A Few Ground Rules...

Alright, you can see that we have some new additions to this magical piece of literature. Let me start by laying a few ground rules.

Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-blog $*#ing, or #$@ing, or finger-#%*#ing, or #*%ing, or $#*ing, or even *#&$, even though so many people at this blog are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my quote box, I'll take off my pants, I'll shave my #%#, and I'll personally *&^%*(^(*&^&%$%.

Under my tutelage, you might all be able to become successful executives...working for this guy.



OK, Finally, Don't ever take up all the urinals when I'm trying to use the restroom.

Year in Review - TV

So, since I watch alot of television, I figured it'd be my duty to provide you with my thoughts concerning the current seasons of television shows that I watch.

Monday

24 - I actually haven't really been watching 24 that much. I know that seems blasphemous, but I think it may just be a better show to watch on DVD. But, anything that can get unite large sweaty men(sans Pat and I, we are neither large, nor "men", nor sweaty in pat's case) into a small cramped room over an entire weekend day deserves it's own praise.

Heroes - I'm actually quite addicted to Heroes at the moment. It definitely grew on me after I watched the first 12 episodes consecutively one evening over Christmas break. Although, I am having trouble relating to the fact that EVERYONE on the show wishes to keep his power a secret. I'd be showing that shit off to everybody. And now that Ari's old boss is the "big bad...bad guy" I am a little more excited. He still wouldn't scare me into not flying around if I could though.

If you are watching "comedies" on CBS while these shows air...we cannot be friends...ever...I mean it.

Tuesday

House - Kind of a weak day of the week for TV shows. House has been OK this year, the whole storyline about the cop trying to bust House for being a drug user because House anally probed him was kind of annoying. Hopefully they'll get somewhere good with this show, it's kind of meandering.

Wednesday

Friday Night Lights - I've been enjoying this one, but only as a show that I like, but do not HAVE to watch. It has its moments, but it hasn't reached the status where I don't mind missing a week as long as I read the recap. I actually wish it was more about football. Still better than the movie.

Lost - Lost is less than 10 episodes into the season, so it's hard to judge here. I know alot of people are bitching because they don't answer all of our questions, but...come on, if you enjoy watching the show, then you should realize they can't answer the questions and keep the show going. People who like a show but want it to end are lame...I don't abide by that. As long as it's entertaining, prolong it all you want I say. There's too much crap on TV for me to wish the shows I enjoy would end.

Thursday

The Office - Pretty bad ass this year. To be honest, I'm glad Jim and Pam aren't together, I think it would completely ruin the show. The upcoming episodes sound pretty sweet, including one where Michael is wearing a woman's suit unknowingly. Andy's coming back too.

Scrubs - Incredibly disappointing this season. Don't know what else to say.

Friday -

Psych - This would be my second favorite new show. The mysteries usually are sucky, but I enjoy the characters. You can see that my steam is already running out for this entry, and I've only been typing for 8 minutes.


PS: If you're a sci-fi nerd(pat) I suggest downloading the first(and only) season of Firefly. It's pretty good. Whores and spaceships and cowboys.

And, speaking of whores, I will leave you with this exchange from the greatest television show ever made,
Gob: Well, gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be mom.
Buster: She's better looking than the whores you date!
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it! Stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!
Michael: It's just mom and whores.

NEW POLL!

There is a new poll for the week. I made this post since I figured you wouldn't look at the poll otherwise. So have fun, don't forget, some people refer to their penis as a "pole", which is a homophone for poll, so you could get a lot of good penis jokes in there. (I just giggled cuz I imagined that sentence without "jokes" in it. Jokes the word, cuz the sentence as a whole is a joke and a damned good one.)

I Hate My Voice

I was thinking about this on my way home from Zionsville before I almost hit a deer(who knew they didn't hibernate in the winter?). The thought came about due to another thing that I have a problem with (which I think might be related to the first problem). I was listening to a voice memo on my phone when I realized that I can't stand the sound of my own voice. It causes me to wonder how other people could ever respect what I am saying(assuming that they do).

