To Hell and Back

I guess I'll start slow by providing some insightful experiences, and then moving own to my creative posts. To begin, I don't think the Leveraged Sellout's SB experience even rivals the personal hell I just got over. Lets recap.

Days 1-3:
I am at school...alone...in my apartment. Let me emphasis...Alone...not all the porn in the world could keep me entertained I listened to my Red Hot Chili Peppers DVDs at close to full volume. I did go out to the lifeless bars only to play pool with some townies who deem it necessary to bring their own cues, and had my drinks bought by a very wasted Purdue basketball player who happened to be the Subway Sub of the game, only to air ball his only shot. I also did the quarter bottle thing with a former fraternity brother, the grundle, who got so wasted so quickly I was left to finish two cases with an Asian chick who I would find later was married. I also took it upon myself to work on my fitness. The only people in the gym on SB are Asian or Indian. Why do these people take it upon themselves to make strangest noises when working out, I could barely concentrate as I admired my rock hard abs in all the open mirror space. I also noticed on multiple occasions that other people in the gym are using the equipment COMPLETELY WRONG. I have never done lat pull downs by putting on no weight on and pulling down at a rate of 10 reps a second while doing pregnancy breathing exercises.

Day 4:
Okay, enough is enough. So I drive to my sister’s place in Valpo. The only hi-light being my desperate attempt to get wasted at the local pub with another fraternity bro, who father is a rather important political figure in the region. Here I failed to follow the wise advise of B.J. Novak and ordered a $17 beer. That's right, not 9, 17 f*cking dollars. Granted it was a unique taste, it was not worth it; so I promptly order 2 $2 long islands and downed them to compensate for my lack of judgment.

Day 5:
I have given up, and am driving home. I go with a friend to the local bar the first night. I can count using my dick and testicles the number of people in the bar. I don't remember much else from this night because I got wasted. So wasted in fact that once I got home I began to use the pinball technique to guide myself to my room. *NOTE* this is not an effective maneuver and should not be attempted in full darkness. I should mention at this point that my room is located right next to an open stairwell that leads directly to my basement. So as I go to "bounce" of the nonexistent wall right before entering my room I realize for a spit second of my mistake and brace for impact. Nothing that transpired in the next few seconds in is anyway graceful...in fact I remember that my feet were at one point above my head. As I begin to settle in for sleep at the bottom of my stairs realizing that I had left one of my shoes and my dignity at the top of the stairs I am awoken by another noise. The bad part about drinking at home is that you have to deal with the "roommates" or parents. I don't remember exactly what my mother’s words were, only that the volume was too high considering it was 3 in the morning. If had to summarize...her point was along the lines of how could I have consumed enough alcohol to fall down the f*ckin stairs. Of course I am caught off guard, but react quickly by assuming this would make a great time to have a heart to heart conversation with my mother. After she puts me to bed on the basement couch, apparently she did not think I was fit to go up the stairs, I promptly pass out.

Day 6
Injuries were kept to a few rug burns and hurt pride. My "roommate" explains that she has taken the day off work and that we are going out for coffee. This is not good. I won't give details, except that I am a proud owner a brochure on Counseling & psychological services offered by my school. There are worse things than having a mother that thinks you’re an alcoholic, but I couldn't think of any at the time. To prove her wrong I promptly accept an invitation to kill a case of Old English 800 40oz from a friend. At one point we were are playing to world famous game of "Who can finish a 40oz faster." I of course won this, as there is not substitute for experience. At this point the bars sound like a great idea. Again, the number of people at this bar would only fill the dance floor at Brothers. This does not stop me from getting shit faced and making out with a chick I used to teach tennis to for 15 min. in the front of the bar. Kudos for her, since I am in the middle of growing out a beard. I decide going home at this point is not the best Idea so I sleep at my brohan's place.

