There are so many stories I can tell about Panama. People hooking up with high schoolers or me getting drunk and peeing on a girl but I think this picture of Beno just does the trip justice.
I spell hot, H-A-I-R-Y. Please, no masturbating. Please.
In an attempt to butch it up a bit this week, I am going to go over my thoughts about the NBA real quick:
This year has sucked...alot. I guess if you were a fan of a the Suns or the Mavs, this year would be pretty sweet. Or if you were a Pistons fan(although you and Satan and Coconut Monkey are probably too busy betting souls during Strip Yahtzee to notice). But for pretty much everyone else it has kinda blown. I mean, you Bulls fans can pretend to be excited...but it's pretty hard to win a Championship without Michael Jordan or a post scorer.
And then there's my team, the Pacers.
I've known from the beginning of the year that the Pacers were not going to be anything special. Sans Larry Bird showing up light(weight not skin tone) and rarin' to go, we were not going to wow anyone. Another season of placid mediocrity interspersed with brawls and suspensions was all I really had to look forward to. Of course then we had the Stephen Jackson - Three Finger showdown, followed by the infamous saloon incident. Squished in between was the attempt at a whitewash. OK, now everything is underlined and I don't know how to get rid of it...deal with it, I'm running out of time as it is. The main point is I learned shortly that the draft class was supposed to be pretty sweet this year, so secretly I hoped for us to suck...monkey balls. Of course we promptly managed to swindle our way to five games above .500, meaning we were miles ahead in the playoff race for the 6th seed. Of course all mediocre things must come to an end, so we then turned on the brakes and are presently on our way to the Lottery after losing 11 of 12 right? WRONG on two fronts. Not only are we tied for the last spot in the East, positioning ourselves for our yearly "Ass Pistoning", but we traded our first rounder(top 10 protected) for AL HARRINGTON, who managed to make it 30 games before everyone remembered we traded him because he is a black hole(in layman's terms "ball goes in....never comes back"). So now we have to suck even harder just to get to keep the pick, which will no doubt result in us not making the playoffs, but getting the 11th pick, which will be quickly shuffled off so that we can be stuck with an even shittier team next year. DAMNIT. Good luck reading that with all the underlines.
That Enzyte Guy really bothers me. Are we supposed to believe that he took these pills and his penis grew? Or is he just finally able to get an erection? They always show his wife like she's the happiest person alive, but if she had been dealing with a limp dude and his depression I can see how she'd be happy now that he could finally bring his 45 seconds of thunder. I mean, if these pills really made your penis bigger, wouldn't the doctor give you them during your checkup? It'd be negligence not to right? If they really make your junk fuller, why do they offer a sample pack? Do you have to use it like constantly? Will it shrink if you only take the sample pack and then stop? Will your junk get just a little bigger? How does the pill know when to stop making it bigger? Does it make you permanently smile? Does that guy have suggestive phallic symbols all over his home to remind people that he MAY be huge now? He should have his own show that gets canceled after one week so we can learn these things. Anyway, that commercial has been on like 5 times during hockey(or twice, but let me have my hyperbole) and it's been bugging me. So if anybody's taking it, you can just answer the questions in the comments. I'm sure one or two of the foreigners or people who come here thinking we have porn might know.
I couldn't really think of too much exciting things to talk about today. Just finished a class talking about segregation in which we had a 5 minute discussion relating segregated schools and gender-specific bathrooms, culminating in the professor saying, "I think you are overstating people's dislike for defecating in front of the other gender." Or something to that effect. All I could think of then was the various levels of Carl...or whatever you call it. I think Pat explained something involving a glass table, but I could have been drunk. In sum, it probably was an overstatement, because some people DO like to defecate in front of the other gender.
On a different note, I was thinking during this same class about my irrational hate of one student. We share a first name, and that is all I know about him personally. But I don't like him. I don't know why, for some reason whenever he talks immediately my mind jumps to, "what's this asshole saying now?" I guess it could be related to my natural dislike for people who share my name. You know how you feel entitled to that name, and then someone similarly monikered comes by and now you have to call him by your name(awkward) and then you get the mistaken identity head swivel when someone says his name. Really annoying. If you both refuse to be called by something different...then you just have to kill that person or make up a degrading nickname for him so he won't come by you anymore. Anyway, that's probably enough stream of consciousness for today, I gotta go back to figuring out proper federal jurisdiction.
Oh, and next time you're too tired/lazy to have sex, maybe you can move for a forum non conveniens with your girl/guy...you never know, it might work.
For those of you not hip on latin...it means inconvenient forum...i know, go figure.
Patrick Sharp
#10 Right wing for the Chicago Blackhawks
6-1 197lbs
Scores this season: 15
Most Memorable Moment: Being selected in the second round by the Tampa Bay lightning.
Patrick SharpStealing a gimmick from the Sports Guy, I'm going to recap some of Spring Break events using quotes from a movie none of you have seen (but should if you enjoy GOB) "Let's Go to Prison."
I won't go to in depth because you can no doubt get a much better account in person from Poppe, Chad or Colbert.
"We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk. " - I'll relate this one to one of the pratfalls of an extended trip with guys, the horny guys stuck in one room who haven't "relaxed" in a while.
"It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you. " - This one has nothing to do with masturbation...promise. I guess this could relate most closely to our complete lack of winnings. Although I did pull in a clean $8.00 from the slots.
"We're doin' it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?" - On Thursday, from 5:30 a.m. to 8:00p.m. Chad was awake for what I believe is 3 hours...on Spring Break, in Vegas. Although his surprise that he was no longer hungover at EIGHT PM! was pretty sweet.
"I'll buy this place and burn this place to the ground." - Only Colbert can do this because he's independently wealthy.
Ok, so that was all I could find, and I don't have the movie with me presently, so you'll have to settle for other GOB lines now.
"It's better than being treated like the goofball... the joker... the magician" - A group of young college aged kids do not get a whole lot of respect in Vegas. Colbert was not happy about waiting 2 hours for more towels. I was not happy about being made fun of by Stahl's cousin, "Crystal". Plus I got carded by everyone, including a vicious staredown by a cocktail waitress who remembered me from the night before only after I ordered a rum and diet coke, which I can only imagine means she wrote "pussy" next to my order.
"Well, we did have sex...and I'm not a great liar." - Figure that one out yourself.
"Attention, everyone! Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee! Don’t worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas." - This one goes out to the gentlemen's club we visited. I'm pretty sure "gulch" should never be used in the title...of anything, although somehow it captured the atmosphere pretty well. Props to Diesel for not reflexively hitting the stripper who licked his hand.
"(about the hot cops) These guys are pros, Michael. They're gonna push the tension 'til the last possible moment before they strip." - This one is for the advertisement for "The Thunder Down Under", to which Colbert unfailingly pointed out his favorite each time we passed.
"Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons, the lawyer... If you're heading for Portugal it's due south." - This one goes out to Daniel on Family Feud, the comedic highlight of someday (It's actually very hard to distinguish the days, i guess that's what happens when you get 12 hours of drunk sleep spread out over 4 nights), whose response to "name a word that comes after 'dirty'" responded "um.......um.....like....[3 seconds]....um.....BIKE!"
OK, that's all I've got for now, I've gotta read and do law stuffs. Plus I got tired of searching for quotes...no I didn't, I could do that all day. Anyway, tienen un buen dia! Don't forget to vote in our new unfunny poll!
