I woke up at 6AM

Yeah, that's right. I woke up at 6AM in the morning today... and it was not pleasant. I spent all last night with wires and cords connected to me like I was the bionic man. I had to do my sleep study because apparently my body feels that when I sleep, I don't need to breathe all the time... only some of the time. But the whole night was pretty sweet, and since I'm sure everyone wants to know exactly what happened, here is a little play by play of my night.

8:30PM - Arrive at Hospital. I feel pretty stupid carrying in a bookbag and a pillow like I'm going to a sleepover. I felt even more dumb when I realized that stuffed animals were not allowed. (sorry Fluffy, you'll have to sit this one out)

8:45PM - I go to the door of my "suite" to find it closed and multiple other people waiting outside. Among them, an old man that keeps cursing for no reason talking about how he hates to wait, a big black man that keeps staring at me from the side of his eye, and a little girl... with a stuffed animal... bitch gets priveleges just because of her age.

8:50PM - A waaaaaay too excited man opens the door that looks like Alec Baldwin and Richard Simmons had a love child. Yeah... think about it. Anyways, he leads us in and directs me to my room. This room is sweet. It is like a high roller sweet with a big ass bed, a recliner, paintings ( i looked at them a lot because I got bored... more about this later), a TV, chairs, a desk, phone, room service, beautiful view of the greatest city on Earth (Indianapolis).

9:00PM - A big big lady comes in and gives me a diet pepsi. She said I looked like I needed it. I said, oh yea? Well I might be fat, but I'll lose the weight... you'll always be ugly. Then she said, you looked thirsty. She begins to cry and I kinda feel bad... kinda. She leaves.

10:00PM - Quickly change the channel from the Girls Gone Wild promotion that was on the TV as the big big lady comes back in and starts connecting me with all sorts of wires and goop.

10:15PM - I now have more wires on me than Edison's first attempt at the lightbulb. (I have no clue what that means either, don't worry) She asks me if I need to go potty. I turn to her and tell her no, my pee pee is empty because my sippy cup wasn't that full. I proceed to get into bed and she tucks me in... very creepy.

10:30PM - Big Big Lady (BBL from now on) has left the room and gone into the control room. The room is pitch black, then like God, BBL talks to me somehow over some intercom. I piss myself and have to have a new electrode put on... should of gone potty. She tells me to look in certain directions with my eyes and tests me for weird stuff like, "Make a sound like you think you sound when you snore" I hee haw like a donkey... they do not find it amusing.

10:45PM - The testing is over and I am told to go to sleep. This would be cool except my average sleeping time since coming home has been 3:30AM. I lay there and wonder if they will hear me if I fart. I do anyways but cough to cover it up.

SLEEPTIME - I have the craziest dream ever that deals with group therapy, my old boss, my wires and cords that I'm wearing and the Civil War. It was like a Tony Soprano dream in Season 6... only Steve Buscemi wasn't in it... that would have been bad ass.

6:00AM - I am awakened by BBL as she comes in and rips the covers off me. BBL meets LBP (Little Big Poppe) and we immediately both feel awkward. She tells me that I am free to go and gives me orange juice. Luckily it had no pulp, because I swear to God if BBL would have given me pulpy orange juice...

6:45 - I arrive home and go back to watching TV. I am completely lost as I have no clue what is on TV this early. I find out its a lot of boring news shows and left over informercials... yet I could not find the Esteban infomercial... that one is boss.

Well, that was pretty much it. And its all completely true. And by completely true I mean it's about as true as Curt Schillings original statements about Barry Bonds. (What an ass right? And it takes a lot to make Barry Bonds look like a victim). Oh, and the pretty ladies? They were there because Im sure maybe one person has made it this far to actually read this sentence... so if you are reading this sentence, congratulations, you have just wasted a lot of your time... but you can redeem it for one sensual massage at your desiring.

Oh, and P.S. - Am I obsessed with Danica Patrick, I say no, but the restraining order says yes. However, if you look like Danica and will say, "Vroom Vroom" in the bedroom, feel free to contact me. Prost!

Diesel... out!