today I would like to address the issue of gayness. Not like same sex "doing it" or anything like that. I mean the culture of gayness that has enveloped us.

For example, I used to have absolutely no interest in clothes beyond the fact that I had a well-established rule with my mom that I could wear shorts as long as the paper said it was going to be at least 50 degrees outside. That was it. My entire focus on wardrobe consisted of:
(1) Making sure that I didn't have to wear jeans. Fuck Jeans, they suck for basketball and they are pants.
(2) Not getting too sweaty. That's why windbreaker outfits were fucking badass. Why is it that now only old people and mobsters get to wear those things and not feel awkward? Why can't I wear those?
(3) Being able to play sports at any moment's notice.

That was it. I wasn't worried about belts, or whether they matched my shoes. I wasn't worried about whether a shirt made me look tall/skinny/fat/dumpy/smurfish. But now, it's all changed. The gayness has affected me deeply. I only shop at certain places now because the other ones are "lame." I only own 3 shirts that have athletic teams/players on them. And I would never wear them to school. HELL, I EVEN WORRY ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR TO WORKOUT IN. That's right, I worry about how I'm going to look when I'm COVERED in sweat. Not today though, today I chose to wear my purple Royal Highlander to work out in, but I still wouldn't wear it to school.

But maybe I have made a mistake. Maybe it's not the gays that have made me more fashion conscious. In fact, the more I think about it, the less I can really blame it on them. Because I thought that I was dressing more grownup/fashionable in high school, but whenever I see those clothes I can only think about how god awful ugly they were. Of course back then I couldn't even contemplate wearing a shirt that cost more than $20. And I brought those same clothes to college. So if it's not the gay culture that got me, then what is it? There can be only one person to blame for this, and his name is Sojo.

That's right, the value of my wardrobe has increased in direct proportion to the time I've known Sojo. As he developed his metrosexual flavor, as did it rub off on me. I've even prepared this graph:


If you have any conflicting/explaining theories, feel free to place them in the comments.