What are you listening to?

Seriously? I love the full denim outfit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sK3AqFYAWQ


I can't figure out how to post videos. And I dont care to learn

Cock Puppets

For some reason, my dick just can't sing this well.

so...I got a little drunk last bight

and I'm not sorry! I hate all of you and I hope you die. I'm not sorry that I ran around the house naked while I helicocktered by penis. You know people who are sorry? They don't look like me right now. I'm totally 100% not sorry that I tried to motorboat Karen. This is me not sorry. I'm 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 not sorry about putting my wiener on that one girls leg. I'm just not sorry. I'm so far from sorry that it hurts about showering without water in the hallway. I hate you all and I'm not sorry.

ps I'm still drunk so it was all worth it.
pss I'm actually kinda sorry

PEACE BE WITH YOU

the sharpe

The Landlord

tired of hearing this

Get your asshole brother out of here...

Quick Thought: Which word came first? Asshole or Hassle?

A letter from the Team.

Chad,

I am very excited to see that you have become a part of the blog. You are like the free agent that we keep trying to nail down, but can't seem to do it because your demands are just too high. You are a Yankee's player getting bid on by a Royals team. (By the way, Royals are 3-6, a fairly good .333, not .500 as our illustrious Chad commented earlier {ask him about it}). Anyways, Chad, you are that mysterious player that we have all heard about but can't wait to see perform. Perhaps you have the literary equivalent of the gyroball. In fact, you joining this team may be more ground breaking than Dice-K going to the Red Sox. Maybe we should call you Chad-K instead.

Oh no, now I may have jinxed you. For you now have such a great literary commitment to this blog, hopefully the blog analysts will be kind as you start your career and know that this is a different forum than you are used to and you may not be used to this style quite yet... but we know you will get it in the long run. They will call you the Anna Kournikova of blogs, all looks, no substance, but we know the truth, and when they get it, the truth is gonna sting. We didn't pay for those writing lessons, the personal massuese, the paid trips to and fro Zionsville for nothing, oh no, we know your potential, we know they will one day hang your keyboard high from the cieling with the likes of those such as your idol, Tucker Max, or maybe even perhaps with the creator of "The Game"... you know, that bald dude, that I still don't understand and/or believe he ever gets pussy.

Still, as this season gets underway Chad, I wish you the best of luck. May your keystroke be swift, your backspace be speedy, and your hunt and peck technique be noisy. This is our year, this is our team, and by now, I think we all know, this is our country. This is ourrrrrr country.

Sincerely,
Diesel

I think they are probably here for the free chicken.

The other day I was listening to that song by the guy from American Idol who didn't win and turned down the chance to sing for Fuel. (Probably a good choice by the way) That got me thinking a bit, and I decided I might pay a bit more attention to music if the Record Companies got to treat their bands like athletic teams. If they had total control over the make up of bands (signing free agents, waiving cokeheads, trading a maligned drummer, calling up musicians from the small bar scene, making overpaid and undertalented musicians play the triangle or cowbell until they could be taken off the salary cap) I would probably pay more attention. But then I realized that I didn't know the names of more than like, 4 musicians, so I stopped thinking about it, because I figured I wouldn't be able to offer any good examples of why it would work.

Happy Birthday! (I can do this because I am the Webmaster Flex)

Monday Stuffs

[Update: New Poll!]

Exciting NEWS!
After only 4 months of trying, we may officially be getting Chad onto the roster this week!

Also, On a more serious note, I caught Diesel stalking me this weekend. I was minding my own business at a local purveyor of spirits when I turned around and there he was, looming over me and pretending to not know that I had been standing in front of him. He later proceeded to act like nothing had happened...but I know what's going on here. Thus for the foreseeable future, I will not be making any Naked Salami sandwiches.

Also, I will need a rundown from sharpe of all the fantasy points you've received recently. I need to update my Fantasy Rec League team.

Ok, See ya guys tomorrow.

I'm An Emo Prairie Dog

Due credit to Sharpe for finding this... just thought I would share it.

