my penis will remain intact

Finally! WWTDD.com has put up a post saying that Kelly Osbourne will NOT be appearing nude in Playboy. I have been living under an axe for the last 22 years. Do people of this fine planet truly want to risk a penis that is long as the day...is long? Why did this announcement take so long? God forbid if this had actually happened. What if I had accidentally clicked on celebrity porn while my pants were accidentally down with my hand accidentally wrapped around my member (aka cock)? I would have been forced to finish up and then begin my long search to re-find my soul.

Do obese Vampires even show up on film?

After a quick clean up...of tears...I was ready to begin my day. I therefore began to imagine celebrities naked, since it is Wednesday, and after Sienna and Scarlett were done going family style on me my mind began to drift to famous folk I wouldn't want to see naked.

1. Oprah
2. Rosie
3. this list is disgusting and I refuse to continue

How terrible am I at lists? Moving along, who in their right mind ever actually thought that Kelly Osbourne would even be a candidate to pose naked? How the hell would they put her entirely in frame? It would be a three page spread...of her calves. She would be the first poster girl who had to be projected onto the side of a building. Also, I adore* slutty girls, more than the average bear some may say, but the line "I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushing on my tits" actually made me throw up in my mouth. Someone said tits and I wasn't excited. Tits. I fight arousal at times when people says tips.

This girl (?) is so mind numbingly ugly that I'm ready to say something I never thought I would. I don't even think I could make her a Mii* character. Not even the mean version of Chad comes close to this monster. There isn't even a clear yet slutty option in the creation process. I'm upset to the point that only Wii tennis can cheer me up...or another round with Sienna and Scarlett...

*used because it sounds like whore
**that is the custom person made on the Wii (blow me)