That's not my trick...it's my INVENTION!

The walk to class is lonely I've been listening to comedians lately in order to not only have some human conversation played out in my head but also be the creepy laughing kid walking just a touch to close behind you (it's because I'm trying to smell your hair). Today's choice of jokesmith was David Cross which was hard to listen to and walk. Though it wasn't nearly as hard as talking my internet girlfriend into her third straight cyber-bortion.* He eventually went to his kick on bagging on inventions but instead of laughing I began to think of inventions which would assist me in my pursuit of perfection. I know that people spend a lot of time on things that help out like 1% of the population, cool climbing gear and iron lungs come to mind, so I think it is only fair that the lives of the 99% of us left should be improved. I will now give all of you (or single you) my list of the 10 most necessary inventions. They will more than likely go from most obvious to least obvious unless I zone out.

1. Cure the damn hangover
-This one would help everyone who is worth actually knowing. I know we have pills on the market that help right now but they say they only work after around four drinks. Oh, you actually get hungover after four drinks (as in what doctors call drinks, not Stacks)? Fag. I need for drinks to actually get me in the mood to start drinking at times. I've also been told many wives tales about drink tomato juice or crushing the flower on top of Mount Doom into a powder and snorting it. These are total bullshit. Make a pill that makes me feel better. You could probably use a name that is synonymous with feeling better. Medicine. (I know I could just not drink so much but A) I'm in college B) much of the list involves my alcohol "problem"C) normally the kind of girls who hook up with me are only cute while I'm competely lit and the ones who are cute I meet at the bars)

2. Cure the damn COMMON cold
-This isn't as much for me as it is for EVERYONE. Sure AIDs sucks, but is it called the common AIDs. Nope. Pump some of the money into cold research. Cure the damn cold so I can't stop hearing people sniffle and gross me out in class. Please. Also, we could pretty much rid the world of handkerchiefs (I spelled this out and thought I was mentally and physically retarded, it is actually right) which I can agree with BAC that they are disgusting.

3. Food pills.
-I'm a fan of eating about once a day. This is time consuming for me and I would much rather spend my time...I don't know what I would do with more time but I could spend it not eating.

4. Hover board from Back to the Future
-Has there EVER been a person who saw the hover board and didn't immediately refuse to live without one? I would kill an infant for a hover board.

5. Motorized walk ways
-I'm lazy. American is obese. Neither of us are changing. Let's just make it easier on everyone.

6. Super ability suits/pills
-I want to shoot lasers from my eyes while I fly around. People can say that I'm a child for still wanting super powers (sometimes when I wake up I test to make sure that I didn't develop abilities) but let me ask you one question. If someone offered you super powers would you say no? I would bet the lock of Beno's hair I keep in my pocket that no one would refuse super powers. I don't care if someone offered me the abilities of Aquaman. I would still be pumped and you would be jealous.

7. Phone breathalyzers
-Inventors figured out how to put these on cars and yet I have done much more damage with my phone then in my car. Drunk Pat thinks it is a great idea to not only call people but also to now text them. Sweet, as if I wasn't already embarrassing enough for others. The phone could even just give you the option of calling a cab instead of the call you wanted to make. I just solved the whole DUI issue. I know I'm not the only one out there so this is another one for everyone.

8. Anti-beer goggle contacts/glasses
-Some people can't see. I am not one of those people. Instead, I cannot "see" if a girl is attractive or not when I'm intoxicated beyond what some would call "humanly possible." People have made it so people can see, let's return the favor to me.

9. Eye lid tinting that makes it look like your eyes are open
-I'm actually writing most of this in a class where I would much rather be sleeping. I normally love this class (History 302-Global Implications of the Kennedy Assassination). I would actually say this is my favorite class I've ever taken. The problem is that sometimes in a young, college boy's life he drinks a little hard on a Wednesday and would like to sleep during lecture. This means that I need something that makes my eyes look like they are open when they are closed. Drawing eyes on your eye lids works from a distance but I want something that is 100% effective. I would also like this to not be permanent. Thanks.

10. BS alarm for class rooms
-This would just wait until people say things like "I can't remember where in the reading it was said, but...", "I saw this on the news yesterday...", or "studies show..." This would just rock the world of the kid who always has his hand up. I've done science and I know he/she are throwing out around 87.66 (repeating of course). A major plus to anyone who makes this and has the alarm be a giant fart. Wow, I'm a senior at a good (decent) college.

*Hopefully Joe Rogan doesn't read this...