Ir-response-ibility

I love going to the bars. Period. I enjoy getting drunk with friends in public and this is just the best place for me to accomplish this. If the zoo offered free booze than I would probably be 100% animals but they don't and so I frequent the bars. I also really enjoy getting ready to go to the bars. This doesn't mean the hour and a half that it takes Sojo to gel up his hair but instead the time spent figuring out who else is going to be getting drunk with me. The problem is that people decide to speak a language I like to refer to as "pussy whiny bitch" when asked if they would like to black out on a Tuesday. These people will make up their mind in two seconds and if they say no they are really going to stay in. You do get some sweet responses like "I already know 4 bi-curious Playmates who are meeting us out" but this is a rarity for even someone as book smart and charming as I. So, I've decided to break down people's response to the question "Do you want to go out tonight?" so that in the future people can be free of confusion.

I can't go out because...

1. I have to catch up on homework.
This person does need to catch up on something, but that something is masturbating. You can almost always tell this is what they will be doing because they will refuse eye contact.
reality: I need to catch up on masturbating.

2. I don't have any money.
This person didn't ration off money for booze but instead probably ate a semester worth of Jimmy John's.
reality: I would rather eat than drink.

3. It is Tuesday.
This person is obviously not your friend. Everyone writing on this blog has gotten drunk with me on a Tuesday. Multiple times.
reality: I'm gay and I'm the dude who takes it.

The previous three people suck. They are wasting away their undergrad trying to get good grades and a decent job. My advice? Shut the fuck up. I'm going the grad school route and I no longer consider myself in college. I'm instead positioned at a place which allows me the opportunity to listen to people talk during the day when I'm not drinking. This is my transition into what I want to type about next. The follow group are people who are your friends but they are a touch bitchy and they will have some random stipulation to going out.

1. I'm only bringing out a twenty.
These people are retarded. I can just about bet that after that twenty dollars worth of Green Dragons that you will want to make it an even five drinks for the night.
reality: I want to put my PIN in while I'm hammered.

2. I'll go out if we have a ride.
Be fatter. You are pathetic. Tired of your tough day sitting in class? PS2 playing all day got you tired?* The only time you walked today was most likely to get something to clean up your orgasm or to find a pop tart.
reality: I'm so lazy that I refuse to walk to a place full of girls my age and alcohol I can afford. I suck.

3. I'll go out if you get a few more people.
How lame are you? You will know at least one random person from some random class when we go out and I think we all know how awesome I am in regards to talking. The goal is to get drunk. You don't need anyone else to get drunk. Ask Uncle Brian.
reality: I want to have extremely deep conversations about my life with more than just you.

4. I'm not going to drink too much.
LIAR! I say this stupid phrase all the time. I do it to convince my brain and legs that tonight maybe the night where I don't black out. My brain and legs obviously don't know me as well as they should.
reality: I'm going to try and black out at the end of the night rather than somewhere in the middle.

5. I'll go out if we go to [insert some shitty bar that isn't Stacks].
No one likes the Cactus or Where Else. These bars are horrible. Period. Brother's is money on Tuesdays, Jake's is key on Wednesday, and the Chocolate Shop is killer if it is your birthday or you desperately need popcorn. This ends the situations that I go to other bars. I will randomly throw in a Jake's or Brother's but only if it is too early to go to Stacks. You are going to the bars to get drunk not to meet some random from your chem class. People who are fun go to Stacks and sing 80's songs. Period.
reality: I don't want to spend my night getting hammered off terribly strong whisky cokes while we wait to see what whorish girls show up to sing Journey songs with me on a bench. (total gay)

These people are still an acceptable bunch because at least they are thinking about going out and let's face it, we've all pulled one of these moves before. The last group of people are your best friends. These people utter the priceless lines which let you know a story will be coming out in the morning.

1. Let's pre-drink.
I know this is sorta like a stipulation but this is a stipulation we can all enjoy. The answer to this is always yes and always in mass amounts. Who pre-drinks a few drinks? A real bar boy will drink to the point where they still don't think they are drunk. This is perfect because they are in fact hammered and will only go downhill from there.
reality: Let's see if we can finish this jug of Paisono before we black out in public.

2. I just have to finish this [rumpees, no fear/vodka, frat fuel/vodka, absinthe, etc.]
I love to share booze. Scratch that. I love to share booze I steal from the house. I rarely share good booze/mixer. I will give some random sorostitute a screw driver or shot of vodka without thinking but I will not do so with some frat fuel. This is why being offered rumpees or no fear is a situation only shared amongst people who really want to get hammered and actually don't hate you as much as you hate them. These people are willing to give up booze their parents most likely bought them to insure that you have as great a night as them.
reality: Hey friend, how about we hold off on the bars for a spell while we finish these quality drinks.

3. Fuck you. I've been here since 12.
This is the friend you call only to find out that you are the person who sucks. Just start to drink immediately and hope they will remain your friend.
reality: I have a drinking problem.


*complete write off if they are playing wii...especially if it is the new T-Woods because it is AMAZING