Why Is There No Heat... Better Make My Own

Well, the house here has no heat and we are on day 3 of rediculously cold weather for April. I love waking up to seeing my breath. Ok, so it isn't that bad, but seriously, I had 4 showerheads on me the other day just trying to get my core temperature up. I am a creature of comfort, I enjoy being in comfortable weather.

Well it's Easter time and I am getting ready to head home, which usually means my mom is going to wake me up at about 5 AM on Sunday and make me go on some stupid egg hunt or something. She still refuses to tell me that the Easter Bunny is not real. So I usually end up wandering around the house while my mother jumps up and down real excitedly waiting for me to find the eggs while my dad just mumbles under his breath how dumb this all is.

I just noticed that I tend to put "well,..." a lot. I think that makes me sound like Eeyore. What a sad bastard he was eh? Always losing his tail. Talking real slow. Moving real slow. Always sleeping. Oh my god! I am Eeyore. And here I always thought I was more like Pooh. Well, if I'm Eeyore, SoJo is Piglet.

I best be on my way, and just so I know maybe you guys will read this incoherent post, I'm going to put a picture of a perty lady so you will wonder what I wrote about.

Citizens are not given prizes for being Citizens...

Because I am the purveyor of all things GOB, here is the link to watch the latest episode of 30 Rock which he guest starred on. Very Funny, I especially enjoyed when Thomas Jefferson proclaimed on Maury Povich that he "invented America."

Not too much happening on my end, I'm still jobless and last night I got drunk alone. I also did not turn the heater on so it was a brisk 40 degrees inside when I woke up. I also made bacon this morning, to go along with the toast and fruit snacks(calcium!). I also made 60 dollars because my neighbor felt bad that he had been pirating my wireless. I was actually nervous when going to the door because apparently my reaction to doorbells is that I have done something wrong.

I thought the Office was pretty sweet last night. Dwight totally pulled a "Bobby" on Roy, except substitute Jim for Sojo, and Roy for Random DU guy. Also Jim didn't manage to punch Dwight. So I guess not at all. But the internet really needs more mention of Sojo, so here it is.

[Update: I did find some mentions of Sojo, including this one where they spell his name SoJo. They don't give out his e-mail, but we could call him at least.]

I'm still waiting for an explanation of what 100% animals is supposed to mean...

Bees?

You'll notice(or not) that we now have little videos at the bottom that, if you click on them, will play at the top of the page. You can change what videos are there by editing the button in the Template section. What is your return policy on doves?

Brief

Does anyone else get a strange enjoyment out of walking through doorways about to close without touching the door? Something about doing no work and screwing over the next person to walk through makes it fun for me.

Everybody's laughing and cornholing except me...

Since everyone else seems to be doing it, I'll give my thoughts on bars.
My goals when going to the bar(s):
1. Don't meet anyone new. I have enough(8) friends, I don't need any more. I do not want to be saddled with remembering any new names, and I do not want to tell strangers how law school is.
1a. Spend very little time with "acquaintances": Too much time and they become "friends" see 1.
2. Spend as little money as possible. I will rarely, if ever, buy drinks for other people (unless it will be reciprocal, or a special occasion, or to convince them to do shots of Rumpleminze). I will always take free drinks, and make sure that no one else gets more free drinks than I do.
3. Put money in Jukebox, never hear songs requested. That's a given.
4. Make sure lungs are worse off than before coming to bar. This is important, especially if you exercised (walked to bar) beforehand. You've got to balance that out, and alcohol isn't going to affect your lungs properly unless something goes terribly wrong.
5. Try to stay at one bar. More bars = More strangers/acquaintances. Allowances are made for hot dogs.
6. Tell Sojo that girl he's been eyeing is ugly(if he thinks she's cute), attractive(if she thinks she's ugly). Always fun.
7. Take Prairie Fire shot if someone will buy it for you. It's free alcohol for me, and they get to watch me spit and try not to throw up for at least 15 minutes. I'm pretty sure John0 is the only person who's ever taken me up on the offer though.
8. Remind self to correct Sharpe when all the "bad things" from the night before suddenly were caused by me.
9. Try not to refer to myself as an inebriated version of an important Biblical figure...just in case.

[By the way, the other day I referred to Fridays as "the same as any other night except I don't have to go to school the next day." So don't ever leave undergrad, or live 30 minutes from civilization.]