Day 7 (St. Patrick’s Day)
Never come home hung-over and unshowered when your family is having friends over for lunch, it does look great on your character. I made up for this by showing and coming out only in a towel to make the introductions and conversations. I proceed to sleep for the ENTIRE day. This is not an exaggeration, I got up when my friend called to say he was going to the liquor store...right on time I thought. I get a sixer (taking it easy) of some Irish Brew and kill it while watching the IU game. The sad part about that game is not that IU only had 15 points at the half; it was that they were still in the game. Nice loss guys. The bar is next, hoping that the holiday will bring more people. The place is packed, and I am dressed rather festively for the holiday. I first finish some beer that I brought with me, and then proceed to do the double vodka tonic route. There is a live reggae band playing...b/c nothing says St. Patty's day like reggae...right? I proceed to have one of the craziest night in my life...how do I know? Because I was on the dace floor for a good portion of the night, and the New Jersey fist pump was my go to move, Thanks Dan. I ask around 4 separate ladies to marry me, to which they all said yes, so it was safe to say that everyone was in a similar state of mind. Although the night was unfruitful in terms of the ladies, I did have a good time telling everyone I saw from high school that I had just accepted that Derivatives Trading position with Goldman Sachs, which I would follow up by asking how the Verizon Kiosk job at the mall was going. Their reactions were priceless.


Day 8
I slept late and took my time packing. This was a time of reflection and wondering what I was going to tell people in classes when they all ask the same cliché question: How was your spring break? I think I'll tell them I was in a strange coma in the hospital, only to wake up in time for school to start. I think I smoked an entire back of cigarettes on the way back to school.

Worst SB Ever?

I was unfortunate enough to do nothing last week despite my regorious attempts to find a suitable warm weather location two days before Spring Break. Instead, I spend a week back in Park Ridge where I enjoyed such activities as golf, being cold (different day), drinking at home, watching endless college basketball, and spending unfair amounts of money at Chicago bars. However, I did come to some realizations:

1. Weed makes you unbelievably useless - Several friends I visited back home recently rented a house for several months in Park Ridge. No one rents a house in my suburb unless you are 40 and recently divorced or a wantabe child molester. I happened to walk into the basement to witness several once very driven, intelligent individuals standing around playing misc. musical instuments that played together was the worst music I've heard in a long time. (They would have disagreed considering they were baked as hell.) There were several cashed kegs, at least ten smoken pot bowls, and empty ciggarettes packs everywhere. I was told one of thier visitors had been there for 3 days and had not yet gone home. (He lives about a ten minute walk away.) These friends of mine were once engineers at U of I, a law school hopeful at Iowa, and a poli-sci student at U of Colorado (no suprise). After 4 years of smoking pot they all managed to fail out, some of them multiple schools, and find thier true calling living in the basement of a house stoned as hell 24/7. I can't say I have never been stoned before, (clearly all of you can call me out) but you would have to agree that smoking pot can be an activity or a lifestyle. How sad, how a non-addictive drug can make people retarded.

2. You should have listened to BJ Novak - Two of my roomates admittedly purchased an $18 beer over break. Seriously, did this beer have coke in it or was it something the cute witress recomended?

3. There is a hidden reason behind the "hot" bar scene in any big city - Paying a $20 cover to drink weak ass $7 vodka tonics at Ontourage, Reserve, or Soundbar in Chicago to be with the "hot crowd" is never worth your time or money. Why are there women dressed in practically no clothes, not drinking, dancing on tables and flirting with the bottle service crowd? They are paid to. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. These women are paid by promotors to get you hard and guilty for not throwing down mad cash to pick up the girls that will never go back to your place because thier old high school BF is still going to pick them up when they get off work. And if they are dancing on tables and will go home with you that night...well, im sorry you made that mistake. Don't tell Sojo though, it would ruin his night.

4. Don't go to the Weiners Circle and ask for a chocolate shake - The Wieners Circle is a famous hot dog spot in L Park open late where drunken college students go for late night antics. The fun part is, you are supposed to insult the black women working. No matter what you say, they will come back with the most racist derogative thing you have ever heard. Sojo argued that he didn't get his two hot dogs and the woman said she would give it to him for a manicure and free dry cleaning. She also called him, "A Chink-fried rice mother fucker." Anyways, if you ask for a chocolate shake the 220lb back women taking your order will lift up her shirt and jump up and down in your face. I don't recomend it.

5. Don't knock the guys that didn't graduate in four years - I am now one of them. At least I am trying not to be by graduating in May and coming back in August. At least I have an excuse right?