I mean, if I was listening to somebody else who sounded like that voice on the phone, I would probably tune him out, or at least miss some of what he was saying because I was thinking about how annoying I find his voice. I also wondered if alot of people have this same affliction (not GOB, and this is really who I first thought of, so maybe I have a problem with my attachment to TV characters). I contemplated that my own personal hell (if I believed in such a thing) would probably be watching myself do embarrassing things, while listening to me doing a narration of such events. It also made me wonder how embarrassing it would be if people could hear your inner monologue, then I thought of Austin Powers and realized I wouldn't be able to take a funnier angle, so I let that thought go.

My second problem(alluded to earlier) is that I quite often forget when I make a mental note to myself to do something. In fact, as I was raiding the pantry at home I made 2 notes. 1) Don't forget to take Mellencamp's guitar out of the trunk and 2) Don't forget to take this food with you when you leave. So naturally, 15 minutes on my way back to the condo, I realize that I don't have any food with me, but I do have a guitar in the trunk. This is a common problem for me(forgetting, not having guitars in the trunk). I was actually leaving the voice memo because I had thought of something important for my paper, but I knew I would forget it if I did not record it in some form. So after listening to the sound of my voice (as noted above) I wondered if my own disdain for my voice caused my brain to tune out my notes to self. Wouldn't that be fucked up?

MORAL: I have no goldfish now...suck.

PS: If you don't like all of the parentheses(suck it).



Coming Soon: Things I learned in College(Not Engineering, those secrets aren't for the weak)

This One is for The Ladies

I think that covers the basics of "The Game" too, right?

The Tipping Point

This is how I will be lazy from this point forth:

What should BAC do this weekend?
Work, Work, Work. Prepare myself for 80 hour work weeks by refusing to sleep/have fun on weekends.
That 82 game season of NHL 2007 isn't going to finish itself either (discounting simulation of course).
Drink alone, write letter to Homeowner's Association concerning the lack of list parties.
Challenge myself to drinking competition...lose.
Take shot for every goal scored against me while playing NHL 2007, break Playstation when Patrick Sharp of the Blackhawks scores OT game winner.
Wake up at 3:00 a.m., make fake sex sounds til neighbors wake up, go back to sleep.
Current results

See, now I don't have to be writer when I'm feeling uninspired. I can put my lack of creativity into poll format. So much easier.

Apropos of nothing ... who the hell says that anyway? If you are going to say this, you might as well say what you really mean which is, "I'm tired of talking about your boring subject, so I am going to take command of the conversation and talk about what I want to talk about."

Anyway, interesting dilemma happened to me 2 weekends ago. It was about 7:00 am on Saturday I think when I heard the unmistakable noise of someone falling down stairs just outside my window. As it was very icy out, this was not completely unexpected, but I did not know what the proper protocol was for such a situation. Am I supposed to
1) go outside and see if she needs help?
2) chuckle and go back to sleep?
3) wait til she screams for help then repeat choosing between 1) and 2)? or,
4) Poke E, tell her somebody outside needs help, go back to sleep?

The problem I had was, if I had fallen down the icy stairs, I think I would prefer that no one come look(laugh) at me until I asked for help. So needless to say I chose option 2.

That's not my trick...it's my INVENTION!

The walk to class is lonely I've been listening to comedians lately in order to not only have some human conversation played out in my head but also be the creepy laughing kid walking just a touch to close behind you (it's because I'm trying to smell your hair). Today's choice of jokesmith was David Cross which was hard to listen to and walk. Though it wasn't nearly as hard as talking my internet girlfriend into her third straight cyber-bortion.* He eventually went to his kick on bagging on inventions but instead of laughing I began to think of inventions which would assist me in my pursuit of perfection. I know that people spend a lot of time on things that help out like 1% of the population, cool climbing gear and iron lungs come to mind, so I think it is only fair that the lives of the 99% of us left should be improved. I will now give all of you (or single you) my list of the 10 most necessary inventions. They will more than likely go from most obvious to least obvious unless I zone out.