Law and Order

Since some of you enjoy legal matters - -

There was an article on CNN.com yesterday (too lazy to find it) about a Texas man who shot another guy in the face after he caught his with his wife.

After coming home from a card game a 35 year old man found his wife in the bed of a pick-up in a robe and underwear with a co-worker. She yelled "he's raping me". Defending his wife (as possibly his honor) he fired at the man in the fleeing truck. Police later found it was an affair using her cell phone records and is charging the woman with manslaughter.

- People should not carry firearms.
- Why is your wife in a robe in a truck? How does this not appear concentual?
-CNN is sometimes interesting.

Stacks and Grad School

In defending P.S.'s position here, I believe those are the standard questions and answers you will get from anyone willing/not to booze on a Tuesday night. However, considering I am still in school for the near future and still have to get into a decent grad school in the future, I cannot black out on Tuesday nights. Well, at least not this week.

Which brings me to his other point: Stacks
Is it wrong to know all the bartenders/servers names yet still be unaware of 80% of the other people in there who you I have had whole conversations with. I think I just have my priorities in line when I am drunk. They are as such:
1) Another drink. Finish this one and buy another. No questions, just instinct.
2.) Sex. More and more desperate as the night goes on. Usually #1 prevents #2 from ever having a possibility of occurring. I think I recall being sober once and realizing how much easier but despicable it would be.
3.) Food. HotBox bread sticks are a standard and have saved me from my last 4 hangovers.


(Pat - Thanks for the 3 consecutive phone calls last night at 1 am while I am trying to sleep to tell me that Chad is eating Poppe's shit. And thanks for reminding me that Lonnie wanted to "end me". I had nightmares.)

Ir-response-ibility

I love going to the bars. Period. I enjoy getting drunk with friends in public and this is just the best place for me to accomplish this. If the zoo offered free booze than I would probably be 100% animals but they don't and so I frequent the bars. I also really enjoy getting ready to go to the bars. This doesn't mean the hour and a half that it takes Sojo to gel up his hair but instead the time spent figuring out who else is going to be getting drunk with me. The problem is that people decide to speak a language I like to refer to as "pussy whiny bitch" when asked if they would like to black out on a Tuesday. These people will make up their mind in two seconds and if they say no they are really going to stay in. You do get some sweet responses like "I already know 4 bi-curious Playmates who are meeting us out" but this is a rarity for even someone as book smart and charming as I. So, I've decided to break down people's response to the question "Do you want to go out tonight?" so that in the future people can be free of confusion.

I can't go out because...

1. I have to catch up on homework.
This person does need to catch up on something, but that something is masturbating. You can almost always tell this is what they will be doing because they will refuse eye contact.
reality: I need to catch up on masturbating.

2. I don't have any money.
This person didn't ration off money for booze but instead probably ate a semester worth of Jimmy John's.
reality: I would rather eat than drink.

3. It is Tuesday.
This person is obviously not your friend. Everyone writing on this blog has gotten drunk with me on a Tuesday. Multiple times.
reality: I'm gay and I'm the dude who takes it.

The previous three people suck. They are wasting away their undergrad trying to get good grades and a decent job. My advice? Shut the fuck up. I'm going the grad school route and I no longer consider myself in college. I'm instead positioned at a place which allows me the opportunity to listen to people talk during the day when I'm not drinking. This is my transition into what I want to type about next. The follow group are people who are your friends but they are a touch bitchy and they will have some random stipulation to going out.

1. I'm only bringing out a twenty.
These people are retarded. I can just about bet that after that twenty dollars worth of Green Dragons that you will want to make it an even five drinks for the night.
reality: I want to put my PIN in while I'm hammered.

2. I'll go out if we have a ride.
Be fatter. You are pathetic. Tired of your tough day sitting in class? PS2 playing all day got you tired?* The only time you walked today was most likely to get something to clean up your orgasm or to find a pop tart.
reality: I'm so lazy that I refuse to walk to a place full of girls my age and alcohol I can afford. I suck.