Health and Nutrition

Here's my approximation of an appropriate food pyramid for a person living on their own such as myself. Those of you going off on your own soon would be wise to mimic this, although you will have to be able to ignore the Checkout lady when she looks askance at you when you buy 15 pounds of meat at one time.

A few notes

1. The foods at the lowest end are the ones you eat the most.
2. Salami is the best choice for lunchmeat. It "stays" the longest, and it does not suffer from the "wetness" of other lunchmeats. No one likes wet meat.
3. Bacon is delicious, it really deserves it's own category.
4. Cheese snacks includes crunchy and soft cheetoh type snacks.
5. For those smartasses out there, it says Frozen Pizza, not frozen popcorn.
6. Fruit and "greens" are not important. They didn't invent vitamins so you can be forced to gag down disgusting organic things.
7. Steak would be lower on the pyramid, but it is expensive. I advise stocking up whenever it is on sale.

Blog-related notes

• Since I imagine most everyone who reads this blog will be gone for the next week, this is probably the last post in a while. When we return we can have a competition for most embarrassing photo. Or if you wish, "em-bare-assing"...for the ladies.
• Anyway, please don't call me if you get arrested, I am not allowed to give actual legal advice. Save that 50 cents for a condom for "Bruce." You don't want to leave the slammer with no dignity AND anal warts.

Heeeeeeere's Diesel!

Well, it has been awhile, so I decided that I better write for all my loyal fans... or rather just so I don't feel like I have my name on the side and do nothing to contribute. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, I was on a habitat for humanity mission and saving little kids from fires. That and I have just spent about the last 3 weeks at the bars.

I was a cute kid

In that time I have come across an epiphany in my life. I know how to be successful, funny, loved by all my neighbors (except the nerdy one that no one likes... but you know that I hold a soft spot for him somewhere) and most important, how to have a HOT wife. The solution to it all? GET FAT*.

While most people will be in the gym, sweating for hours on the treadmills, lifting weights, doing the ABC workout (Abs, Biceps, Chest), I will be at home with my three buddies who look like me, (except for the black guy that is mandatory for PC reasons) drinking ambiguously labeled beers while watching the game eating the caviar of America... NACHOS... mmmmm... nachos...ahh

Ok, back on this subject, so you ask me... um, won't getting fat do the exact opposite for you? Well, if TV is 100% correct, which I am sure that it is, then the proof lies in the sitcom. I give example one. A little show I call King of Queens.

Our little show's hero is not the fittest fellas, but look at his wife? Does no one see the dispropotionality here? I mean, I'm not saying shes like Gisele hot, but still, he's fat, drives a UPS truck or something, and comes home to this? Plus, she's rich, she's like an agent or something. Example number 2. That show with the guy who is supposed to be British because he was in that movie where all the dudes stripped for some reason that I still don't understand but I think it was to make money or something... ok, i'm lost. Oh yea, well anyways, that dude and some lady. But still, the hypothesis is proven once again. I mean, the dude is stupid. He does nothing except make fun of his son, which is a plus, and make horrible jokes with his wife about their kids... yet therein lies the positive. Once again his wife is fairly hot. And yes, to justify once again, this is not model hot, but way too hot for him.

And for my final exhibit... PETER GRIFFIN. The dude is fat. Check. He is politically incorrect. Check. He makes fun of his children. Check. He has a black friend. Check. And yes, his wife is hot. I know, I know, let's justify this once again, shes not exactly Ariel hot, and definitely not Jessica Rabbit hot, but let's just say if Lois Griffin wanted to be my Mrs. Robinson... I might let her know.
Now looking back on all of this, I see no flaw in my logic and if there is... I'm going to ignore it. So if you don't hear from me in awhile, it's because I'm working out being fat. Prost!!

Oooooh... Jessica Rabbit...

*I am premptorally claiming Sharpe can't make the obvious, "you already are fat" joke.

Catching up with...

Well, since I'm bored and looking at stuff on the internet, I thought I would compile some useful information for you since you may be more busy than I am.

Since I am unnaturally attached to it, I am going to help you find out what the cast members are doing now.

Buster - You can find Buster starring in the new television show with Andy Richtor, Andy Barker, P.I.