1. Cure the damn hangover
-This one would help everyone who is worth actually knowing. I know we have pills on the market that help right now but they say they only work after around four drinks. Oh, you actually get hungover after four drinks (as in what doctors call drinks, not Stacks)? Fag. I need for drinks to actually get me in the mood to start drinking at times. I've also been told many wives tales about drink tomato juice or crushing the flower on top of Mount Doom into a powder and snorting it. These are total bullshit. Make a pill that makes me feel better. You could probably use a name that is synonymous with feeling better. Medicine. (I know I could just not drink so much but A) I'm in college B) much of the list involves my alcohol "problem"C) normally the kind of girls who hook up with me are only cute while I'm competely lit and the ones who are cute I meet at the bars)

2. Cure the damn COMMON cold
-This isn't as much for me as it is for EVERYONE. Sure AIDs sucks, but is it called the common AIDs. Nope. Pump some of the money into cold research. Cure the damn cold so I can't stop hearing people sniffle and gross me out in class. Please. Also, we could pretty much rid the world of handkerchiefs (I spelled this out and thought I was mentally and physically retarded, it is actually right) which I can agree with BAC that they are disgusting.

3. Food pills.
-I'm a fan of eating about once a day. This is time consuming for me and I would much rather spend my time...I don't know what I would do with more time but I could spend it not eating.

4. Hover board from Back to the Future
-Has there EVER been a person who saw the hover board and didn't immediately refuse to live without one? I would kill an infant for a hover board.

5. Motorized walk ways
-I'm lazy. American is obese. Neither of us are changing. Let's just make it easier on everyone.

6. Super ability suits/pills
-I want to shoot lasers from my eyes while I fly around. People can say that I'm a child for still wanting super powers (sometimes when I wake up I test to make sure that I didn't develop abilities) but let me ask you one question. If someone offered you super powers would you say no? I would bet the lock of Beno's hair I keep in my pocket that no one would refuse super powers. I don't care if someone offered me the abilities of Aquaman. I would still be pumped and you would be jealous.

7. Phone breathalyzers
-Inventors figured out how to put these on cars and yet I have done much more damage with my phone then in my car. Drunk Pat thinks it is a great idea to not only call people but also to now text them. Sweet, as if I wasn't already embarrassing enough for others. The phone could even just give you the option of calling a cab instead of the call you wanted to make. I just solved the whole DUI issue. I know I'm not the only one out there so this is another one for everyone.

8. Anti-beer goggle contacts/glasses
-Some people can't see. I am not one of those people. Instead, I cannot "see" if a girl is attractive or not when I'm intoxicated beyond what some would call "humanly possible." People have made it so people can see, let's return the favor to me.

9. Eye lid tinting that makes it look like your eyes are open
-I'm actually writing most of this in a class where I would much rather be sleeping. I normally love this class (History 302-Global Implications of the Kennedy Assassination). I would actually say this is my favorite class I've ever taken. The problem is that sometimes in a young, college boy's life he drinks a little hard on a Wednesday and would like to sleep during lecture. This means that I need something that makes my eyes look like they are open when they are closed. Drawing eyes on your eye lids works from a distance but I want something that is 100% effective. I would also like this to not be permanent. Thanks.

10. BS alarm for class rooms
-This would just wait until people say things like "I can't remember where in the reading it was said, but...", "I saw this on the news yesterday...", or "studies show..." This would just rock the world of the kid who always has his hand up. I've done science and I know he/she are throwing out around 87.66 (repeating of course). A major plus to anyone who makes this and has the alarm be a giant fart. Wow, I'm a senior at a good (decent) college.

*Hopefully Joe Rogan doesn't read this...