3. I'll go out if you get a few more people.
How lame are you? You will know at least one random person from some random class when we go out and I think we all know how awesome I am in regards to talking. The goal is to get drunk. You don't need anyone else to get drunk. Ask Uncle Brian.
reality: I want to have extremely deep conversations about my life with more than just you.

4. I'm not going to drink too much.
LIAR! I say this stupid phrase all the time. I do it to convince my brain and legs that tonight maybe the night where I don't black out. My brain and legs obviously don't know me as well as they should.
reality: I'm going to try and black out at the end of the night rather than somewhere in the middle.

5. I'll go out if we go to [insert some shitty bar that isn't Stacks].
No one likes the Cactus or Where Else. These bars are horrible. Period. Brother's is money on Tuesdays, Jake's is key on Wednesday, and the Chocolate Shop is killer if it is your birthday or you desperately need popcorn. This ends the situations that I go to other bars. I will randomly throw in a Jake's or Brother's but only if it is too early to go to Stacks. You are going to the bars to get drunk not to meet some random from your chem class. People who are fun go to Stacks and sing 80's songs. Period.
reality: I don't want to spend my night getting hammered off terribly strong whisky cokes while we wait to see what whorish girls show up to sing Journey songs with me on a bench. (total gay)

These people are still an acceptable bunch because at least they are thinking about going out and let's face it, we've all pulled one of these moves before. The last group of people are your best friends. These people utter the priceless lines which let you know a story will be coming out in the morning.

1. Let's pre-drink.
I know this is sorta like a stipulation but this is a stipulation we can all enjoy. The answer to this is always yes and always in mass amounts. Who pre-drinks a few drinks? A real bar boy will drink to the point where they still don't think they are drunk. This is perfect because they are in fact hammered and will only go downhill from there.
reality: Let's see if we can finish this jug of Paisono before we black out in public.

2. I just have to finish this [rumpees, no fear/vodka, frat fuel/vodka, absinthe, etc.]
I love to share booze. Scratch that. I love to share booze I steal from the house. I rarely share good booze/mixer. I will give some random sorostitute a screw driver or shot of vodka without thinking but I will not do so with some frat fuel. This is why being offered rumpees or no fear is a situation only shared amongst people who really want to get hammered and actually don't hate you as much as you hate them. These people are willing to give up booze their parents most likely bought them to insure that you have as great a night as them.
reality: Hey friend, how about we hold off on the bars for a spell while we finish these quality drinks.

3. Fuck you. I've been here since 12.
This is the friend you call only to find out that you are the person who sucks. Just start to drink immediately and hope they will remain your friend.
reality: I have a drinking problem.


*complete write off if they are playing wii...especially if it is the new T-Woods because it is AMAZING

Um...

Well, no one's going to top that...

So today someone from Belgium came here by doing a Google image search of "football penis grabber" and then clicking on a picture of a dead horse. I have now accomplished everything I could possibly want to with this blog.

Did You Carve Up Any Ice, You Know, With Your Weiner?

So, the results of our poll are as follows.
Pam - 72%
Karen - 28%
Total votes - 25

I'm actually pretty disappointed that only 25 people voted. We got over a thousand hits this weekend of people coming to see that picture of Jenna Fischer with her towel, yet barely anyone voted for Pam while doing their porn search. Although quite a few might have been angry about being tricked into seeing that Grizzly Bear sleeping in a bed. We should thank Jenna Fischer for allowing Will Ferrell to grab her boobs in Blades of Glory, leading to our unprecedented popularity for the weekend.

On a plus note, almost all the television shows that matter are new this week.*
We can all look forward to a 40 minute (well 27 minutes of actual episode) episode of the Office.

Blades of Glory -
Quite good. There were only a few times that I laughed by myself, which is good for the other movie-goers since I like to use the big laugh then. My only real complaint was that it could have used more GOB, but that is my complaint about nearly everything that is on TV.^ I was also kind of angry that Will Ferrell clearly stole GOB's "least reliable trick" for his victory celebrations. I thought it was better than Talledega Nights, but that may have been the GOB talking, I don't know.

*Not heroes, I believe that comes back in 2-3 weeks?
^Will Arnett will be guest starring on 30 Rock this week.

Newsflash! Clay is not a homosexual.

April fools.