GOB: I could not be more happy that his talents are being maximized. He will be in the upcoming movies;
1. Semi-Pro: Movie with Will Ferrell about ABA players. Great upside.
2. Blades of Glory: Couldn't be more excited about this movie. Will Ferrell, GOB, GOB's wife, Pam, and Napoleon Dynamite, set in the figure skating world. Movie Boner!
3. A couple of movies with current SNL actors. Not too jazzed about those, except maybe for the one where they are hot tub salesmen in Japan. That one is of course entitled, "Get 'Em Wet."
4. Let's Go to Prison: I will review this movie soon.

Michael: Some supporting roles in some movies...nothing too exciting unfortunately.

George-Micheal(not the singer-songwriter): Nothing noteworthy, I imagine puberty will be just as fun for him as it was for us. He apparently played a character named "Scrotch" which I can only imagine is the phylum short hand for your sac. (Human->Pelvis->Crotch->Scrotum)

Lindsay: She's Ellen's trophy lesbian...good score for Ellen though.

Lucille and George, Sr.: They're old...probably just trying not to die.

Tobias: Some movie that had made $5,000 so far...that's about it...maybe some television appearances, but it would be alot of work to check TWO websites.

The Bears beat the Colts

Well I've finally lost what little respect I never had for Peyton Manning and can now faithfully say that I respect Grossman more as a QB and a man. I now present Exhibit A-


When you are a Sex Cannon you do not let a soul crushing Super Bowl loss keep you down. You either black out to where you don't remember what happened during the game (wonder what that is like...) or you go and cheat on your wife with a bunch of willing playmates. Do you know why the reason the Bears lost the Super Bowl is smiling? He is about to have the GOOD kind of four way (much harder to pull of than even the BAD kind of three way*). These ladies are going to experience the one and only time Rex actually throws something to the right person. This rare occurrence happens when he is throwing eleven ropers at the faces of playboy models**. Rex is hooking up with women so hot that I would literally shower in their collective rinse water from the dentist office. He went from the biggest loser in Chicago (minus Sojo) to crushing nearly all of us at life (I still have my Contra 3 skills to fall back on).

Exhibit 2 (or B)-


In the words of anyone who has ever smelled me on a Saturday morning, "what the fuck?" Peyton Manning was a total and utter nerd before winning the Super Bowl. No one in their right mind would argue this. Ever. Even Chad knows for a fact that he was more hip than Peyton pre-Super Bowl. Then, he gets the ultimate chance to be a cool guy, a Super Bowl win/Super Bowl MVP! He, for a time, was actually the single most noteworthy man in the world (before you say some random scientist or leader let me say shut up because I no doubt do not care about them). How do you mess this up? You make a guest appearance at a 16 year old's birthday*** for $200,000 which you aren't going to use to "make it rain." Peyton really needs 200 grand? Seriously? Did you pull a Kobe and cheat (Kobe actually raped someone [I also hate Kobe]) on your wife? Let's wait a sec for Chad to get back from punching another hole in the wall (inside joke that I refuse to explain). Ready? OK! Want to know something better you can do? I can think of three (see above). You have the one up on everyone in the world yet you decide to spend time with small children. These kids aren't even retarded charity cases. I would write it off as a decent sympathy bang move if you were championing the cure for the common cold or for being a Cubs fan past age 8. You instead have decided to help spread cream on a rich kid's cake while Rex is spraying down playmates with Rextasy cream. Seriously Peyton, I know no one can understand a damn word you say but COME ON! You could have sex with any of the 3 attractive women in Indy. Hell, even St. Louis' 7 attractive women would let you wiggle on top of them for the two minutes you pretend to enjoy sex with a woman for shutting up all the Bears fans. Shit! I hate you so much right now that only a video game post will cheer me up...


*not that I would ever know...
**is it even modeling if you are mostly naked? I don't call showing people the helicockter modeling. I just call it worthwhile for whoever is in eye sight.
***I know for a fact this isn't a Diwali festival because no one is in costume.


PS I put porn in the label so that more people would find the site in a search.

Shower Scene!

Just so you guys don't think I'm resting on my laurels today, Here's a video I found during my internet travels one day.


How To Shower - Men & Women - More free videos are here

This is pretty close to how I shower, except I only shave my legs every other day...zing!